Thread 33802876

>have intense paranoia of being cheated on
>have some trauma
>have major trust issues

Are these fixable? I'm almost 30 as a guy, succesful otherwise
>handsome
>decent enough career
>charismatic
But entirely undatable. I mean the paranoia is insane, I have to at best have romantic hook ups because then I can keep my emotions at bay but anything short of that I'm just likely not able to be in a successful relationship. I just got broken up with essentially, because of this. I think it's also anxiety + relationship OCD.
If I don't care, then it's easy and I do great but the second I like someone - it's over? Does therapy really fix this?

The end result of this btw is mostly like
>girl has a guy friend or does something slightly suspicious
>i turn it into a huge argument
>i kinda want the relationship to end

recently i actually got broken up with which was new for me, i cant tell sometimes if its values too but i really do feel like the issue

>>33802876 (OP)
Sometimes just being able to talk through the paranoia and/or concerns can help that person establish a mental balance and understand the situation. Did this person come out, accuse you, argue and end game or did they express a concern or feeling that could be caused by those misconceptions?

>>33802920
Think it was just too much of us talking things out too early
she kinda kept mischaracterizing me as controlling or thinking i was, when i was just kinda asking for help with some things
ultimately it was for sure a value different (guy friends, etc)

but i think my relationship ocd is still not great, while i dont think her and i would of worked out great, i still think i could of been a lot better in some ways

redditor tldr: we talked things out, she thought we talked things out too much. im probably manic and wish she could of been there for me emotionally but i dont know if she was capable of that and i can be a lot so i get it

Bump :(

>>33802892
I’m like you OP, except I’m not handsome and I don’t have a career. Do you also find yourself getting into relationships just to get into them?

>>33803538
Honestly I’m not normally a relationship guy but I would like to be one. Seems very not in the cards for me.

When I do get it I then it is often because it felt like I needed to be in one

>>33804065
In my opinion, fear of cheating comes from the illusion of control— most people don’t just cheat, but when they do, you tend to blame yourself or think if you’d kept a tighter leash this could’ve been prevented. You need to explore why you’re so worried about being cheated on. Even as someone else with such trauma, my paranoia stems from my fear of being alone. Cheating represents the end of a relationship -> means fuck, I’m alone and it’s over for me. So you need to ask yourself, if you are so scared of being cheated on it’s preventing you from being in a relationship, why are you that way?

>>33804135
I think it’s a mix between
>deep levels of betrayal from first love
>found out my dad cheated on my mom after 36 years of marriage
To me? It’s a fear of being an idiot. Getting my time and life wasted by someone playing and manipulating me. I don’t really mind be alone. I don’t like the idea of marrying someone who would betray me on that level. What scares me is having friendships or romantic relationships where these people abuse me and I never see it or say something

>>33804169
>found out my dad cheated on my mom after 36 years of marriage
That’s rough, what happened there?

>>33804208
Him and I never got along. Had a feeling he had cheated on my mom, then things got worse and she had to know.

Feels like I watched a lie my entire life growing up. Almost everyone on the outside thought it was normal but it wasn’t a good marriage. So much time wasted, lot of hurt.
I just genuinely do not understand how someone can betray another human like that. I’ve never cheated and even the trust issues I do have, think I’d be fine dealing with someone similar to me as long as I know they wouldn’t cheat.
Think maybe monogamy just doesn’t work

>>33804306
What are your goals in terms of romance?

>>33804322
Maybe a family?
Ideally it would be
>Loyalty
>Honesty
>Security
>to be understood

But I think I’m asking a fucking lot man. I don’t even see relationships I’m jealous of. So many of them I don’t even want. I guess I’d like an incredibly rare and fulfilling relationship to stay inside, have some weird sex and talk to

>>33802940
>>33802876 (OP)
I have similar issues OP, except I don't worry about cheating, I worry about them suddenly not liking me. Because women often do that, they tend to just act normal and make plans to leave you, and then do it when you least expect it. Or at least, in my case, and I'll admit I've mostly dated toxic women because they're drawn to me exactly because of my trauma. Thankfully I've dated a couple of women in my lifetime that have shown me how kind and loving women can truly be and I'm thankful for it, even though they didn't work out, since it keeps me leveled.

Anyway, my point is, the right woman who likes you will be understanding of your issues. Don't bring them up immediately and overwhelm them or trauma dump them, but once you've been together awhile and things are getting serious, it's okay to be candid and ask to talk about it. If they aren't receptive to hearing you out and working with you, then the reality is that it wouldn't have worked out longterm regardless because at some point your mask will slip.

This is definitely something you should see a therapist for, but it's also a thing that the right person will accept about you.

I know this isn't the answer you probably want, but it's the reality I think, and the only way to be happy. You shouldn't be in a relationship if you can't completely be your authentic self. And a girl who truly likes you won't let you go over things like that. But that's also the most difficult part... In these days and times, finding someone who won't replace you as soon as you show weakness is difficult because they have so many options, especially with women since social media and entertainment has painted this false idea that the "perfect" partner exists, when in reality it's people's imperfections that make them beautiful.

Ahhh... I'm so lonely bros. Lmao

>>33804367
Oh, and one last thing- paranoia CAN make you controlling. If women are consistently telling you that you act controlling, then chances are that you are exhibiting some bad traits. You need to look in the mirror and work on them, or like I said, see a therapist and get help. There's a difference in your anxiety being somewhat self-destructive and ruining a relationship and you telling a woman she can't go out or constantly harassing her about who's she hanging out with.

>>33804367
>they tend to just act normal and make plans to leave you
This is fucking terrifying. It’s happened to me before, and it might be happening to me now.

>>33804367
Thanks anon. You’re right.

In this most recent case I dated her for two weeks, cried and opened up for the first time in years and then about a week later woke up to a long message and being blocked on everything.
I think I was probably too paranoid and controlling. Probably too paranoid by a mile. It still hurt though. I don’t want to be controlling at all actually, that’s never my intention. I only ask what I would also reciprocate and honestly maybe in this situation it was reasonable. It was things like don’t drive back a male friend at midnight alone. However, I was oddly paranoid in other ways.
Regardless, you might be right friend. I do need therapy for it but I’m not sure therapy would solve it all, so I even further agree with your point about the right one.
I’m not sure if the right one would have endured my paranoia or not, I just know I don’t feel good about how it all ended but c’est la vie. I guess trying is better than seclusion. I don’t like how she handled it but maybe the good memories were still nice to have.

>>33804375
Yeah, that’s fair. I never say what they can or can’t do, I just leave too much normally. Idk. It’s too close right now to tell if that was the core issue although it certainly played a part.

Thanks anon, thanks everyone else in the thread trying to help too. We’re all gonna make it.

>>33804406
Forgive the shitty name but I used this website called cheeseburgertherapy, it’s chat-based therapy and only an optional $25 for a session. It helped me realize the root behind my cheating paranoia. Hasn’t “healed” it but understanding more goes a long way

>>33802876 (OP)
Eh I can't control if a person cheats only how ill act when I find out. That's why I tell my partners not to cheat, but moreso I'm just leaving them on the spot if I find out and cheaters often get sloppy so if she were, she can't hide it forever.

moids say that they are simple creatures who only want food and sex.
if thats true, why do u care about getting cheated on?
getting cheated on wont stop you from eating or getting laid

>>33804478
No men are not just carnal beasts with base desires, we do in fact have feelings
>>33804473
Based but what about minor weird situations, isn’t it a respect thing to a point?
>girl asks if she can hangout with her guy friend alone
Even if I’m not worried about cheating, to me that reads as so not within my own values that it’s unattractive.
>>33804467
Thanks anon but I’m gonna fully sign up but I do appreciate it

>>33804488
>girl asks if she can hangout with her guy friend alone
This is an awkward gray area that’s more about compatibility; in most relationships, realistically, you don’t find yourself hanging out with single opposite-sex all that much, why would you? Maybe as a one-off if some out-of-state friend is visiting or something, but even then, your partner should invite you. If some friend girl wanted to meet up, I wouldn’t care about my gf being there since I’ve no romantic desires for this third party. That’s how your partner should feel too. But there’s also people for whom this doesn’t matter and they still don’t cheat, so it’s just kind of basic compatibility

>>33804488
I give her ultimatums. My logic is is that you're not a fucking retard so clearly you know what will and won't piss me off. If I've voiced concerned over male friends and you constantly deny or bullshit me? Well guess whose suddenly going out alone or hanging with his own female friends. I'm more than happy to teach a woman a lesson if she wants to fuck around with me. Most guys would say leave but that doesn't teach her for the next guy she dates and won't know not to keep pulling bullshit. So if she wants to stay at some orbiting fags house? OK have fun, don't get pissy when you call me and I say I'm out or hanging with my own female friend solo, clearly you didn't see a problem with you doing so? So why are you upset at me? Don't you trust me?

>>33804510
Exactly. There are many nuances to a female male friendship, not that I vouch for that shit.

>>33804478
no one says this. why do you believe something so stupid?

>>33804519
>>33804510
To me, I think relationships are to tricky as is it’s always why like am I dating someone who would even risk this?
Obviously I’m not gonna have female friends, yes they would fuck me under the right circumstances and so would your male friends. How is this even a good idea to anyone involved? Maybe it’s a maturity issue I’m not sure.
Also I get your point but to me it’s like the fact some of it even needs to be said is kinda crazy to me.

Idk man I’m sure I’m paranoid and not easy to date but some of this from my break up is so fucking obvious. I guess that’s where values come in but half the time they’re just naive I feel like?
Also another point you said was about for the next guy, real as fuck man. I can tell when I date a girl whether or not the last guy knew what he was doing. Same goes for my exes, I’ve had women show me how to be a good boyfriend and I am better for it

>>33804406
>>33804467
Yeah, see, breaking down only two weeks in is considered dropping your spaghetti. Your inner turmoil shouldn't be anyone's business until you've known them for awhile, a month minimum, and you're vibing really well and you know them. But don't beat yourself up over it. I've done the same shit and that's why I can give you advice. You sound like where I was a few years ago.

And yeah, that IS kind of fucked up. Don't tell her what she can and can't do. Relationshits are about trust. The way I've learned to see it and the way you need to see it is, if she cheats on you, she's weeded herself out for you. You don't have to give rules to good women because if they like you, they're going to treat you right. If a woman is hanging out with other men frequently and not trying to involve you or reassure you that they're friendzoned, they're not really girlfriend material to begin with.

Of course, setting ground rules at the beginning is different, like "I prefer X over Y" and etc, but don't be ordering women around or they'll run off. Giving rules shows that you have self confidence issues. The only thing you should really be discussing is things that you appreciate and things that bother you, and it should be a discussion, not a demand. You'll have to take the L on this one.

TL;DR; a woman that really likes you will treat you with respect right out of the gate. The only thing you fine-tune in a relationship is by sharing specific things you like and dislike. Never assume they can read your mind. But within the first month or two, you're supposed to be just hanging out, having fun, and getting to know each other. Your issues shouldn't even be coming up until it's time to get serious.

Part of the problem is probably because you're putting all of your eggs in one basket. Don't just focus on one girl if she's not going to do the same for you. Have plenty of women you're friends with and can flirt with. Don't let her be your end-all til it's serious.

>>33804535
Exactly. A relationship may go south for me, but im always one to show what happens when you screw with the wrong guy. I guess in a sense that has kept me grounded because I have the hope that I'll find a woman that I no longer have to teach if that makes sense, yes I will have to show her new things but I won't have the hassle of training a woman like she's a day 1 puppy. These women definitely exist, just not en masse.

>>33804540
King shit. Man's knows his game.

>>33804540
I’ve slept with over 100 women. I’m normally almost emotionless when it comes to relationships.
I broke down randomly, I think my body felt some sort of release from the comfort. It was fucking bizarre lol. Didn’t open up and start crying, kinda just started crying? Was in tears being like “this is like the Hank Williams jr man of steel song can you play it”, very bizarre.
I normally agree anon and don’t even like that I opened up that much.

Only thing I disagree with is having options and not setting boundaries, first month should be value talks imo. That’s likely semantics issue if when you consider dating.
Regardless, I’m gonna try being open and emotional. Being withdrawn is fucking boring so I think at this point I’d genuinely rather get hurt. Fucking a hundred women to the point of apathy is really boring man. On some level I’m glad to have even gotten hurt.

I did put a lot of eggs in that basket and it went so bad. It fucked up a lot of my plans actually too. Regardless, I now you’re right however I think I’m gonna try out being a a bit of fucking mess instead and see how that goes because the closed off approach genuinely sucks. Maybe a middle ground. Actually might just fuck a lot and withdraw. It’s all up in the air but the point is your advice is correct and thank you

>>33804535
It's definitely a maturity issue. If you can't be friends with the opposite sex while dating, then you've a lack of self control. It's good to be rounded out and have friends of all walks of life or else you'll become stagnate and your partner will become the sole opposite gender friend you have, which can strain the relationship. It's nice to talk about your feefees with women, it's just that you don't want to dump it all on one person, generally.

If you're friends with someone and they hit on you, you just show your SO, apologize, and tell the person you can't be friends anymore since they have feelings for you. It's not rocket science.

I had some dumb bitch recently make this huge effort to get my number and be my "friend" just to talk shit behind my back and tell people I'm "texting her too much even though she has a boyfriend" when she'd treat me normal to my face and over texting. It was clear in her case she was just immature and wanted to make drama, so I deleted her number without warning and cut her off. When she text me trying to start more shit, I pulled the "Who is this?" line on her and she left me alone. Maturity issue on her part, especially since I hadn't made any moves whatsoever and was literally calling her "sis."

Relationships where each partner is being strict about who the other is friends with either become unbearably miserable or never work out.

>>33804557
Thanks Anon

>>33804560
It's up to you what you do, but generally you just don't want to overdo it at the start. I'm not saying to be closed off, I'm saying to dripfeed and keep it interesting. It's like how if you made a new guy friend, you wouldn't instantly start telling him your tragic anime backstory. You'd just hang out and bond over some video games/hiking/lifting, and then as you bond over those things, you open up more. Otherwise, you'd scare the dude off or you'd make him think you're gay or some shit.

It's like in racing: Slow is smooth, and smooth is fast.

>>33804574
>you're friends with someone and they hit on you, you just show your SO, apologize, and tell the person you can't be friends anymore since they have feelings for you. It's not rocket science.

It's a shame that many women, and hell ppl in general, WONT own up to this. Brother you're not wrong, 100% spot on. But I've seen more often than not ppl just ignoring or pushing this shit down, not saying anything to their SO, and maintaining the friendship because they can easily make an excuse and say they're drunk or texted the wrong person. Like I'm not a guy that checks phones, but I would never believe a woman unless she showed me proof of turning this guy down and discontinuing the friendship.

>>33804574
So real. Think I just got way too excited about having feelings and then immediately crashed the take off.
It is gay that we have to play the game, it’s very gay they tell you not to play the game yet you still have to. The middle ground is a rough area but that is what being a man is. Looking back I did essentially emotionally vomit, “hey so these are my insecurities, that’s fine right? I can change” so of course she left. It was my first time trying to be not so distant lol.
Well you live and you learn.
Also the friend rule seems reasonable. To me I think the core issue is finding someone emotionally mature and aware enough to reciprocate. I keep saying clingy women in the hopes it’ll patch this empty void feeling but they’re really never ACTUALLY clingy. They are insecure and run, oddly enough. Think a large issue is me not going after secure women.
Well, thanks again anon.

>>33804488
why do yall lie then? moids are so fucking dishonest.
>>33804531
moids say that all the time.

>>33804757
Look I’m not sure what’s going on but I’m sorry for whatever you’re going through too.
I’m a pretty damaged person. I hope you recognize it can happen on both sides.

>>33804757
whatever rot has taken your brain is terminal. i'm prescribing you get off the internet.

>>33804849
>>33804905
i'm a virgin, i just listen to males :)

>>33802876 (OP)
I believe people who make their way out of it like Sasha Grey more than full on religious conversion.

It just screams "I'm not like that anymore, I swear" -- its relying on another label to define them instead of just continuing their lives without it.

>>33810073
Well yeah because Sasha Grey owned it. She didn't claim to be shit, she did porn, was a massive whore, she got bored and moved onto something else and did it was passion just as much as she did in porn. You can dislike her profession but you can't deny the girl moves to her own drum beat and that's respectable. I dont think I've heard of any porn star being so liked that she was able to read books to kids and even had voice acting and regular acting roles. You would think for how fucked up women are that they would see her as somewhat of a role model in terms of owning it.

>>33810257
moids admit that they are all rapists. you are the evil gender.

>>33802876 (OP)
Idk, for me this is very easy. Just stop viewing cheating as a big deal. In fact I basically expect it, so that I can't be disappointed if it does happen.

>>33810376
thats my mind set. is prob is / has been / will cheat.. but I will not be surprised and will cut contact

>>33802876 (OP)
kek I wonder if you are my discord buddy, give the therapy a try, can put you in a good mindset, and you have someone you can just vent and dramadump on w/o consequences. I had that early on in my relationships, but got over it w/o therapy. I basically just tell myself my purpose in life isn't being on pussy patrol, if some nigga fucks my bitch whatever, if some nigga fucks my bitch, and I find out about it whatever, I'll get a new bitch. It's really not worth obsessing over.