Thread 33610331

And I don't quite know why.

I am nearing my mid-20's having never had any real relations with a woman. It's funny how it got to this.

High school, was a goober and made fun of. Fought my way out of that with extreme changes. Then women of all ages started to notice me and come to me. And something would always happen. I would not reciprocate, or seek, or for whatever reason it would not happen.

I don't know exactly what it is certain women find attractive about me. They say I'm handsome and big but none of that matters to me.

And I have healthy desires and am not some freak. Is it an ingrained conscious / unconscious conclusion that the juice isn't worth the squeeze? Protecting myself? Or is it a psyche block? An inability or aversion to forming relationships? I haven't had regular contact eith anyone in 5 years. I don't care for those things anymore. I became the "cool guy" everybody likes, but have no use for any of it except for daily highs and lows.

I just wonder if I'm going to regret these actions (inaction) or if life sucks regardless of what I do.

Bought my first suit today (navy / white shirt / no tie), thinking of Wagner while smoking a cigarillo. Life is a mediocre experience.

>>33610331 (OP)
I spend my days in solitude, living in my small enclosed world. Coffee, cooking some good food. Organizing stuff. Consuming interesting enriching media. This is really all I concern myself with. Schizoid? Whatever actually matter in life I do the bare minimum to uphold.

Other people are a pain. No I won't elaborate. It's as if this fact forces me to abstain from everything and everyone. My time has become precious. My time is literal gold. Even though I spend it doing nothing lucrative this state is preferable to dealing with the world.

I don't relate to anyone. The only interaction outside of transactional with people is either when some auntie in heat starts touching me, or I casually chat up complete strangers in the street.

No, I don't have "anxiety". I am completely unbothered by any delusions or neuroticism. I am aware of mortality and insignificance all the time. That, life is too common a thing to be precious. I live easy and unrestrained. Nothing bothers or concerns me anymore.

But all the while the years go by. I am already old. My life is over. My fantasies become dreams forever. Life imposes itself onto me. I see chains, a cage. An ever faster transing experience of life as monotony. I might as well die now. I am already condemned.

Nothing's interesting or enticing. Not the enterntainments of the commoners. Not the young sluts or the ripe aunties. Not whatever substance, no place in the world. I am just tortured by the silence and blandness of inaction. But nothing's worth the action.

I become evermore unrestrained, unconcerned. Uncaring about myself. A refined but wild animal living only to feel scorching heat, rain, cold. To smell the deep-seated filth in the streets. Breathe. See. Experience.

Everything that doesn't register as fight or flight like is underwhelming.

Perhaps at some point I'll just walk the streets, making a nuisance of myself for my own amusement. Experience masses of people and bright lights and drowning sounds.

How fucked am I?

>>33610331 (OP)
How can you reject women when picrel exists? Can you imagine the smell?

>>33610417
I let go young blonde tanned beach girls brimming with excitement. I let go of cougars touching me. Milf's with nice naturals and mom bods eye-fucking me. Petite tens with nice natural bodies asking for it with their eyes.

Everyone else my age is going insane for some pothead Becky, buying clothes and cologne and showering for 2 hours and spending all day in the city.

I "restrain" myself.

Why? Is it because I'm a scared little boy? I talk with strangers more than my family I live with. I basically walk the streets to amuse myself laughing out loud at the faggotry, mogging urbanoids.

Makes no sense.

>>33610331 (OP)
It's because you use the word cigarillo.

>>33610331 (OP)
rienzi is the best wagner because it inspired hitler

>>33610367
>Schizoid?
you wouldn't be here if that was the case

>>33610331 (OP)
>Paragraphs of wordslop
>No central question. Just a vague story to draw people in and waste their time
>It's a "pick your own advice to give" bullshit game
>Random irrelevant shit about a tie and cigarillo
The fuck are you on about?

>>33610331 (OP)
>Bought my first suit today (navy / white shirt / no tie), thinking of Wagner while smoking a cigarillo. Life is a mediocre experience.
You are a pseud, I won't read more

OP's back.

>>33614609
> you wouldn't be here if that was the case

Yeah, I've read my fair share of psychiatry. For a lot of them not seeking treatment and there's nothing wrong with them is a common one. But how? I don't enjoy life. And others do, and they toil 40 hours a week to finance cars, and take women to bars and buy weed. So, how come none of that propels me? And how am I supposed not to notice? Are people with mental illness or personality disorders supposed to be oblivious? So ya'll niggas NPC's.

>>33614729
> "pick your own advice to give"

And you couldn't. My long ass text has a bunch of central questions.

I don't feel much except anger at the world's and people's simplicity and preceived transgressions. I am not motivated to do anything. I don't seek anything.

Am I gonna regret all of this someday?

>>33614918
It's an "anonymous" website. Don't read at all then. "Won't read" is getting stale faggot.

>>33610940
I listen to the Solti operas

>>33614729
>>33614918
You're fucking stupid hahahaha.

>>33610700
What are they called?

>>33610388
the arhat lifestyle

I reject the light, said darkness.
I reject the darkness, said light

>>33610331 (OP)
i think you might be gay

>>33616362
Don't go into the white light...

>>33616489
But I whack it to veemenz....