Thread 33607485

I'm in my mid-30's and during a recent relationship, I realized that my main motivation in life is to be loved. I had thought of my career, artistic pursuits, growing my business, and at the end of the day, I think I just want a woman I can grow old with. When I tried to communicate this to my most recent girlfriend, it scared her, and I think she thought that I was going to rely on her for my purpose, but what I was trying to convey was that I am almost halfway through a natural life, and I value nothing else over a strong bond with another human being. I could be poor, and I would be happy if I had a woman who loved me all the same.

Is this bad? She was very engaged with her studies, and even told me that her studies were more important than me. I understand, but at the same time, in the end, what's the point? And if I enroll in a certificate course, or get into a masters program, what, I'll make 10,000 more a year? in exchange for more years of my life?

I'm honestly lost right now. After my mom died, I don't really care about much and its hard to stay motivated. That girl left me and didn't believe I truly loved her, but I wanted to go move to her to help her with her goals as I worked on mine, I thought we could work together and put our relationship higher.

>>33607485 (OP)
No woman will ever love you undonditionally the way your mother does. The closest thing to that and the only thing that can actually fulfill you is authentic self-love. Everything else you seek from things and people in life is just a distraction from your inner process of spiritual awakening, nobody will fill that void, so stop fearing it, jump into the unknown, and discover/remember what it is you thought you were missing and seeking for so long.

>>33607485 (OP)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qd2tE47rTeA&list=RDQd2tE47rTeA&start_radio=1

>>33607491
How do I find authentic self love? To awaken spiritually? Jump into the unknown?
I'm planning on going on a farm stay in half a year at a farm near her. Is that bad? I've always wanted to work on a farm and get myself away from electronics.
Do I stare into the void I feel in the morning? I feel so anxious and deathly when I wake up, like I just had 2 cups of coffee. I fall asleep fine, but I feel so empty and horrible.

I've been in relationships almost consistently for a decade. Any time I'm not in one, I'm anxious, always looking and chasing for the next relationship. It seems like a hard habit to fix. I don't think I even felt OK before the relationships started either.

>>33607491
>love you undonditionally

>>33608293
Yes, let the void expand and consume you. The transformation process is like your caterpillar turning into a butterfly, scary to think about what seems like the death of you but also the becoming of the true self.