Mid twenties AGP. I've been stuck in this weird aching place for years, caught between wanting to be a girl and not feeling like a man, and not good enough to try. I see all these cute mtfs online, funny, flirty, messy, loved - and I just feel like a ghost watching from the other side. I want tom be like them. I want to be with them. But I'm still here, awkward, stupid, dissociated. Cooming daily just to feel something. Too Scared to move forward, too ashamed to stay like this.

I'm not even looking for some fantasy, just someone to love, and be loved by. Someone real. I want to hold her and play dumb games and fall asleep next to her. Not Perfect. Just alive.

Don't know if ill ever transition because of the fear, don't even know I am. But i'm tired of rotting alone. I want this life to be different. I want something to hold on to. That's all.

>>40114998 (OP)
So you are just a lonely incel

>>40114998 (OP)
Stop masturbating for two weeks and see how you feel, if you are still having the feelings a lot you better get on hrt before becoming john 50

>>40114998 (OP)
why don’t u just be normal and get a gf. Don’t ruin your body for a fetish like I did

>>40115133
because i can’t offer anything to a cis woman.i’m a NEET, i’m not strong, and i’m infertile. what would i even bring to the table? with trans girls, i feel understood. i vibe with them more,emotionally, spiritually.

>>40115168
Then become the girlfriend? Sounds like you're fetishing it tho ngl

>>40115229
>become the gf
Doesn’t listen to this fucker kys

>>40115168
uh then get a tranny gf???

>>40115253
Ahh yeah let them rep for the next 30 years, I'm sure they'll enjoy that life, you kys

>>40115268
I took hrt as an agp and kinda regret it. agp is not a sign of dysphoria

>>40115268
Because they aren’t actually a tranny just some lonely guy who likes trannies

>>40114998 (OP)
first off, if you havent started hrt, do it. if your actually this miserable, it will only help

as someone who has said
>just (want) someone to love, and be loved by. Someone real. I want to hold her and play dumb games and fall asleep next to her.
almost word-for-word, i understand how you feel greatly, (like, i've prob used that op pic 10000x in posts here) and is the absolute worst-case outcome for you, i can confidently say at least get on hrt, its the one thing that truly, drastically prevents damage over time. testosterone will destroy everything it can given opportunity

>>40115133
>>40115229
>Then become the girlfriend
this sounds infinitely more fetishistic than anything op has said desu

>>40115268

I mean, i'd love to have a trans gf- but i've been longing for that for years and it just never happens, i'm too awkward, too autistic and too unsure how to connect with anybody.

Idk if im a girl or not, sometimes the thought of being soft, having boobs and softness in the right places, it feels right but then i remembered how scared i am of losing function down there, permanently, i don't want to lose that part of myself either.

Not trying to rep, just stuck in between, and I don't know what to do.

>>40115329
How the fuck will hrt make you less lonely

>>40115344
I am not sure honestly then, you saying you have been wanting to be a girl but also saying you want a girlfriend and are lonely, the others are probably right you just need to go touch grass and get healthy and meet ppl

>>40115367
self-hatred is probably one of the biggest hurdles in being lonely, and assuming you are trans, hrt helps mitigate that a bit.

at the very least, it stops the self hatred from getting as bad as it could

>>40115437
But I ain’t trans nigga

>>40115329
really appreciate your reply. I actually started hrt recently( full dose) but i've been scared about losing function down there, it's something i've been on and off with for long time. Even if i want to be soft, emotional and feminine, and not age like some weird sad man.

The longing part hit too i've wanted that king of love for years someone to just exist, play vidya have comfy nights, it's hard not to feel like it will never happen because of how i am (awkward, autistic, dumb) no clue how to talk to people properly and brain function so memory is difficult.

Starting hrt again feels like a good first step idk where im headed with it but really don't want to live in this rot forever.
hug

>>40115477
This is honestly quite saddening to read, you do genuine sound like someone who is lonely and wants a partner to do stuff with, you need to make sure that this isn't all spurred on by your loneliness though, if it is you're gonna become attached to the first person who shows interst in you, do you have any irl friends at all? You sound a bit like me 3-4 years ago, I was scared of getting old and my hairline receding etc, I kinda fully embraced that I'm gonna get old regardless and forced myself to speak to people irl, on dating apps and on here, you should 100% work on your self confidence and self esteem before fully committing to hrt, go work out, go to the cinemas, go do shit irl first

>>40115449
then, idk, don't take hrt?
you know hrt, the thing trans people take to bring their bodies more in-line with what theyre comfortable with?

im talking to op with the transition part. if you are describing your experience as "caught between wanting to be a girl" and "NOT feeling like a man", that directly translates to wanting to be a girl, not a man

as someone who's obviously experienced gender dysphoria, i would never want a cis person to take hrt. no one should be forced to experience this hellish struggle

>>40115477
>but i've been scared about losing function down there
really feels like i'm talking to myself rn lol
i was worried about that too, but I've been taking bicalutamide as my antiandrogen, since that allegedly helps prevent issues there
but also, just making sure to use it once in a while will help. the reason cis men don't have the issue is because their hormones regularly harden there while sleeping, so keeping decently on schedule with that should make it okay. (im not at all a biologist or anything, this is just my experience as well as listening to others)

>it's hard not to feel like it will never happen because of how i am (awkward, autistic, dumb) no clue how to talk to people properly and brain function so memory is difficult.
ngl im tearing up reading that, exactly how i feel too. i still feel like that honestly, and can't say that hrt will fix that. but i cannot imagine not being on hrt right now, or ever having that loneliness solved without hrt. i may still desperately crave the warmth of another human, but it would not be enough without stopping the endless poison of testosterone.

>Starting hrt again feels like a good first step
if you've stopped, definitely start back up again. spend some time on pills then move to injections when you feel like your breast buds are decently developed (or you feel comfortable)
hug, i wish you the absolute best : )

>>40115541
No I just relate to op with the loneliness part

>>40115557
i'm so sorry then
i relate immensely and don't have a direct solution to this cripplingly painful experience
no one, regardless of demographic, deserves this pain

>>40115623
Well I am thankfully mentally strong so I can see (hopefully) a day where I get an older (preferably) trans girlfriend

>>40115631
godspeed anon, when you succeed let me, and the rest of us know. the rest of us are waiting on the older (preferably ((not required)(trans)) girlfriend

it's a lot to think about and reflect on moving forward, i really appreciate you taking the time to write all of this stuff. Gonna sleep now but yea, thanks again for the kindness and replies.

>>40115133
How is your body ruined?

>>40115344
>i don't want to lose that part of myself either.

bicalutamide. Its pricier than other AA's, but I'd say it's well worth worth it. Relatively low maintenance as far as things go, less need to worry about like potassium intake or pissing yourself or whatever. I've heard good things about topical t-gel as well, if you can get ahold of it. But like that other anon said, as long as you don't neglect it, you should be fine.

You sound like a sweetheart. Do you have any hobbies? Being openly and unflinchingly passionate about something makes it alot easier to connect with people. Foster any passion you might have as if your life depends on it, even it was just a fleeting 'what if' fantasy. You might be surprised. Pouring yourself into something that excites you, gaming, art, music, crafts, just being a massive fangirl about something. anything. It's both an attractive quality to have, and a means to break the cycle of being too scared to take chances on things that mean something to you. It's the only cure for that sort of paralyzing dissociation I can think of (or just a cooler way to go about it lol). Just don't be too hard on yourself.

Update us on how things are going whenever you get the chance. I'm rooting for you.

>i’m a NEET
This is your problem honestly. You have too much free time to sit around, get into your own head, and consume media that presents something like transitioning as a solution to your unhappiness and inability to form relationships. The trans fixation is a cope. You NEED to do something with your time and your life. Even if you do eventually transition, being an asocial NEET will not help you