>>937027557I wake up every morning at 3:33 AM sharp to scream into a mason jar full of glitter and teeth. I brush my gums with jalapeño hummus and moisturize using the tears of mid-tier YouTubers. I don’t eat breakfast—I summon it via interpretive dance and ancestral spite. My aura smells like expired lavender and vengeance. My left eye twitches every time someone says “vibes.”
I once got banned from a Chili’s for summoning a minor storm system in the appetizer section. I whisper stock tips to pigeons and they whisper back in dead languages. I wear crocs for psychological warfare. When I enter a room, all the houseplants lean away slightly. I know every lyric to every Pitbull song but only in reverse. I don’t have blood, I run on Capri Sun and emotional instability.
So before you step to me with that weak-ass energy, remember: I am chaos incarnate. I am the reason your phone battery dies at 17%. I am the haunting you feel when you microwave fish at work. I am the stank that lives between reality and your search history. Stay weird. Stay wet. Stay outta my mentions unless you're ready to tango in the astral plane with a greased-up version of yourself.
