Thread 33884724

Mother-in-law came from a family where the father beat the son all the fucking time. Never touched her but she is super passive aggressive and perfectionistic (in her career) to avoid confrontation. It makes me sad for her. She and her mother treat the brother like shit when he seeks validation or reassurance that what happened to him was wrong...tbf this made him a little crazy. They claim they treat him like shit because he's crazy.

Our husbands wrangle this woman's anxiety and emotions. She doesnt get angry, but she panics or cries when things don't go her way. They keep secrets from him together to appease her. She keeps FIL on a leash and it's sad because he is a little troll at heart.

She was a helicopter parent, my husband didn't tell them anything growing up. He did all of the drugs in secret, and rebelled by flunking out of college.

To this day MIL holds everyone hostage with her anxiety. My husband made me invite her to my c section recovery so she could see the baby. He didnt want to hurt her feelings.

Am I just a salty daughter in law? this is absolutely possible. I came from a family with poor boundaries, but everyone was honest and straight forward. They could be mean but always loyal and constructive. Insincerity/high elaborate social protocols always rubbed me as devious, controlling, and exhausting. I'm on 4chan, after all. (I'm not an asshole, there is always a nice/est way to be truthful)

Just curious on your take.

Fwiw my husband views his PhD academic mother as a delicate flower we all need to protect. Everything she does is unintentionally annoying. Which is a funny joke considering she mastered social protocols to survive her shitty upbringing. I worry that this culture of secret keeping will influence our daughter. I don't want her to think this is normal. But I love how much MIL loves her.

>>33884724 (OP)
Nah, you're definitely in the right. Your husbands family is screwed up. I think it ma ybe a good idea to encourage your husband to seek therapy to untangel the relationshsip with his mother and truly grow up. Being this hung up about your mom at that age isn't really normal, and its pretty clear she employs her anxiety as a (subconscious) strategy to command attention, indirectly trying to experience affection that way because she never learned to do it in a healthy manner.
Bascially people who weren't really loved as children try to compensate for that by seeking love and affection in manipulative ways. Unfortunately, this also turns them into a sort of vampires , because no matter how much affection they manage to gain, it will never make up for the void their parents left.

>I came from a family with poor boundaries, but everyone was honest and straight forward. They could be mean but always loyal and constructive.

Thats actually a very good environment to grow up in. Honesty takes courage, and most of all it innately repels that exact kind of vampire because they absolutely cannot stand blunt honesty and being called out on their bullshit.
It seems like choosing you as a partner was another step in your husbands journey to breka the mold, like his "rebellion" and bodes well. But I believe he needs to come to terms with his upbringing and who is mother truly is instead of further attempoting to save her, ebcause he can't
Doesn't mean not loving her, but simply taking her as who she is and being aware of her negative sides. You do not want your MIL to muck around in your family life, especially not with kid(s) of your own around.