Thread 33541087

The "you shouldn't bottle up your feelings, you should always talk to your friends about your problems" platitude seems to be everywhere these days, especially in the pop psychology and self-help circles.
But I've been wondering, could it be that most of the people perpetuating this advice are women and gay bottoms? It would be sort of realistic advice for them to follow, since they're socially expected to be vulnerable and taken care of by their partner and their surroundings, they can get away with complaining and venting a lot.
But I doubt most men actually have these perfect examplary friend circles who are willing to put up with a guy complaining about his mental baggage. What do you think?

I think that some men will open up about their feelings with peers that can be trusted.
But the crux of the issue is that many men don't care for talking about emotions and feelings.

>>33541087 (OP)
Yeah don't listen to that advice but if someone asks clarify you are telling them because they asked and that you don't need comfort, but then feel free to be honest about your feelings for up to five sentences.

>>33541087 (OP)
Spot on. This is just women typical minding men.

>>33541087 (OP)
You shouldn't though. I did that shit almost my entire life. It ages you very quickly.

male normies will tell you to "get over it" and "be a man" then commit suicide or fall into alcoholism

>>33544287
facts. saying that talking about your feelings is foid brained is retarded, most guys would feel better if they actually had someone to talk to instead of bottling it up

>>33544006
Ages as in makes others see you as older and boring, or makes you feel older and more jaded?

>>33544357
The advice to not bottle up your feelings is true on the surface, but it's not realistic for most men in that it presupposes a person speaking has a great friend circle to open up to.

But more importantly, it misses the forest for the trees. Everyone wants social validation, and this advice emphasizes receiving validation from your peers as if it were a solution to your mental problems by itself. It neglects to mention the actual hard, slow part of doing self-reflection about your desires and beliefs, consciously changing your habits of how you think and perceive the world to arrive at a happier place of mind, and disciplining yourself to work on the goals you want to achieve. Basically everything that involves actually solving your problems, and not just venting about them in hopes of receiving short-term validation to feel better in the moment.

"Not bottling up" is at best an anesthetic, not a solution. It's being touted as one because people want quick and easy fixes to their problems that will make them feel better right here and now, while real therapy doesn't quite work like that.

%>>33541087 (OP)
Men are solution oriented. Talk about your problems if you want to make a genuine effort to improve them. If all you want to do is cry like a woman then don't bother. Bottling shit up isn't healthy though.

>>33541087 (OP)
It's a nuanced issue.

You shouldn't bottle up your feelings. You should talk about them. In a non-bitchmade way. There is a certain way straight men communicate with each other. It isn't being a whiny dramatic cunt like women and fags are. That's effeminate. But you can still talk about your problems, provided you have understanding bros. It's a lot more rare for men, for whatever reason. But it definitely helps if you can find it. I'm straight and I always listen to my friends' problems and care a lot about them. But to be honest with you, most of them don't really have the capacity to do the same for me - the very few times I've brought up my problems to them, they don't really have anything to say. Their solution is typically to drink or smoke weed or have sex or distract themselves in some other way. I am different because I actively think about shit all the time, I don't avoid anything with distractions, and I don't drink/smoke. I'm finding this is pretty rare for a straight man. And I think it just boils down to our culture. When we were kids, we used to bully each other for having feelings. I was actually a huge bully as a kid and used to bully other kids until they cried and call them fags, and this is pretty typical. That teaches you not to show any weakness.

So really, the issue boils down to the fact that straight men generally don't know how to deal with their own issues, let alone their friends' issues. My advice is to talk to your mom, if she's still around. That's typically what I do, she's the only one I really come to with my issues anymore. I wish I could talk to my friends about it but I can't. And that doesn't mean the advice of "talk about how you feel" is bad, it just means most of us don't have the kind of support we should have, so it's impractical advice.

You can also see a therapist if you wanna try that. ChatGPT is actually a pretty good therapist tbqh, it's helped me a lot, even just to reflect on what I'm thinking/feeling.

>>33546022
This too. You should always be solution-oriented as a man. Your friends will get tired of you if you keep crying about something but don't take their advice or don't try to change your situation. I consider myself an understanding person, but after 3-4 times of a friend talking about his same issue, when I've already told him what he should do to fix it, it pisses me off and I just try to ignore him.

Women like to sit around bitching and gossiping. Men typically aren't like that. You have an issue? Okay, let's fix it. Simple. As much as I'm fine with talking about feelings, I fucking hate being endlessly complained to. I find it the most annoying shit in the world.

And this doesn't excuse women either, I don't think they SHOULD act the way they do. I'm just saying that their peers will put up with it a lot more than male peers will. I get just as annoyed when women do this to me.

My theory as to the gender difference here is that women were usually the ones sitting in the dwelling with the children, telling the men about the problems so they can go fix it while the women raise the children. This is why, in general, men are solution oriented and women like to bitch. But that's just my theory.

In my experience, the only people who care about your problems (if you're a guy) are your mom and your therapist, if you're lucky enough to have that kind of relationship with your mom. Most other people don't care, will be annoyed by you putting your problems on them, or will use it as ammunition against you. I would like to be there for my allies, but it's just not realistic.
I mean this with complete sincerity that ChatGPT also helps a lot. The free limit sucks hard, but it's great in a pinch to have someone who will always have your back and won't turn it around on you

>>33541087 (OP)
Exercising any part of the mind makes it stronger. This is generally true. That being said: When I "vent" my frustrations, it only makes me a more frustrated person in general.

>>33545868
>but it's not realistic for most men in that it presupposes a person speaking has a great friend circle to open up to.
Its not realistic for most men to have a small circle of friends?

>and this advice emphasizes receiving validation from your peers as if it were a solution to your mental problems by itself
Incorrect. Having deep relationships with other people is not for "validation". Its a biologically necessary component of human emotional regulation. Nowhere in this advice is it even remotely implied that seeking validation solves mental problems. That's a very comically inaccurate strawman.

>It neglects to mention the actual hard, slow part of doing self-reflection about your desires and beliefs, consciously changing your habits of how you think and perceive the world to arrive at a happier place of mind, and disciplining yourself to work on the goals you want to achieve
Every last shred of evidence we have from the past several thousand years of human existence shows the exact opposite of what you're saying. The more isolated and detached from society a person is the WORSE they are at self-reflection and changing habits. People do not mentally improve by separating themselves from people. Human beings change and grow through solving their issues with other humans. This is just objectively true.

>Basically everything that involves actually solving your problems, and not just venting about them in hopes of receiving short-term validation to feel better in the moment.
I'm not sure how this happened but someone managed to raise you with drastically inaccurate and illogical ideas about life.

>>33547039
Venting is good sometimes, but if you vent all the time because you're constantly frustrated, then that's bad.

>>33547097
>Its not realistic for most men to have a small circle of friends?
Ones that tolerate a guy constantly talking about his mental issues? Probably not.
>Nowhere in this advice is it even remotely implied that seeking validation solves mental problems.
I see people talking about the need to "not bottle things up" much more than I do about the need to actually work on yourself. Which makes perfect sense, because the former brings short-term gratification with litle effort, so it's more comfortable to consider as a magical solution.
>Every last shred of evidence
There is nothing in my post about detaching yourself from society. But unless you're lucky, you probably won't get good results out of tryng to turn your friends into your therapists.