Thread 33893510

There's a certain type of person I've felt I should be since adolescence. This is based on both what I think is beautiful and a person I feel should exist but largely doesn't so it's my duty to ensure 'she' exists. It is embarrassing, childish and borderline schizophrenic, but for me it is to essentially be a real life 'waifu'. To fulfil that sense of beauty and not waste being a biological female who is more in touch with 'male' interests and more 'based' with my views. It is entitled and delusional but I do not know why I think like this or want it.
Nevertheless, I am nearing 22 and I am still the same old me. I tried so hard to achieve this ideal for a decade now but have failed. I'm scruffy, I'm unrefined and uncomfortable taking myself seriously, I'm interested in different things, I've looksmaxxed but am a 5/10, and time is running out. I constructed this ideal in my head to strive for because I genuinely love 'her' and what she represents to me but is just not me. Whenever I see something that reminds me of 'her' I feel jealousy that I'm not like that and a sense of regret and loss for 'wasting' myself.
I've tried reminding myself it's just a fantasy and everyone an idol they'll never be but I can't let go, maybe because I know technically it is still achievable in reality.

>>33893510 (OP)
Why should any person ever accept themselves?

>>33893510 (OP)
Could you be a little more specific? What does the ideal you look like and how does the real you fall short?
>inb4 "gock too small"

>>33893515
Being secure in yourself is one of the best things you can do. I think.
>>33893517
Yeah, sorry, I didn't want to drone on too much in the OP.
>ideal you look like
It's excruciating actually typing this out but personality wise, I wanted to be refined and elegant, still reserved but mature. I wanted to care about creating things like art and take an interest in the subject as well as fashion and genuinely care for my looks. Most of it just comes down into fitting into my framework of what I consider beautiful and elegant, both to feel that way myself and the image I present to others.
>real you fall short
I'm almost the exact opposite. I'm clumsy, too laid-back to the point of caring about nothing and apathetic and I get some sort of rush from annoying people and getting a reaction. That's basically the only time I enjoy social interaction. I'm only interested in slop like grim reality shows and drama and get nothing out of creating or contributing anything. And I really have tried through losing weight and taking care of myself but I'm just not attractive facially. I'd feel embarrassed actually buying proper clothes or wearing makeup, I don't think lipstick should be put on pigs (ergo, only pretty people should bother with it) and is basically telling the world that I want to look good when I should know my place. Generally I seem to get something out of being a pathetic loser, it actually gives me a boost of confidence whether from knowing nobody can tear me down if I'm at rock bottom and never try or how it feels like rejecting the world and people that rejected me. I know it's cringe, but it is what it is.
>gock
Grim. I'm not a tranny, they disgust me actually.

>>33893510 (OP)
You’ll be chasing that for life, coming from a fellow ideal chaser. Much easier to get the thing (husband) this ideal was created to achieve.

>>33893595
> get some sort of rush from annoying people and getting a reaction
This is infinitely more based and interesting and virtuous than being a proper maiden or w/e. I would much rather the mother of my children be silly and lively than a proper court maiden if that means anything to you.
As for the stuff about self improvement, being creative, etc: your inaction is a means of anaesthetizing yourself because there's some pain you're trying to escape. Maybe that's the pain inherent to self-improvement, maybe its the pain of your current home life, w/e. Only you would know what that is. My advice for you is my advice for 90% of things: sit quietly without stimulation for an hour and see what bubbles up. Sounds like something the proper hoity toity version of you would have no problem with innit?

>>33893510 (OP)
IFS therapy

>>33893612
That's really nice of you but probably would be a terrible decision on your part. I don't think I'll ever be prepared or mature enough for a relationship. I'll give the sitting thing a try and I think you're right about the escapism bit. Thanks for this.
>>33893619
Tried general therapy twice and I was too embarrassed to tell either of them what I felt so I just skirted round what I wanted to say and ended up wasting my money. Think it's all a load of old rubbish though honestly.

If you want to be refined and elegant ideally you should consider ballet. and maybe yoga and pilates as well, having a good posture is being 80% there already. and read classic books in your own language to have a larger vocabulary, that always comes across as classy.

>>33893715
I'll sound arrogant but I probably would consider myself having a good posture and large vocabulary due to recent focus on my health and reading often, but there's no point if I can't commit to the rest of the bit.

>>33893510 (OP)
My wife is based and into many male interests. She is still feminine and gorgeous. The difficult part for you is to find the balance, but the balance point does exist. You really don't have to choose, and as a pretty girl who is a based far-right natsoc with an interest in typically male things you will basically have your pick of a large pool of men who would be exceedingly happy to date you.

>>33893510 (OP)
Being the kind of person who wants to be better already makes you better than most.

>>33893991
Problem with that is I’m not gorgeous. This isn’t a case where one of those pretty girls puts herself down for attention or sympathy, but as much as I’ve tried I am not attractive. Pudgy round British sort of face and features and a lot of asymmetry that makes taking good photos near impossible. A lot like picrel but a bit more gonkish. It’s not a problem when I don’t try and look nice but if I were to start then it’d be the equivalent of putting a pig in lipstick. It shouldn’t be done.
>>33894082
I just want peace of mind and I can’t relax with this weighing on me.

>>33894404
Just run, lift weights, get a nice ass and good physique, and most guys would be more than happy with you

>>33894416
My body is fine and I’m decently fit for someone with heart conditions, just my face that isn’t good.

>>33894692
Looksmaxing, refinement and elegance, artistic skill can all be trained and bettered. If it bothers you that much you need to take it as far as possible, really go hard. Until you get to the limit the nagging sense will never leave you.

You have to go all out, even if you fail you'll be able to accept it if you've really pushed it.

>>33895116
Very true. Thank you.