Thread 33907444

Is it okay to apologize for being awkward? Talking to a guy online right now and I really really like him and want this to work out but I'm doing all the same things I did in my last relationship. I'm just so painfully awkward and boring and quiet. He keeps telling me to “stop holding back” and that he likes me and enjoys talking to me, but I feel so so stupid and dull, I don't believe that there is any way he actually does. I cannot flirt, I can't think of anything to say, all I can do is ask questions and my questions suck. I feel frozen. Help me please please please. Is it okay to apologize for all of this? To acknowledge it? I don't know what else to do. I'm also ugly so there isn't really any benefit in being around me.

>>33907444 (OP)
Damn, sounds like you should post your discord so I can add you. My discord starts with the letters e. So when I add you you know it's me

>there isn't really any benefit in being around me
You have a vagina and a lot of men will want to fuck it. Chances are that guy is mainly thinking about your vagina and how nice it would be to put his pp in there. He wants you to open up because that way your legs might also open eventually.

And the question is, why be self-conscious around just another guy trying to get with a girl? If you hadn't contacted him he'd be doing it to a different girl. You aren't any worse than him. Stop worrying about what he thinks of you, chances are "begina...." is the only thing happening between his ears.

>>33907497
I'm pretty sure I caused my last relationship to dissolve because I was so shy and neurotic. I still felt like this after two years together and in the end he told me I'm not marriage material.
The guy I'm talking to now seems to have the same goals as me and is a really interesting and smart person. I'm so afraid I'm going to ruin everything again, I feel like he's going to realize how stupid I am and wonder why he's wasting his time on me. Even if sex is part of it he might get tired of me and leave. ;_;

Saying shit like how you're dumb and boring you are is not going to make people feel bad for you, it's just fucking annoying.

>>33907690
I don't know what else to do, I don't know what to say or how I am supposed to act. Would it be better to avoid people altogether?

>>33907724
1. Start out by accepting that he likes you and talking to you if he outright tells you that he does. If you cannot accept that, then stop here, there's no reason to continue and you're wasting both of your times with your insecurity.
2. Asking questions in a conversation is fine, most people like talking about themselves. Inevitably he will ask you a question and you will have a prompt to talk about something.
3. You are female and men feel the expectation to keep the conversation going and to entertain you. You could literally outright state that you've run out of things to talk about and he would feel pressured to find the next topic.
4. In my opinion, people in a relationship who constantly talk down about themselves are trying to manipulate the other person into giving them reassurance and positive affirmation. Instead of doing it in this shitty, manipulative way, try telling him something you like about him and odds are he'll respond with the type of reassurance you want. Try doing it this way until you can rid yourself of this selfish desire, because it can be really damaging for a relationship.
5. Surely there is something you are interested in and if there isn't, then get a hobby. People have overwhelmingly indicated that they like for their girlfriend or boyfriend to talk about their interests, even if they themselves aren't very interested in them.

>>33907918
Copy pasting this into my notes.
I also felt like I was wasting my last boyfriend's time and I kind of did, he would have been better off if he had never met me. I'm “trying” to accept that he might actually like me but it’s hard. I can’t seem to push these feelings away, they keep coming back up.
The thing is… It really feels like I’m asking the wrong questions. For instance, if you texted “On my way home now” and I replied with something like “Yay! How was your day!” would that be enough? I feel like I should speak more playfully but I don’t know how. Would you expect humour from that interaction?
>In my opinion, people in a relationship who constantly talk down about themselves are trying to manipulate the other person into giving them reassurance and positive affirmation.
This is a good point. I actually think he’s been doing this
>telling him something you like about him and odds are he'll respond with the type of reassurance you want.
to me. I’m honestly just not sure how to respond. I really want to be affectionate with him and I think about it all the time but when we’re together I feel like my mind is blank. And then I get nervous.
As for hobbies… I guess I have some, but I’m not really sure what there is to say about them. They aren’t really the kind of hobbies you talk about. I have interests but I feel so stupid trying to have conversations about them, I really really prefer just listening to someone talk and asking questions every now and then but most people don’t want to do that.
Thank you for your sincere response, anon.

>>33908352
It's okay to have silences. If it's on a voice call, count to 20 in your head when the silence begins. More often than not, they'll usually fill it with something.

It's also okay to just say how you feel sometimes. All of the stuff you said here for example, is okay to say. Worst thing you could get out of him is boredom. Anger, sadness, happiness, out of all the possible emotional reactions he could have to something you said, the worst will always be apathy.

So start by saying stuff like my mind is going blank if that's what it's doing. Most conversations are based around specific sets of ideas. A sentence will have specific things you can elicit and pathways you can follow. For example let's say I said "oh my dog is going to the vet today because he hasn't been feeling well".

This sentence has a bunch of things you can ask me a question about. Dog. Vet. Today. He. Feeling well.

You could ask about whether he likes dogs more than cats. Ask about whether the vet is close or further away. Ask about whether he's going in the afternoon or the morning today. Ask about whether it's harder having a boy dog than a girl dog. Ask why the dog's not feeling well.

Recognize those data points. Have a set of canned questions. Rudyard Kipling's got those 5 critical thinking questions. Who. What. Where. When. Why and How. Pick a data point, pick a critical question, follow that path for a bit. In between things, pepper in your own stories. You can find parallels in your own lived experience that might resonate with what the other person is saying anon. Going back to the dog sentence...

"Omg you must be so SAD. I remember being really sad when my [insert pet, sibling, parent, etc. here] was feeling bad". People grow closer to you when they feel like you resonate with them.

>>33908352
It's okay to have silences. If it's on a voice call, count to 20 in your head when the silence begins. More often than not, they'll usually fill it with something.

It's also okay to just say how you feel sometimes. All of the stuff you said here for example, is okay to say. Worst thing you could get out of him is boredom. Anger, sadness, happiness, out of all the possible emotional reactions he could have to something you said, the worst will always be apathy.

So start by saying stuff like my mind is going blank if that's what it's doing. Most conversations are based around specific sets of ideas. A sentence will have specific things you can elicit and pathways you can follow. For example let's say I said "oh my dog is going to the vet today because he hasn't been feeling well".

This sentence has a bunch of things you can ask me a question about. Dog. Vet. Today. He. Feeling well.

You could ask about whether he likes dogs more than cats. Ask about whether the vet is close or further away. Ask about whether he's going in the afternoon or the morning today. Ask about whether it's harder having a boy dog than a girl dog. Ask why the dog's not feeling well.

Recognize those data points. Have a set of canned questions. Rudyard Kipling's got those 5 critical thinking questions. Who. What. Where. When. Why and How. Pick a data point, pick a critical question, follow that path for a bit. In between things, pepper in your own stories. You can find parallels in your own lived experience that might resonate with what the other person is saying anon. Going back to the dog sentence...

"Omg you must be so SAD. I remember being really sad when my [insert pet, sibling, parent, etc. here] was feeling bad". People grow closer to you when they feel like you resonate with them.