Thread 33528849

Foid here. Childhood was shit: sexual + verbal abuse until 18, parents who remarried psychos that screamed all day, mom crying so bad I almost called cops, bullied at school and at home by step-sibs. Basically lived in fight/flight since age 6. Only stopped when I moved for college.

I don’t even remember half of it. Old friends mention “hardcore” stuff and I just blank. Scary because it means worse happened I don’t even know.

Last relationship (5 yrs ago) was a mess: guy was emotionally dependent, threatened suicide, raped me (therapist says it counts even if he “didn’t mean it,” and now I get triggered over missionary like a retard). My idea of love got fucked.

Good news: therapy helped. I can say no, I talk instead of running, I’m loud, extroverted, people like me, I have confidence, and 99% of the time I call out assholes.

Now I’m dating my best friend after 5 yrs celibate. He knows my trauma, doesn’t care, lets me set the pace, and we just play vidya, eat DoorDash, and chill. Everything is good.

But the last two days tiny shit happened: cat pissed in his bag, he got annoyed. He poked at me for crumbs in my PC, scolded me for eating cereal in bed, noticed I barely eat. Just normal nitpicks.

And my brain glitched. I answered with this really tiny voice — not me at all. Same voice I used as a kid coming home to screaming over dumb shit. The voice I promised I’d never use again, because I swore I’d do boundaries and clear comms now. But it just came out. Like when I asked him to turn on the light to find my phone and he called me a dummy (joking), I slipped into sounding like I was 10 hiding in my room, apologizing quiet like Fluttershy. Cringe as hell. He didn’t notice, just cuddled me.

I hate it. Makes me feel broken.
How do I stop reacting like a toddler over nothing ? Do I tell him about it or just ignore it? can I fix it? Am I dangerous for him?

>>33528849 (OP)
Don't make an enemy out of your inner child OP. Allow that part of you to exist without judgement or shame. Because no one else bothered to allow her that safety. That's why (you) should allow it.

>>33528849 (OP)
Also, who cares if you are broken. Better to be broken than to break.

>>33528893
Thanks anon. Weird thing but your reply made me think about child me and I cried like a baby over the thought of her. But I also kinda comforted her and me at the same time. Odd stuff.

But thanks, really helped. You’re goated.

>>33528896
>understanding that the piece is more beautiful for having been broken
I can't support the implication people will start to break stuff intentionally.

>>33529111
>Thanks anon. Weird thing but your reply made me think about child me and I cried like a baby over the thought of her. But I also kinda comforted her and me at the same time. Odd stuff.

Not odd, but real. You felt those things and reacted that way because I know the feeling too, I am also a someone with many scars to my spirit from childhood abuse. You felt all of this because it is real. When the reality sinks in, that you are the hero your child self prayed for during the abuse, that the prayers that had gone unanswered finally got answered from the future, through (you), you feel it don't you? The truth. Many who do embrace themselves, sometimes physically embracing their own bodies to try and hold the child inside who was hurt and neglected. Keep doing that, and you will be okay.

>>33529146
>I can't support the implication people will start to break stuff intentionally.
Lol yes true, good point too. Truth is, we can and should break stuff intentionally. But slowly, and with mercy. It's the act of helping someone break their limits, break their fears, break their own malaise. Something good fathers do for their children, giving them a challenge or a task, daring them to try while knowing they will fail. And yet when they fail, forgiving them, encouraging them to keep trying. "Go on my child, it's okay. Do it again, you have what it takes. I know you can do this. I'm right here, I'm here for you. Now go on, try again. Good, there ya go, see? I knew you could do it. I'm proud of you."

That's the healthy breaking. Unfortunately many people never experienced this. They got broken abusively

>>33529291
But that's fine. It's not fine but it's fine. The paradox of trauma OP, the art of knowing it's okay to not have been okay. To reconcile the trauma by accepting the pain of it, the spiritual surgery of the self, to separate what is (you) from what damaged you. To know you can hate the things that traumatized you, but finally letting go of hatred for the wounds in you. Knowing those two are separate. It's tricky, but doable.

And you are have found safety. You are in a safe place with your best friend who is your boyfriend, and he seemingly has accepted both you and the child in you who got hurt. You have done very well and come so far. You can bet your child self in the past is smiling at you, beaming with pride for you. You took her somewhere safe, you rescued her. That was (you) who did that. So maybe you can say you were broken, sure. But you found strength within brokenness. The credit not going to your abusers, but to you for finding a way to survive. All that's left is to thrive. And you will. Keep going OP, and God bless.

>>33528849 (OP)
I think the main thing here is just to cut yourself some slack. It sounds like you've made some very impressive progress, and you should be proud of yourself. But no one in that situation can be completely cured on that kind of timescale. Your goal at the moment is not to eliminate that kind of reaction entirely, it is simply to make it happen steadily less and less often; and accept that things won't be perfect for a while yet.

Your bf sounds like a decent person, so explain this stuff, mention it when you have a reaction like that, make it clear that you're not blaming him in any way, but ask him if (for now!) he could make an effort not to do stuff that's triggering. As you get more confident and more comfortable with him, you will react less and less. You've just got to give yourself time to form new mental habits.

>>33528849 (OP)
>And my brain glitched. I answered with this really tiny voice
dw op, it's the next step in exposure therapy
everybody has their limits before they slip into defensive little kid mode
yours got calibrated to trigger really easily during your shit upbringing
then therapy improved that shit massively
but there will still be some times when you're out of spoons etc
you can fix it, it'll be more of what you've already made massive progress in, talk to your shrink about it and dw about these episodes
check with your shrink if you should talk with your bf about these things, or if you and shrink can work together - depending on if your bf will cuddle you up more or think you're being a spaz/cray cray

Didnt women have fantasies about getting raped?

>>33528849 (OP)
Probably more therapy. Even in a great relationship there’s going to be some conflict. You don’t want to under react or overreact to it. Sounds like you may have under reacted and appeased him, but flipping out wouldn’t be good either. Idk, get more professional help.

>>33530665
>Didnt women have fantasies about getting raped?
Since you ask, no, they don't. They have fantasies that *men* label as rape fantasies, but they bear almost no resemblance at all to a real rape.

>>33528849 (OP)
KYS ABDL PEDO KEK

>>33530137
Thank you anon. I told him a little, though I still have a hard time with saying I feel like I’m 10 when he’s angry. But I feel like he feels a little, he tells me it’s okay when I feel frustrated over a chore. He even mimics the baby voice sometimes, making it playful rather than freaking out. I’m happy, he makes it feel less embarrassing.

>>33530655
I haven’t seen my shrink since a year sadly, I have sort of one but I see her once a month and it’s only for my autism and adhd. But I will tell her.

>>33530701
Yeah that’s right, least thing I want is my boyfriend feeling like he has to act like my therapist and care taker. Once I get enough money I’ll do it promise

>>33528849 (OP)
You ARE dangerous to him. The instant you start trying to transfer guilt for past trauma onto him as if he is in any way responsible then you have become the abuser.

The only way to deal with abuse is to leave it behind. You might remember things and maybe even integrate them over time but it happens alone and no one can really help. Trashing relationships over it isn't worth it and just allows the abuse to take one more thing from you. Avoid meds.

>>33533823
Except OP is self aware and therefore not dangerous at all to this relationship

>>33533860
You clearly have no clue what you're talking about. Standard reddit acceptable responses destroy lives. Think before you speak.