Thread 33784777

My relationship stresses me out. We've been together for nearly two years, long-distance for close to half that time. She's always upset with or critiquing me and overall it's sent my anxiety sky high in recent months. I genuinely feel like I'm never enough, or even that she barely has an interest in what I'm doing. Damn near every night she says something that makes me feel like shit.

There are some nights where it feels like she's 100% right and I need to fix myself and others where I doubt whether or not I'm as bad as she seems to think I am. My self-esteem is at an all-time low but there's a part of me clinging onto the idea that I deserve this and shouldn't be ignoring critique just because it upsets me.

I'm afraid to break it off because she's my best friend and the idea of never talking to her again scares me.

>>33784777 (OP)
>relationship is a significant source of stress
>long-distance for half of it
>girlfriend destroying your remaining sense of worth with what she says
>self-esteem at an all time low
>"She's my best friend"
Anon, your first order of business is confiding your troubles to a real friend. I've always thought that the word "girlfriend" is a particularly harmful misnomer. In the vast majority of cases, the girl you're dating CANNOT - by virtue of the relationship's romantic element - be your "friend." Quality friends aren't tearing you down, fucking with your self-esteem, or making your life more stressful. This girl is not your friend. At this point, she's not even really *your* girl. If she respected you and loved you, she would be doing things that communicate her love and respect - it doesn't sound like she's adding anything positive to your life. You already know that it's time to break up. Grow a pair and do it.

>>33785019
I’ve confided in my guy friends about it but none have been able to give me a ton of advice beyond “just talk to her about how you’re feeling.” Probably doesn’t help that my friends have very little dating experience.

The only person who has given me actionable advice is my father, who in so many words basically said end it.

Can you elaborate more on why girlfriends can’t be friends?

>>33785113
In most cases, you shouldn't be saying "my girlfriend is my best friend." You're conflating two very different dynamics. A male friendship is one of the purest, strongest relationships that a human being can form. It's based solely on likeness of personality, beliefs, ideals, and (in many cases) shared suffering. By its very nature, a friendship's foundations do not rest on whether friend A wants to fuck friend B or vice versa. Friend A and friend B do not need to think about rearing children together. This is a HUGE deal. A friendship does not demand monogamy the same way that a male-female relationship does; I can have more than one friend. I can divide my time between my friends without any one of them becoming pissed off that they're not receiving my full attention. If you royally fuck up or hit a really rough patch in life, your friend isn't thinking, "he either needs to get his act together and better himself or I'm moving on." A good friend has no incentive to leave you or threaten to leave you if you don't "man up." The result is that you can be truly vulnerable with a quality friend without having your shortcomings or inadequacies being thrown back in your face down the line. Women are simply not wired the way that men are, and trying to treat one the same way you would a male friend seldom ends well.

>>33785250
I think I get what you mean.

I’ve been going through a rough patch mentally and have confided a lot of my struggles in her. At first she was supporting but nowadays it feels like it only drives her away so I’ve shut up about it for the most part. The other day she said something along the lines of “I need you to tell me that you even want to change so I can know I’m not wasting my time.” She says that she wants me to get better for my own sake, but it really feels like she just wants me to get better so I can be a better partner for her; it feels very dehumanizing at times.

I tend to put other people’s needs above my own, so I really can’t envision myself doing the same in her shoes. Whenever she’s come to me with problems it hasn’t made me think less of her at all, or changed how much I love/trust her.

>>33785295
>He fell for the "open up" meme
Anon, I...

>>33785379
This is the first long-term relationship I’ve ever been in. Most of this stuff is very new to me.

It’s pretty hard for me to mask my mental health struggles (OCD chief among them) so it was bound to come up eventually. I guess I should have handled it better.

The idea of not being able to be fully honest/open with a life partner is very depressing to me.

>>33785295
>At first she was supporting but nowadays it feels like it only drives her away
Your friends are who you should confide in 90-95% of the time precisely because of what you just said. She has grown to resent you for your struggles, which she sees only as weaknesses. These weaknesses detract from your value as a potential life partner in her eyes. You can't undo this - her perception of you has been permanently altered for the worse. Here's the good news: her opinion of you doesn't really matter when all is said and done. You were a human being before you met her, and you will continue to be one regardless of whether she remains in your life. Like I said, you need to broom her. You don't need to be rude or make it some grand display, just respectfully cut things off. I mean, does someone bitching in your ear about how you're not changing actually help you change? Does it solve your problems? Doesn't sound like it.

>>33785417
I understand.

How should I go about illustrating my problems to a partner in the future? Like I said in >>33785385 , the idea of being closed off to someone that important to me is disheartening.

>>33785385
It's not that you can't be honest or open with your partner. The problem is thinking that you can be mopey about your problems and ruminate on them as if you were sharing them with your friend. There are quality women that wouldn't use such things against your or judge you for your struggles, but by in large they are wired to be really fucking judgemental and picky. Don't get too down about it. It's not the fact that you have these problems that's a turn off, it's how you communicate to them.

>>33785464
Right, but how should I communicate them?

Now