Thread 33687705

what are the significant differences between a guy who isn't interested in you (or let's say he simply finds you kinda sexually attractive, but nothing more than that, he's not truly into you) vs. him being shy, or acting distant for whatever reason, but still being into you, more than just sexually?

i'm not very experienced with guys and i tend to ignore/act less talkative around people i find attractive. idk if this guy i've ran into is similar to me in that sense, or if he just ignores me because he finds me boring or something. i feel like there's a lot of tension between us and we both kind of ignore each other in favor of talking to the others, but i can't really rely on that "tension" assumption to be true since it could be just from me being into him, so it could be just one-sided tension from me.

give me a list of differences please.

>>33687705 (OP)
Guy 1 just sees you as means to get his dick wet
Guy 2 doesn't actually like you but he does love the attention you're giving him.

>>33687724
>but he does love the attention you're giving him.
but i don't "give him attention", if you read the post i did mention that i have a tendency to ignore and act aloof around a guy if i find him attractive. which i do around him, it's a coping mechanism i think.

>>33687705 (OP)
There isn't really a single list for each category. It varies on the man and his circumstances and character

Lets take category one (Sexually attracted to you but not interested in you as a person)
How he behaves around you all depends. Is he single? Does he have a girlfriend? What kind of person is he?
If he is single, and only sexually attracted to you, there are multiple ways he might act towards you depending on his character. He might try to sleep with you so he would talk to you all the time. Or, he just might not be that kind of guy and just treat you like anyone else. Or he might be a shy person and get's nervous around girls he finds attractive even if he doesn't know you enough to like you. Or he might actually genuinely not like you as a person and just ignore you. Even if he isn't single, he can still be the type of person to cheat. Maybe he isn't and since he is attracted to you he ignores you out of principle for his gf

If he likes you in the other way, both physically and personally and is interested in you, he may simply be shy. Or he might get the impression that you do not like him at all so he keeps his distance. Or, he may just not be good at dealing with new people and it takes time for him to open up to you and get used to you

So how can you tell between the two?
take into account his situation and personality. Watch how he treats others, especially people he just met, and especially attractive girls, and compare that with how he treats you. And analyse your own behaviour towards him and what you are signalling. You aren't exactly being open toward him and that will make anyone feel unwelcome. He can't feel what you feel, he doesn't know what is going through your head. Chances are he's wondered what your problem is too and has had similar thoughts about why you act this way toward him. He likely doesn't know how to interact with you whether he's interested or not

There's no clear list of differences. It all depends

>>33687796
>>33687705 (OP)
One final thing
Some advice
I know you're shy and all, but you've got to step out of your comfort zone just a little bit. Just enough to let him know you don't hate or dislike him. So you'll have to talk to him when a clear opportunity arises. You don't have to go making up excuses all the time and give yourself away. Just try to treat him like a person. And he might open up to you more then and you'll get a better idea what he thinks about you

>>33687796
>>33687824
I agree with just about every poiny made, but especially the advice to approach him and break the ice. I’d almost advise you should impose yourself on him if given the chance which I know sounds terrifying if you’re not an extroverted person. Look for any reason to talk to him and get him to open up to you. You might find that he really is shy or nervous and needed to be pushed to open up, or you might find that he really doesn’t have any interest in you. The latter might hurt but you’ll at least know for sure where he stands and can stop wasting your time.

>>33687854
OP doesn't need to "approach" or impose on him
It depends also on the setting. If the setting is work or a friend group, then there will be natural opportunities to interact, and to just speak to him. OP doesn't need to walk up to him and start a conversation, that's not how it has to be

They implied there are other people in the setting and they regularly cross paths with eachother so it makes it very easy

>>33687796
thanks a lot for the long reply! and let's see.
>How he behaves around you all depends. Is he single? Does he have a girlfriend? What kind of person is he?
he's single for a long time, but had a LTR before. he's pretty attractive imo so i guess he could get a gf if he wanted to. but i do have a vague memory of him once mentioning he likes women who don't use social media (which i don't, but i didn't say anything back then bc i didn't want to seem like i was seeking attention). so, the reason why he's been single so long could be "strict" standards. but despite this he seems like a very laid back kind of person, not "incel" or like puritanical at all basically.

and yeah the thing is i've never really seen him interact with other women. i'm invited into this thing that is essentially a male-dominated hobby (by my brother in law), i'm the only girl there. but they seem to be fine with my company. if the group goes out to a bar afterwards, i'm usually invited along as well even if i'm not some core member. one time he did make an indirect off hand comment about me being attractive, so i think it's quite likely he finds me attractive on some level. he's also usually not the type to talk about personal life, women, dating, etc. so that was very surprising and it hasn't happened since then. since then he's acted as his "usual" self too, aka ignoring me a lot lol.

my own behavior is not completely black and white either. i act aloof around him most of the time but i do try to be polite too. sometimes i'm maybe overly polite and then get afraid if he or anyone can tell i like him.

>>33687916
I’d argue that if OP is going to be passive about it and wait for the ideal opportunities to come up then they’ll continue to be confused because he sounds like he’s already a passive guy. I know “impose” sounds like I’m telling OP to annoy him and see what happens but it’s really just taking the initiative themselves to engage with the guy and see where it goes from there. For all we know he could be waiting for his perfect moment that might never come. This isn’t a shit where you eat situation in which OP has a lot to lose just by going out their way to talk to him.

>>33687998
ngl technically i could do something but i am indeed very shy. i do not have friends for example thanks to my shyness/weirdness. but i guess on some level i really enjoy these moments of perceived romantic/sexual tension and on some level i'm afraid of the risk of losing that if i rock the boat. i'm also never ever alone with him and don't want to embarass myself in front of several people.

A man who's interested in you will make it known; seeking out your attention and offering his own. He'll remember seemingly small details about you and things you say. You just have to be open and receptive to his advanced when they happen, you don't have to approach him yourself. Good, interested men take the lead.

>>33688013
i doubt that'd happen. i forgot to mention it but he's actually a friend of my ex (and my ex is the only boyfriend i've ever had). i don't think they're best friends or anything but yeah.
so it could be he doesn't want to approach a friend's ex, and i'm doomed to have this crush forever because neither of us will ever do anything. assuming he even likes me.

>>33687971
Ok so as a guy I can help you understand a fella like this
This is a male dominated group. It has different social rules and dynamics than what you are used to. You are the only woman there and you were invited in by someone who is family adjacent

There are issues with inviting women into a male space. It can introduce an element of courtship and romantic interest and so it can start fights or tension over women that otherwise wouldn't be there. So there can be caution. Especially since you were brought in by someone who is family adjacent who might be more likely to be critical of anyone bee lining to you as a bad actor (aka just wanting sex). It doesn't always have to be like this, but it's a real risk. He has signalled that he thinks you are attractive but not chasing after you. That's not actually a bad sign

To me, he sounds like a reserved guy who is respectful. But unsure about if it's ok to get close to you in that way due to you giving mixed signals and perhaps group dynamics and having your brother inlaw in the group. You got to make an effort to stop being aloof around him. That's hard to do. I get it. But you got to put in some work to let him know you are open to him. It's a big risk for him getting it wrong, you can't expect a fella to chase you when you don't particularly give him any reason to think you like him as a person, let alone interested in him

>>33687998
Asking a woman to put her neck out like that is naive. They won't do that. I'm trying to be realistic
But yes if she had the gall to do it, it would be great. But she is clearly a meek person. That's not happening

>>33688026
That seems like an important detail to leave out. Unfortunately if he still maintains a friendship with your ex it’s unlikely he’s going to want to throw that away for you. If he does then that probably reflects poorly on his character more than anything. If they’re just acquaintences or distant friends at best it might be a different situation.

>>33688364
yeah i think i was focusing so much on thinking about and describing my interactions with him, and things about him in general that i somehow forgot to mention it ngl. probably there is no hope then. me and my ex did break up on good terms but i know that a guy like him (this guy, not my ex) who seems very respectful probably wouldn't do anything in this case.
>>33688248
sadly correct lol. even if i'd prefer to be another way, i've always been shy/meek i guess.

>>33688013
>anon timetravelled from the 1940's