Thread 33564971

i might have a crush on my bf's friend, should i tell him or not? and is it possible to simply stop having the crush and continue as normal?

i know this sounds pretty horrible and i agree. i don't have any friends myself but if i had any i obviously wouldn't want my bf getting a crush on a friend of mine either. but i also do feel like this probably also contributes to the fact that i got an (unfortunate) crush on his friend, the fact that i have 0 friends, was a khhv before my bf, and in general have a hard time being "normal" socially. so when someone is nice to me, i get clingy basically, and this probably contributed to me getting these weird feelings for his friend. i'm also not used to being around guys other than my bf, so it could be a contributing factor too.

>inb4 just leave you wench
i have considered this too but keep in mind this is my first (and hopefully only) boyfriend, we've been together for 4 years, and i love him. if i can make the crush just go away somehow i would rather try that.

so uh anyone here been in this situation, can you get rid of a crush? (especially if it's a situation where it's hard to cut contact, like it being your partner's friend who your partner invites over, making it hard to avoid the person without raising suspicion)

I'm going to pretend this isn't bait but let's pretend for a second that it is legit.
Best thing to do is come up with lots and lots of reasons why he's a bad partner or is unattractive or whatever. Keep thinking up reasons and remind yourself of them over and over.

>>33564971 (OP)
>should i tell him or not?
No! What the fuck are you thinking? Of course not. Crushes do eventually fade; give it time. And try to avoid the friend as much as possible.

>>33564971 (OP)
Just imagine his friend taking a huge nasty shit. He poops. A lot.
Also, listen to >>33565079 and stop being a fucking retard

>>33564971 (OP)
1. Yea my ex was very similar to you and developed a "crush" on a coworker. It ruined our relationship, kept me emotionally manipulated and confused for the last several weeks-months we were together and did a ton of damage to my self esteem Im still working on.
2. You don't magically develop a crush. It isnt something that happens to you. You nurtured it yourself and indulge it. If you want to keep your relationship see a therapist and talk to them about it and why you feel you need endless male validation to make yourself feel good. Don't tell your man unless you want to nuke your relationship. What you're doing is really immature and disrespectful.

>>33564985
well this whole situation is just a very tragicomedy sort of situation so might look like bait i guess, but this is my actual life sadly.

i have heard this advice and couldn't come up with anything, i don't really know him personally so maybe i know enough about him for this to properly work?

when i first heard about this advice the only thing i remembered is when my bf once told me this friend has road rage, he was telling a funny story about this friend basically but he kept repeating how he gets angry when driving. but then a few months later this friend gave us a ride and i kept waiting for the road rage to show up (bumpy, aggressive driving, getting angry at other cars, driving too close to people, my dad has road rage and does all these things so i'm familiar with it), but instead i realized that during that drive he was like the calmest and smoothest driver ever, which i do like in people, unfortunately in this case.

so yeah i'm still stuck here. i also have tried to just will myself into not having a crush anymore, which does work once it's been some time since i last saw the friend. but the issue is that the crush always comes back when i inevitably see this guy again somewhere after a few months, be it at our place because my bf invited him to come over, or us seeing him at a concert when me and my bf go together to see a specific band for example.

Better off telling him than secretly wanting his friend's dick, unless you want to cheat on him. If you told him he'd just make it so you're not around each other as often/at all, that shouldn't be a problem unless you really want to fuck him that bad.

Keeping secrets is a GREAT way to make a lasting strong relationship, it's a great plan to hide it, listen to >>33565079, hiding shit especially about wanting someone else is the best way to make sure your relationship is on a great foundation of honesty, trust, and loyalty, and will never lead to bad things. Please don't tell him! Secrets are the key to a healthy long lasting relationship! :D

>>33565100
i see what you mean, i'm in a waiting line to get to therapy at the very least. to some degree it is harder to avoid a crush when it's someone who's associated with your partner and not you though. like if this was my coworker or my friend i could just cut contact. but since it's my bf's long-time friend, it's much harder to actually cut contact. telling my bf he can't have this friend over at our place anymore when i've always been fine with all his friends coming over is practically the same thing as admitting i have a crush/something's up. or telling my bf i can't join him anymore to our favourite bands concrts because this friend is also often there. about this idk what to do.

but yeah i agree i'm also not innocent in all this. i'm not used to hanging out around men who aren't my bf, so that nervousness has probably changed into excitement regarding this friend at some point, and when it happened i wallowed in the crush for a while just thinking about it, instead of actually thinking about how to put a stop to it at that point.

>>33565175
i mean i don't. but whenever i'm in a situation where i'm with my bf somewhere and his friend is also there, i feel extremely awkward and nervous and pretty much avoid looking at his friend entirely. i get jittery when i feel awkward so i'm afraid that my bf will be able to tell at some point. the friend often avoids eye contact with me too so my bf might assume that's just shyness from both of us, but i get really afraid that anyone might find out about my weird crush when i get those jittery awkward moments where my hands are just fidgeting constantly.

>>33565183
Bait or giga retard?

>>33565244
Okay, read "want his dick" as "have a crush", the same point applies. He will notice, then you won't have a boyfriend or his friend, you'll be single and lonely and have hurt your boyfriend significantly. There is a risk to telling him, there's a much higher 100% guaranteed risk of hiding it - either you'll cheat or you'll get caught before it happens and the same result anyway. Why risk breaking up later on and hurting both of you more while baiting yourself with this guy always being around instead of risking breaking up by being open and honest and telling him things clearly and making sure to bring it up properly in a situation he'll be willing to listen (and not just freak out and leave). I dunno, honesty is important in a relationship, keeping something like that secret seems stupid to me and always has been in my experience and the experience of my friends who have done similar. Things always get found out, mistakes will always hapepn if you keep fostering a situation where you're around this guy and liking him, no you will not suddenly stop liking him no matter what you do, people don't work that way. If he knows he'll either leave or figure out a way he can feel a little more in control of situations where you're both there, if you hide it you'll just either fuck up down the line with this friend or someone will notice (probably bf or the friend, who if he's a great friend to him, will tell him).

These kind of situations almost always lead to bad things happening when kept secret too. I've seen too many best friends trusting "hey man can you drive her home because I have to stay late for this class/work/etc" and then they end up fucking.

>>33565401
>no you will not suddenly stop liking him no matter what you do, people don't work that way.
thanks for being honest. i still want to see if i can stop having the crush simply put, but i do see your point and it's not like i've had much success so far with just trying to will the crush into nonexistence basically.

i wouldn't ever cheat though. i'm a very high inhib sort of person. back when i met my bf (and had a big crush on him, he was my first adult crush) and hadn't ever been with anyone, i did continually keep up the boundary that i didn't want to do anything sexual before we were in a committed relationship together, gf/bf. and i did keep up that boundary despite being a single khhv and having my now bf wanting to move things forward, i still knew who i was and said no/didn't do anything with my bf until i felt it was right. even if i have a crush on someone the barrier to doing anything about it for me is very big. basically, i would never cheat.

sometimes i do kind of wonder if my bf suspects something and maybe even he is aware i might have a crush but is also aware i would never act on something like that.
for example he is a very confident guy, but a few times already he has expressed insecurity about this specific friend, which to me felt like he was trying to say something more too, like "i know my friend does better than me in this aspect of life (the thing he was insecure about), but i hope you don't care about that". and to be clear i don't. he had never before been vocally insecure about anyone he knows, and i know my bf quite well from all these years, so it did feel like there was more that he didn't say. basically what i mean is that i have a small suspicion from different things that he might already suspect something but hasn't said it for whatever reason. i could be wrong of course but i do have that suspicion recently, and it has made me think even more on ways to stop having the crush.

>>33565582
Cheating isn't limited to sexual intimacy.

>>33565582
As far as I see it, you're already basically cheating by a lot of people's standards and >>33565586
is correct in that sex isn't the only form of cheating. I'd say your own standards as well, otherwise you wouldn't see a problem with him knowing about it. You know it's something wrong and you know he would probably view it as cheating, or else there's no positive to hiding it at all. If you feel he suspects something he probably does, which means it'll only get worse while he sits there seeing how you act around the friend and still avoids bringing it up until it all blows up. I also saw you say earlier that the friend avoids eye contact and things like that, that reads as a possibility he's interested in you and fighting it as well. Two people secretly interested will not go well, even if you do nothing, he will eventually probably try, and then what happens?

>>33565600
>seeing how you act around the friend
you mean when I'm trying to be respectful and actively keep a distance from the friend and avoid even eye contact .
I mean I'm trying my best to act neutral and even bored around the friend, that's why I act aloof. Thankfully the friend acts aloof around me too so it isn't really a situation where any flirting or even talking really is happening, it's more like just slightly awkward, at least for me.
I know it's easy to disregard what I'm saying but how I see the situation is that nothing is "happening", but what's likely at this point is eventually my bf actually asking me what's up when I eventually do something too awkward/weird as a result of the crush (I get overly polite when nervous and it must be pretty obvious sometimes) and then it becomes too obvious. And that's what I'd like to avoid, avoid the crush getting any worse basically and find out some way to eventually slowly stop having it. Some outside factor could help too even if it can't be relied on, like the friend getting a gf.

>>33565600
>>33565667 continuing here and to be fair and honest I do sometimes think the friend has attraction for me on some level thanks to one happening, where it's likely that the friend said i was attractive.
i hadn't really been following the conversation so i chalked it up to not hearing what he said right, and just forgot about it, but a few months later my bf brought that situation up and mentioned that the friend did compliment me. it was a bit random of him to say it and i felt nervous, so i didn't really react, and the conversation kind of just continued after that.

i couldn't write this all before because text space ran out but essentially before then i think it was more of an "innocent" crush i rarely thought about, but since then i think the crush got stronger. but the friend also hasn't said anything since then, seems like it was just a slip or or even a misunderstanding.

the friend also definitely doesn't seem like the type who chases women, i think he had one ltr girlfriend many years ago and hasn't been with anyone since then. even though i think he could likely get a gf anytime he wanted from all the concerts he goes to 24/7 and from having a lot of charisma. what i mean is i think he chooses to be alone.
but definitely since that happening i've been a bit more guarded, like not letting myself get into that hyper and talkative mode i sometimes get to, basically avoiding that and things like that around him.

>>33565753
It sounds like all it will take for you to have another "crush" is someone saying you're cute. Bad girlfriend material.

>>33565753
>>33565667
NTA but I'm still going to repeat that keeping secrets is the #1 way to destroy a relationship. This is so true that even straight up cheating is beneath it in how often it destroys relationships because when you actually go fuck another dude sometimes a guy is willing to try and forgive you if you told them, it's a low chance but it IS a chance. But there is no coming back from secrets and dishonesty, it's a 100% failure rate, it just doesn't happen as suddenly. Lack of communication, including lack of honesty in communication, is deadly.

>>33565854
i mean many people have complimented me before, that often happens to women even if you're not that attractive. many guys have complimented me before and it's not like it was ever an issue. the only problem is that while those times i could simply distance myself from the person, that's not as possible when it's my bf's friend instead of someone associatef with me who i could easily stop being around. and i do still know this is a highly sensitive topic that will make anons likr you extremely angry and not even read the thrrad. just gotta accept the seething ngl.

>>33565864
lmao going to sleep now i'm already falling asleep.

while i don't feel like keeping something a secret is cheating, it's definitely not an ideal situation either. i have thought about it a lot and i guess what has stopped me is this suspicion that my bf already thinks something's up, and it's on me and me alone fix this crush situation.

Just have a 3 way. Then you'll know if your original boyfriend is a cuck or not.

>>33565956
Just to clarify, I wasn't trying to say secrets is cheating, I was mentioning cheating as a comparison. I was just trying to say typically in most situations results are almost guaranteed to be terrible if you keep secrets of this kind in a relationship and that it is more often damaging in bigger ways than cheating is. I didn't mean to claim you did cheat or that secrets and cheating are the same, just that secret keeping and lack of communication (which I should have said as well but oops) are the leading reasons relationships break down even above adultery.