Thread 33894576

I'm 20F and idk what to do with my life. I've been wanting to end my life ever since I was a young teen. My current problem (that has always caused me trouble) was finding a job. Currently I'm jobless, my army contract ended this August. I've been sending out cvs to job offers yet no one takes notice of it. I thought about doing something in airlines (stewardess, maybe some kind of computer work, etc) but it sounds more like a fantasy rather than an actual job. I feel pressured by my family and my bf and the only thing left that I see as an acceptable answer is ending my life. I've never got any help because therapy and psychologists never helped me. I don't have any ideas on what to do with my life, if I should stay or not. If anyone knows any painless suicide methods, please inform me, I'd appreciate it.

>>33894576 (OP)
If your body and face look ok (not fat nor ugly(if ugly use makeup until you look ok for the average fucktard)) get some nice clothes, make nice pics for your Instagram, write a cv, send to all the airlines with your professionally made pics of you.
Wait two weeks, if no answer, repeat.

>>33894624
I don't wear makeup and I'm only a bit chubby although I've never been seen as fat/obese. But I guess you're right. I'm just thinking about what else to do

Please don't see suicide as an only option miss

>>33894576 (OP)
I won't read suicide threads because they are always simply seeking attention or reassurance so that they can argue the point with the would-be helper, and nothing anyone says is going to help them and it is a waste of time. Time is too precious in one's own life to waste it that way. The choice of whether to continue to exist is a very person thing and different for everyone. For me it is a quiet rage and "bloody mindedness." Each person must find his own answer but here's the ray of hope: there absolutely is such an answer for each and every person, you just need to find it.

>>33894721
Why are you rp'ing as I won't read guy? You're gay as fuck.

>>33894721
>>33894721
Hitler is someone I sometimes look up to lol. But anyway, I get what you're saying. The thing is, I'm not asking for attention nor do I need it - all I want is just some help (god forbid therapists, they only persuade that everything will turn out okay, bla bla bla) or advice from average people like us. I've been seeking a sense in life practically my entire life. I won't get into details about my own trauma, etc, but I've read that people who have to survive (not live) ever since they were young, you lose your sense of life; that probably shaped me into who I am now. I've fought with suicidal thoughts ever since I was like 11/12, hell maybe even younger than that. But again, I just want advice and some kind of perspective from others. I've mentioned this problem many times to my partner, yet he always responds with something along the lines of "you need help or at least try to look for it". It just doesn't help, nothing really ever worked, even antidepressants that my mom gave me

>>33894741
The person might've only just noticed it and seen it as an attention-seeking post lmao. I only want to see what others think and (hopefully) might give some advice - hence I posted this on the advice board

>>33894576 (OP)
>have family
>have bf
>have an aspiration
>still wants to kys

do you take meds and/or checked yourself for depression or something like that?

>>33894682
when you turn 22, your metabolism will disappear, fix the chubbiness before you go obese

>>33894794
My mom's job is similar to a psychologist (has a degree for all that stuff) and she personally told me that it looks like depression as well as that she's seen it get worse throughout the years. I don't take antidepressants because they're shit and they don't help as much as I'd want (I've taken them for a few months when I was younger and it helped me only a bit) (I'm not losing my ability to orgasm while having sex just from taking happy pills lol). The stewardess thing is only an idea, it sprouted when I was younger and I wouldn't really call it an aspiration. Being in the army only proved that I'm capable of being frequently homesick while on longer trips and that I'll use a weapon if I'm near it (suicidal thoughts). I know that you shouldn't be in the army while depressed, but 19 year old me was somewhat happy back then about the idea and it didn't seem that big of a problem

>>33894709
Kinda too late. It's been etched in my life as a way to disappear. Sure, suicide is selfish but if you suffer mentally and it makes others around you suffer, then why not

i recommend u keep taking antidepressants but if u dont want to the answer is lorazepam and diazepam, read Dignified Dying of Boudewjin Chabot for details, u can find a pdf online.
if u can't find benzos u can also do charcoal burning.
i dont recommend doing it but i dont like how everyone gatekeep the methods as if everyone had to be forced to live.

>>33894815
I'm already working on that. Eating less is helping me but it's making others worry about me. I tell my bf and younger sister that I'm fine and that I'm not hungry as often as I used to be (I base my "diet" on drinking more (water, juices, monsters, etc) and sometimes some small meals) yet they see that as a "slowly progressing ed"

>>33894883
if you rely on juice and monster make sure theyre low calorie

>>33894881
Idk if I'll be able to find any of those in my country (I'm from eastern Europe). But I thought about stuff like digesting some kind of chemicals in big loads (ofc somehow prepared). As a kid, I read that a certain amount of cherry pits contain enough cyanide to take in, although they'd have to be crushed lol

>>33894901
i havent seen anything about that. u can probably do charcoal burning tho look it up

>>33894890
Yeah, I do that. I only drink zero sugar monsters or other energy drinks (same with coffee although I drink it from time to time) and small juice portions. If I am in the mood to eat but I'm not hungry, I just chew gum or drink more

>>33894916
Alright, I'll check it out. Some person also mentioned reading a pdf in one of the replies, so I'll also look into that

>>33894929
Oh wait, you're the one that mentioned it. Sorry lol, I didn't notice

>>33894821
>I wouldn't really call it an aspiration
you're only 20, there's still time to try something else in the future. If you have ruminated the idea being a stewardess and you liked the idea, i'd say go for it. At least if you were a co-worker and told me you wanted to be a stewardess I would find it pretty cool.

>>33894958
You think so? I mean, I do find it as a cool job but I feel the pressure of getting a job immediately from everyone around me. Where I'm from, it's pretty hard to find a decent job unless I'd want to work on construction sites, deal with heavy machinery and stuff like that. I was thinking of moving to a slightly bigger town/city soon since my bf will be done with high school in may, although this might also change. We had a talk about this yesterday (my idea of the stewardess stuff) and he was fine with it and that I should go for it if it's something that I see myself in, which surprised me - he's on the autism spectrum (I really don't mind it, he's the most caring and gentle person I've ever known) and one of his fears is me being far away from him and not knowing what's happening with me (this happened pretty frequently while I was still in the army). But other than that, a minor problem that is connected with my bigger problem is that I really don't see myself in typical and specific careers. I've thought about doing something with the English language (it's a huge pro, for me at least; people from my country nowadays are an A2, B1 or don't even speak in English; I lived in the us for almost 7 years as a kid), art (I'm decent in drawing/painting, at least a bunch of people are impressed lol) or maybe history (I'm really keen on 20th century history and up) but all the jobs I've considered related to those things don't earn as much money as I thought it would (inflation sucks) and I don't want to mix my hobbies/interests, if you know what I mean

>>33895020
>20F
>I'm not losing my ability to orgasm while having sex just from taking happy pills lol
>since my bf will be done with high school in may

hot... but anyway, I first I thought you were getting the same anxiety I was having when I was going to college, but I kind of lost it when i finally got a serious job and realized things aren't as bad as I thought. How was your experience in the army?

>>33894576 (OP)
Don't kill yourself that's cringe, but Based on your other replies in this thread, you sound pretty set on killing yourself so idk why you posted here in the first place if you're not gonna listen to any of the advice you're being given.

>>33895083
Not like it sounds, but my bf is only 2 years younger than me and we've known each other since 2022. But anyway, that's lucky of you. I was in college too but it didn't work out (I didn't pass one of the most important exams in the first semester after 5 months of wasting time there). My experience in the army was like a rollercoaster - I loved my experience in basic training (my platoon was amazing and I met a lot of cool, funny and interesting people there). Then when I worked my 11 months in another base, not that far from my hometown, it was good and bad. I met many other people (some of them also from my hometown) and it was nice getting along with certain people. I met a wonderful woman there, around my mom's age (I have young parents lol), we became good friends, and as a joke, we both agreed on calling each other mother and daughter. I went on different trips and I learned a lot of stuff even though I went through a lot, both mentally and physically. If the airline stuff won't work out, the army is my plan b, but it would make my relationship and mental health suffer even more than before

>>33895129
I never said that I was set on killing myself nor that I wouldn't listen to advice... I mentioned in a few replies that I'm here for help and advice. And no, suicide isn't cringe. People suffer and it's a natural selection for those who are weaker

>>33895140
but overall how do you feel you conducted yourself while working? did you manage to get along with people? be productive? did you get yelled at? felt humiliated? Going by what you posted it seems you did well enough, which is what most people would want. If you manage to land a job in an airline, would you be satisfied if it was the same as the army, emotionally wise?

>>33895185
I was productive since everyone from my platoon at the other base were pretty much lazy and didn't want to work hard, they only wanted the money (the majority of people said they only joined because of that). I was only yelled at if I made a minor mistake while doing desk services (everyone has to go through it). Anyway, I always got along with everyone, even if they were rude to me. I never had any problems with communication and working with other people. With the stewardess job, I think I'd be okay in it. I do stress out frequently but I'm alright working under pressure and when time is running low. The main thing that does inspire me into wanting the job is because of travelling - I've always enjoyed going to places, even if it meant me being tired constantly

>>33894576 (OP)
Have you considered having kids and being a housewife?

>>33895276
then i'll say this in the most respectable way

fucking quit whining and go after it. Right now you have some random guy vouching for you so that's reason enough for you to feel confident you'll get it. If you don't want to take meds for your (possible) depression then exercise would probably be the next best thing, go jog, it's almost free and it helped me a lot when getting out of the pandemic, if you don't want to exercise either you then can go fuck yourself

anyway, you're gonna make it, you'll feel anxious at first but it's easier than it looks

>>33895329
Yeah, but it's early for that. I mean, I basically raised my 3 youngest siblings (ages 8 and two twins ages 5) although my bf needs to find a job first. He said it himself that he wants to support me and our future family. I don't know when we'll get married (we're dating to marry; we never dated anyone else seriously) and I don't know when we'll have kids together. I already had a pregnancy scare a month or two ago, that's enough nerves and stress to go through when you aren't planning for a family lmao

>>33895333
Fair enough. This is the kind of answer I was expecting for those who actually want to give helpful advice. If I'll have the opportunity tomorrow, I'll deal with sending out cvs to airlines. And yes, I'll feel anxious since it's a big step but it also reminds me of how anxious I was when I filled the paperwork for the army. Thank you, anon, you were a great help. I spent these last few hours really depressed (as usual) but this definitely made me think more clearly. May God (or whoever/whatever you believe in) bless you :) I'll still read any responses, if they appear, but I'll definitely have this conversation in mind

Have you considered taking lithium? This genuinely just sounds like mild bipolar

>>33894576 (OP)
>stewardess
If you ever get invited to an interview come in dressed up nicely(not date-nicely but official occasion nicely) and with full makeup, even have professional do it for you, if you can find airline guidelines for it then that's even better(some airlines are specific even to the brands you are supposed to use). I know how it sounds but that's how the recruitment for it looks like. Also never tell them you like traveling they automatically dump you into undesirable basket if you do. Also I'll just note, don't get me wrong when I say this but you'll probably lose a bf over this job eventually. It's the kind of work where you're never around him but what you are around are horny and rich pilots. Not a recipe for good relationship.

Also finding job while unemployed always sucks, it took me 3 months after graduating university and it was a shit job, midnight shift every day.

>>33897593
Yeah, I totally get that. You did also mention good advice when it comes to the recruitment stuff. I read a lot of information about the airlines I specifically want to apply for and thankfully they aren't as strict as, for example, the Emirates airline (I would literally have to look like Sydney Sweeney or some other hot celebrity; I'm decent looking and always have been told that I have a unique look).
With the relationship stuff, I am already somewhat mentally prepared for that. I told my bf about that (that it may break us apart) but he wants me to do what I dream of doing. Thankfully I'm not the kind of person that thinks about my mental state or my needs constantly; when I was in the army, I was so busy that I didn't even look at or think about myself. In summary, I'm prepared for it takes to do this job

>>33897593
I forgot to mention in my reply but I know how hard it is to find a job. I've been jobless since midst of August 2025 and haven't been accepted to any jobs (I sent out cvs, looked for jobs, etc). Thankfully I'm registered at a so-called "job office" - my country has a bunch of public offices that help you with specific stuff, so in this case, the people working there help me find suitable jobs, pay me some cash as someone who worked before and is jobless currently (not a lot, but it's always something and I really appreciate it), and stuff related to that

>>33897491
I've never heard of that but I'll read about it. There might be a slight chance that I might have a mild bad, since my family has a history of "mental illnesses" (not registered sadly, or actually that might be good; I don't want it to be official nor for people to think that I belong in the looney bin, which I'm definitely not in the state to actually be taken in there). I personally don't consider depression as a mental illness since everyone can get it but a lot of my family members have it - I'm guessing that it all originated when communism was still a thing in Europe and because times were extremely hard from where I'm from

>>33894721
Mein Kampf , acts 3 chapter 5 verse 58 , one of Hitler s best verses . >>33894772
you re a girl that knows about the fuhrer ? jesus christ you won me already .
can you shorten everything for me please

I will kill myself. One day I will wake up early in the morning and I will have the desire to kill myself. I will kill myself, but that does not mean I want to die. I want to live, but I have no choice. My vital needs are not met. My most basic need for someone else's support is not met. I am tired of going through hard days and suffering. If I wake up tomorrow with the thought "I will kill myself," it does not mean that I have not had suicidal thoughts. If I wake up with such a thought, I will kill myself. It could happen tomorrow, but right now, while I live in the present, I do not want to die. I suspect I have schizophrenia. I will not be able to see a specialist. If you say "Don't kill yourself" / "Kill yourself," it will not change anything. It is just a fact.

>>33894576 (OP)
if you actually wanted to end yourself, you would've done it already. stop feeling bad for yourself and just keep going like the rest of us fgt.

>>33900070
Shorten what exactly? But yeah, I'm really keen on ww2 history and stuff like the Vietnam war, cold war, etc lol. I have so many books about it all although I'd have to get back into reading them. Maybe I'll start reading some books later on, there's a book I want to read that's about the Palestinian war so it might be interesting since I'm also keen on the situation there

>>33901565
I know. There were a bunch of times that I regretted not doing it but I always remind myself that I'm living for my family. I'm keeping up somehow, I'm still searching for the job and thankfully I'm not having any suicidal thoughts for now

>>33894576 (OP)
>army
The problem with this LLM prompt is there are people here who were in the Army who know better.
Going all the way back to the cold war, the army doesn't offer 2 year active contracts the shortest they ever offered is still currently available 2 years active and 6 years reserve as a package deal.
So assuming you didn't get med boarded for mental illness or criminal acts (DUI) or something else, you're in the Reserves every month for a weekend now, so ask one of your 200 closest friends in your unit for a reference to go work with them the rest of the month. When I was in, this worked pretty well. My stereotypical logistics unit had CDL truck drivers, union electrician apprentices, several engineers who "know a guy" who could get you hired, a union bus driver, a printing industry millwright, etc etc etc.
How you escaped the Army without taking SFL-TAP is a mystery, that is well after my time in the service, but the impression I had was they're not letting you out of those classes until you have a "good job".
What are you doing with your GI Bill money assuming the offer than for 2-year contracts?

>>33903173
This is the most American post I've ever seen. The army contracts in my country work way different. Yes, I'm in the reserve but you only get a direct letter from the army if they need you. Here, you go through basic training, then do your 11 month "training". If you're lucky enough, you'll have an advisor that'll give you papers to sign to become an official soldier. No, not everyone "knows someone" that can help you, you'd have to be older or know a shit ton of people to get in.
When it comes to all the exams (psychological and health), you'd get redirected to other cities by your advisor(s). Rn if I were to go back, I'd have to call up some dude that deals with the positions available, then I'd be redirected for those exams. If I pass, I get the job back; if not, then I'd have to wait a certain amount of months (I don't remember how much) to try again