Thread 33862726

ever since I discovered my now ex wife of half a decade has had multiple affairs over the years, I've fallen into a downward spiral eith no signs of slowing down.
Every single day, her ghost still dances in my mind, her voice echoes, and the horrible visuals of her with other men come flashing back to me. I just can't shake it.
Therapy has helped a bit, and I'm completely aware in my rational mind that it's over and done with, but I can't emotionally let go of the betrayal and hurt. It's been 2 years since this all happened. What do?

>>33862726 (OP)
>What do?
Fuck every single friend and relative of hers

>>33862726 (OP)
I'm sorry anon. Betrayal is a huge hurt that is tough to shake even after time passes.
It can hit your core and make you feel like you can't trust the next person.

I'm sure you've heard it all if you've been to therapy but the only way is forward. There are no winners or losers in these situations. Just those who move forward.

>>33862726 (OP)
Sounds horrible
Makes me question my own relationships
Makes me want to come up with a fool proof mindset and stick to it

I think what I'm going to come up with is the mindset of desire... If the girl feels easy to get, like I don't have to do too much to keep her, and also if I feel like I can be comfortably myself around her, then that's the girl. Otherwise - no go.

>>33862911
the only foolproof way is total blackpill - view women as temporary and never give yourself up 100% emotionally. She never is yours, it's only your turn until the ride ends and the next customer appears.

I feel you bro. My fiancee had a three week affair this year that was basically a bunch of hidden dates and long chats, which ended up with them making out. She admitted the next day, cried her eyes out and has been making amends ever since. Even talking about kids and how we'll grow old together. She seems to have scared herself straight.

I forgave her cause I had my own indiscretions, actually slept with someone, forced her into threeways etc. Sometimes it's just chemicals, a dopamine ride, some insecurities and a brain gets hijacked for a couple weeks. Of course in your case, if it's serial and multiple, that's another thing.. addiction.. Still, know that it's her failure, not your fault in anyway.

>>33862917
You can never love properly without giving the other person a gun to kill you with. Don't bother loving at all if you're gonna be puttin up walls

>>33862937
bro, she fucked him and you know it. Divorce her ASAP, it will happen again, I guarantee it.

>>33862937
dude, what fucking kids? Drop that whire immediately, it was not just a makeout session.
It's beyond over the moment you forgive her. Trust me, I've been there.

>>33862726 (OP)
Tell her new guy

>>33862937
I'm not trying to fearmonger, but to be realistic - throwing breadcrumbs of the truth to feel less guilty is a thing. This woman probably fucked him for 3 weeks and he ended it and when she felt bad - she came to you and masked it as feeling guilty to get your comforting going. People are truly disgusting.

>>33863127
When there is a confession of sorts its a womans way of dealing with her disappointment and/or rejection by a new guy. She invested time, emotion and lies to be with him. She fucks him and he isn't what she expected or he outright dumps so she switches to share the blame game. It was new guys fault for the misrepresentation or she lets a bf or husband come up with a way to blame himself (to protect his ego and accept her back) because of her faux contrite confession. Women know men that are emotionally connected will do this.

>>33862726 (OP)
(serious answer)
fuck 5 other women

>>33863345
It does work. Can confirm. It doesn't restore trust in women but it takes your mind off and gives you some female companionship of sorts. The trust thing will take 5 or more years. It took me 7.

>>33862726 (OP)
Your ex wife is retarded. Cheating is about her faults, not your faults. You had a bad retarded person in your life, and now you don't. You got unlucky. You got camped with a railgun. You respawn and keep going. Don't lose faith in people.

>>33862911
The girl can be easy to keep and you can be the best man on earth but she can still cheat. Again, it's on her. It's about what's in her head, not about who you are objectively. Women regularly cheat on superstars and so on.

>>33862917
The only foolproof way is recognizing all humans are fallible, still giving them love, but not being so fragile that you break if they turn out to be bad people, or so trusting that you end up losing your entire life if they turn against you.

>>33863353
OP here. Have fucked only one woman since and it was a drunken ONS. I don't have the energy for fucking around anymore.

>>33862726 (OP)
>Every single day, her ghost still dances in my mind, her voice echoes, and the horrible visuals of her with other men come flashing back to me. I just can't shake it.
Since this experience affected you very deeply, I figure you will be continuously reminded of it for the rest of your life, perhaps less frequently over time, and mostly triggered by certain moments or reminders.
You will likely end up harming yourself far worse if you try to 'forget' about it. Too many times i have seen people pursue something (job, leisure activity, etc) obsessively to their detriment in their desperate attempt to drown out the pain. It works temporarily, but it will lead to burnout and emotional collapse. A couple people I know ended up turning to substance abuse, and I fucking hated seeing that happen.

>>33863411
Then go buy pussy occasionally. That works too.

>>33862726 (OP)
Nothing will undo what happened, but if there is one thing that you MUST do, you must not let it happen to you again. If you go through something like this again, I am afraid that you will respond to it very very badly.
Prevention will require an honest and careful critical self-reflection, and it will likely hurt at first, but just know that it is necessary to figure out what you did to put yourself in that situation. I am not blaming you, don't get me wrong. I am only asking you to reflect on what you could have done to prevent all this.
Did you know your ex wife's character well enough before you married her? This will likely be the most important thing to reflect on. Women who have a history of cheating prior to getting married are far more likely to cheat after getting married.
Was there something you did that made her feel like she could cheat and get away with it?
Any early warning signs that were missed?
The deeper you reflect, the more solutions you can come up with.

>>33863532
she was a hoe when we started, so I musn't ruminate on the whys at all. Granted, she did spin me a story about how she changed when we met, and all that classic spiel.
It's the enormous amount of gaslighting and lies I can't stomach. The intimacy we shared and the woman I loved were all essentially a fabrication on her end, and I find it hard to wrap my head around of such psycho actions. She always could have just told me and left.
When I did find out in my own accord, she realised she lied herself into a corner and turned into a vile fucking demon. The things she said to me were mind breaking.

>>33863448
too late for that, I turned into a massive alcoholic since then, I basically drink 24/7, sleep never, and eat maybe 3 times a week. I'm a fucking zombie dude.
The worst part is she is probably on her 15th Chad since then and doesn't give a shit about the people ruined in her wake. Last I heard is that 'she wishes me well and hopes that I am happy', meanwhile I fantasize about strangling her to death while crying myself to sleep every single day.

>>33862726 (OP)
As for the shitty memories that will haunt you for the rest of your life, you will have to do something to make those memories not bother you anymore everytime you are reminded of it. Something to reassure you that those memories do not matter anymore (because you got even, achieved justice, you stuck up for yourself, etc), or even make you glad of what you experienced (because you learned something so valuable that ended up helping you become infinitely successful, prosperous, happy and content).
I am hoping that you can somehow turn this around into an opportunity to make yourself infinitely a better, stronger, happier, and more successful and prosperous person. Ultimately, it’s up to you, yes, it will mean facing intense emotions and pain, especially in the beginning. But the encouraging truth is that humans tend to just get used to things automatically. Just as a joke loses its punch after you've heard it too many times, grief and pain also dull with repetition. Over time, what feels unbearable now will become more manageable.

If you've endured all this for two years, you're one tough son of a bitch. You've already proven your resilience. Now steel yourself and charge ahead.
Hope this helps, and please don't make a liar out of me, mate.

>>33863591
I'm doing my best. I haven't skipped a single work day in years and am just powering through it. I have become increasingly jumpy and antisocial as a result, being around others horrifies me ever since.

>>33863631
This. If you're living for a woman and don't have a mission in life then you've already lost. Also just lean into it and fuck other women too.

>>33863561
>'she wishes me well and hopes that I am happy
If she is the kind of person who means what she say, she wouldn't have cheated on you. She would have walked away first.
Truth be told, she doesn't give a fuck about you.
It is good that didn't harm you any worse. She could have killed you with just a single stab in the right place while you are sleeping next to her.
By the way, do you have any friends that don't drink?

>>33862726 (OP)
>>33862741
yeah, and to make it worse, you basically never get over betrayal
you can thinking and feeling about it, but whenever it crops up it will be painful, that is the nature of the thing
best bet is to rewire your brain so that you find her absolutely repulsive and that those behaviours of hers were totally embaressing and cringy and that they don't reflect on you at all, instead they just show what a trashy desperate dishonest piece of shit she was
you'll also want to big yourself up whilst you do this, so do things you've always wanted to do, try classes for things you're interested in, treat yourself well and become fit and healthy, eat well, drink lots of water, stay active
if you do one and not the other the process will fuck up
you have to do enough drastic change of self and perspective to basically leave the version of you that is hurt in a nonexistant past, and become a new better person unassociated with the pain or the person who caused it
thats my opinion

>>33863618
Its 12:00AM in South Korea. I'm off to sleep now.
Let's pick this up again in the morning.

>>33863691
you can -avoid- thinking and feeling about it*

>>33862937
Simps, foods, troons, and just world faggots don’t want to hear this, but when a man cheats it’s completely different from a woman cheating. She is gonna leave you, she’s bonded to another male now.

>>33863881
I've only cheated once in my life, after I secretly found out my ex had already done so. Didn't have the guts to end it immediately as the kid without self respect I was back then, I wanted to get back at her and get even. After I did it, I spent an hour crying in my car.
Despite the fact I knew I was cucked, doing that to someone else felt soul crushingly awful.

>>33862940
>You can never love properly without giving the other person a gun to kill you with.
I have never heard that before. It is worth reflecting on nonetheless. One should absolutely be able to trust the person he is in a genuinely loving relationship with.
It isn't about giving the person you are in a loving relationship a decisive control over your life.

>>33862726 (OP)
let go of your pride
that's the part that is hurt mostly.

>>33862726 (OP)
Take responsibility
You cant change the past or her but you can change yourself
Get a clue about what you did wrong, and change
Wisdom is about not trying to change what you cant, yadayada

>>33866661
>woman is a cheating whore
>blames the man
Like clockwork

>>33862937
> know that it's her failure, not your fault in anyway.
Omfg
See >>33866661

>>33866663
The man blames himself for everything so he can act upon his own destiny
Own your life, anon
She may be the devil but she didn’t come into your life by mistake: you let it happen

>>33862940
> You can never love properly without giving the other person a gun to kill you with.
It’s not about love, anon
Women extract your resources and you give these to them or not, and in whatever mood you choose
Love is how they sell this straightforward use of males to their marks

>>33866666
I'm only to blame for selecting the whore in the first place and losing my mind after years of gaslighting.

>>33863378
Lol no it’s on you for having put yourself in that situation
You are an agent, act like one
It’s a girl thing to pretend things just happen to them
> The only foolproof way is recognizing all humans are fallible
…and not giving them any leeway to screw you over
If a girl screws you over you brought this upon yourself
Live and learn
This also is the key to male psychotherapy: understanding what you did wrong and taking resolution not to fall into that behavior and its predictable outcomes anymore

>>33863552
She was just using you. Consider it dead, not just her or your relationship, but your vulnerability to trusting women. Let that part of you die. Then breathe in a new life. You are still alive, life is a miracle and it will renew you when you let it.

>>33863561
Wtf. She isn’t Life. Drop her. She’s just a girl and you acted stupidly by trusting what cannot be trusted. Let it go. You are just as able as before, just wiser.

>>33866678
Yes. Ans letting her gaslight you for years. Believing, hoping, trusting. It’s not women or living you need to swear off, it’s naivety.
As long as you’re angry at her, you havent let go of your illusions.

>>33866689
The core of the healing process is to nurture that part of you that was and tends to be naive. He’s not a bad boy, just clueless. Within naivety is life. Kill the illusion within your mature mind that that young essential boy’s naivety works in the real world, but dont kill that inner child. Heal yourself. Nurture yourself. But guard yourself. Your little boy is for you, not women. Express him with children, animals, nature, creativity etc

alcohol makes a good work

>>33866865
I know

>>33862937
Bro do not marry that woman

>>33867709
let him, it's his canon event. Men only ever learn self-respect once in their lives, he'll be a broken alcoholic like OP and most of us sooner or later.

>>33862937
All the replies ignoring that this dude slept with someone else as well.

>>33871135
forgiving cheaters in any capacity is a death sentence. She is as stupid as he is.