vent, confess things, write a letter to someone you wish you could, and get things off your chest. try to be kind to other anons

qott: what is the actual point of friendship and having people in your life?

>>40159907 (OP)
I'd like to feel what it's like to have a real group of friends again sometime in my life. Unfortunately, that doesn't happen when you're 26; everyone's in a hurry, everyone's already got their own life together. Thank goodness for the internet.

>>40160000
this makes sense but 26 is still really young as like the big picture goes. if you put yourself out there enough i’m sure you could have a nice group of irl frens. it’s just really scary to do that lol and yeah the internet is based in that way i think

i keep having nightmares of entering hell which is like an ongoing thing but they are getting not as scary anymore also i’m pretty sure hell is a godless place just like of nothingness and not the worst things i can think of regardless my fear of it is dwindling also it is an inevitably so im hoping to move on from everything soon bc its been made abundantly clear time and time again i cant do anything right and rare times i do they still fall through as if im not supposed to be here or participating in anything. good luck to those who have it bc i dont sometimes i hate you but ik its wrong that deep down i dont. i hope everything goes as well as possible for everyone

>>40160198
You got a chronic disease?

>>40160276
just mental illness lol it was ffs that fell through

>>40159907 (OP)
I came on /tttt/ years ago, desperate for any human connection, and now Idk what the point is for me to socialize. I first started using this board as a minor and it feels like I’ve made no progress as a human being, instead getting piped full of antidepressants, ruining all my interpersonal relationships from feeling absolutely nothing, and only recently getting my footing back and stopping my repression.
I’m so superficial as a person because my personality is only imitative and nothing original is left, cause I wanted to be liked by people I liked, the only things keeping me going are to evolve into who I want to become. I crave communication and connection and spending time with people but have nothing meaningful to share, nothing to make it worth anyone’s time.
I don’t know if I’m capable of love anymore, and yet I still can’t stop yearning for it and for people who left.
My online contacts are saturated and overflowing with people, and yet I couldn’t tell you anything about half of who I communicate with even if we’ve shared random talks for years, but I’m also afraid of ghosting people or never initiating conversations anymore, I feel like an asshole to have tried to spark something with so many people and universally failed. The only times I’ve manage to burn bridges with people who to be blunt would not notice I left is during depressive episodes/alcohol fueled self loathing. And people are chill about it too! Maybe they’re okay with just talking to a virtual stranger every month but it fills me with nothing but guilt
Now I’m just overwhelmed by a sea of almost anonymous faces and I feel even worse for saying this because I should be able to remember shit and I don’t, my brain feels incapable of even remembering a familiar faces name or anything important, even irl. I wanted friends and it feels like my mental state fundamentally cannot handle friendship, always finding a way to fuck it up even for the few people I actually know / loved.

>>40160371
hmm do u think it’s like over saturated? i get like that when i listen to too much music/ watch too many movies. they all just blend together and i overlook things that would be really impactful if i took my time and were present with them properly. i’m sure you are capable of love it sounds like you care a lot. sometimes things just get blurry.

J I don't blame you for anything that happened during our time together, we brought ourselves down and made both if our lives worse by living together at your place, your bpd and depression were out of control and I tried my hardest to help you get out of the rut you were in but you didn't want to progress, I'm sorry I left but it was needed for both of us to improve, I hope youve managed to move on and sort your life out

i really don’t want to do therapy today.

emotional dysregulation is terrible i wish i was fully numb again

I really shouldn't have posted that confession last night lol

>>40160589
the mean one?

i relapsed on [drug] six months ago and havent told anyone and it feels so fucking alienating.

>>40160609
i’m sorry fren you aren’t alone i’ve been basically clean for 6 years since i started hormones but all i can think about is getting black out and wandering the streets. i’m so tired of the emotional turmoil of barely holding it together.

>>40160467
Thanks anon
Maybe I’m just not yet mentally prepared enough to tackle social problems, only been on a journey of self improvement for a short while relative to the years of brain fog

>>40160765
hmmm this makes sense too probably best too not my disrupt yr life too much while working on other things. gl and hope things go good for u

i saw your mom was born one day before my birthday and you have the same zodiac as my mom if u made that post about liking the young enby mocking i got harassed at work idk u are just actually mean idk i deserve it like saying word salad in tears to no one

>>40159907 (OP)
Qott: Friends and etc are so you can connect with people. You have to connect with others, or you start feeling alienated and unable to understand why people do things around you, and if you never connect you might start to feel there's no point trying since everyone does senseless things you could "never" understand. A basic understanding of psychology and a lore dump from them can humanize anyone.

Let's continue not fighting, kay? I'd love to just pool knowledge on makeup and fashion and hair and stuff, let's just keep the boat steady, you and me.

>>40161077
hmm this makes a lot of sense. what about friendship on an individual level?

>>40160000
I'm 10 years older than you and making irl friends again this year. I met them at queer events. But tbf, it kind of helps that we're all trannies who need to make friends bc we lost our pretransition ones xd. Also, I live in a big city. So ymmv.
But yeah, it does feel really good to be able to hang out with people irl again.

>>40160595
the cringe one

I'm not sorry for betraying your trust you fucking whore. Maybe don't manipulate and gaslight someone until they hate you next time.

>>40161269
the enby one?

>>40161282
what happened to u anon?

i miss when idealized and liked me and could see more than my imperfections but the last two weeks it’s all i’ve been

>>40161285

>>40161126
Having people you like is nice! More so, having people you feel like you can talk to about things is important since different view points are important or even just feeling like you can vent to someone and they can cheer you up. Having people you actually care about and actually care about you makes one feel seen and heard and stuff, more than anything (imo) people just want to be understood and having friends that can understand different parts of you(not everyone will be able to deal with All That You Are so splitting what you want out of friendship between different people is better I think?) or any part at all is good for not feeling entirely alone or isolated. You can have friends but if they don't deconstruct your facade to see (You) then they're just a fairweather friend. And there's nothing wrong with having friends you just play games with or anything but don't try to force that into something more emotionally engaging.

I used to date a tranny and I consider myself 99% straight but I think I loved her more than I ever could any "real woman" and I regret how the relationship ended. It remains the worst series of events in my life and possibly the most traumatic thing I've ever experienced.

>>40161864
this is a really good way to think about it i think i pushed everyone else away and was putting it all on one friend and things kinda snapped. partly may have been fair weather stuff/burn out from them idealizing me idk actually, but i was doing sad stuffs too much ik ty for typing this.

>>40161499
yeh never reveal yrself a hon especially if you are just a bit clocky even to what u think are close friends when in the lowest of lows

>>40159907 (OP)
I’ve stopped seeing the point in putting effort into anything. Seven months ago I had my life mostly together but since this year started I’ve fallen into total financial, medical and emotional instability. I’ve done my best to stay optimistic but every time I push to make positive change something else gets ripped out from under me. I know everyone around me sees how broken down I am, it feels like I drag the weight of death everywhere with me. They all urge me to stay safe and stay alive but when I reflect on their words it all sounds so selfish (they don’t want to be responsible for selling my stuff, they’d lose a duo, they’d hurt themself…) At this point living is causing almost equal amounts of pain for myself and others as just dying. I want to keep fighting and make everyone proud but I’m so tired.

>>40162385
don’t lose the fight nona. maybe try to focus on how you like the things you do for yourself opposed to just making others proud. life is so hard navigating it feels impossible. ik what you mean about literally everything falling apart. it’s a hard struggle and the fact u do anything at all makes me proud nona bc life is so tuff. good luck fren

>>40162275
It's okay Nonny, it took me way too long to "figure out" this stuff, it's only after a lot of hurt and mistakes did I start to realize how I was hurting those around me. Be hopeful with what you now know, and please try your best to grow!

>>40159907 (OP)
Holy fucking shit it's been a month since I was able to girlmode just in private and I'm going insane, i don't even look bad, and that makes it worse because I know there's a chance for me.
And I want to love and be loved but I'm not out so I'm stuck and I can't trust people.
And things are going right for me in all ways but my transition, my skin is fucked from shaving too much, i keep procrastinating on laser because I'm always overwhelmed with other tasks
God I have so much to do and transition keeps falling to the side because it all feels so difficult I need more hours in the day, i need to be in work less. My head is screaming.

>>40163267
ty ty i did therapy today and the goal is to get medicated then go to truama specialist so hopefully that’ll make things easier. i do think recently starting therapy has really made me emotionally dysregulated recently so i’ve been like extra crazy. am hopeful i hope it starts getting easier soon

i have a crush on my dentist. he's extremely cute and he's always nice to me despite my autism. he seems to remember me when i come in. i know he's just being polite so i feel evil for sexualizing the treatment he provides and enjoying the feeling of his hands on me.

>>40163887
nuh literally me. it’s so cringe i used to like my ortho putting his hands in my mouth its actually so embarrassing but he was like a big chad n taller than me and built and was like always making sure i was comfy and stuff while being sweet and charming. i also just really love people putting their hands in my mouth it’s degen. he would also always comment on how my mouth is small.. he also looked like that bald porn dude ppl used to post pics of and i was like young and couldn’t stop from imagining him being into trannys and like actually getting dicked blugh

>>40163311
how old are you and how many years transing?

>>40159907 (OP)
when i get depressed, like i am today, i'll have nonstop intrusive thoughts about being violently raped all day long, and then thinking about it just makes me more upset, and then that makes me do it more. i don't know how to stop it.

i've never told anyone this in my entire life

>>40160000
I am 27 and have been trying to make irl friends with limited success for the last 2 years. I feel like I just don't relate to anyone, even people who I hang out with sometimes still feel like different species from me a little bit. I feel like I will never have a friend group who I effortlessly integrate with

I think im in love with two of my best friends. I feel like sometimes they're flirting with me but I know Im just reading to close into it. I feel like theres some barrier between me and them and really knowing them but I dont think anything can be done about it. I just wanna be one of their favorite people the way they are mine

Wish you could see how much I'm thriving you bpd faggot. All the best regardless.

>>40165232
how are u thriving?

>>40159907 (OP)
I wish my chance to experience intimacy for the first time didn't rely on having to pursue multiple doors at the same time. I don't like hurting people, but I don't want to wait any longer for a promise that might never be real.

>>40164679
what a fag

didn't read

>>40165186
ik sometimes i think i get it like idealized how it’s supposed to be in my head, idk how it it should work but ik what you are feeling nona. i’m sorry

>>40165225
i sort of know this feeling it’s scary. don’t do anything to crazy keep your friends it’s awesome you like them both so much.

>>40159907 (OP)
block you? huh? no, youre gonna watch me win bitch

>>40165297
literally am a fag

>>40165322
i’m genuinely glad good luck

>>40165322
does this mean u are unblocking me to watch u win :3

I’m assuming this is the same person from the other thread, please get help lol but seriously

>>40165232
do you want to choke them like that?

V
its been like, 11 months
i mostly moved on, i made new friends, even irl even tho i havent had any in years
i sometimes still think about you and miss you though. wish we could talk again
i was watching terry davis talking about his mental issues the other day and even tho its not the same, it just made me think of you. hope youre still out there
R

>>40159907 (OP)
i don't think i ever learned how to have friendships and im currently super socially isolated. i don't really have any friends anymore bc i burned so many bridges and im in this hole i don't know how to get out of. i want to have friends but i don't know how and im unsure how to learn. when things go bad w ppl i just kinda do the same thing i did as a kid when my mom would start getting violent, i just hide and avoid whenever there's a conflict but idk how to sort things out even when i rly want to. i feel like im gonna be lonely forever

i killed a brown recluse spider the other day. i know they're dangerous but i still feel really bad about it. it was just a little spider, it didn't want to hurt me

im gonna fall down a pit but who cares. its gonna be interesting either way.

it makes me so upset that i give you endless patience and grace when it comes to your problems, i always try my absolute hardest to be gentle and attentive, but then whenever i try very gingerly to broach something of mine, when it’s *my* problem all you can muster is the “you’re crazy” treatment and condescension and accusing me of being insecure (i already know that i’m insecure) and weak and it’s “Why can’t you be strong for once.” i’m ALWAYS strong for you. why do you resent this so much? why do you resent having to carry even a little bit of my load when i carry so so much of yours? and you know as much as you needle me about how fragile i am you sure don't act like it, you sure don’t ever ever ever EVER treat me delicately when i come to you like this, all you can EVER do is kick me while i’m already down in front of you and you roll your eyes at me when i tell you you’re hurting me. i want to feel safe with you and i want to trust you but you can be so reactive and impulsive and you act without thinking and it’s on me to forgive you when you say something really hurtful. and it’s not like i’m just out of my mind and imagining things, and i resent you for lying to me, for just by reflex rejecting even the notion that you could ever be wrong or hurt me.

>>40166695
dude get a fucking life

>>40166578
u love mocking me and i like being mocked by u
>>40166604
pits are scary nona
>>40166695
if this is u im sorry for not being more careful about the blocking stuff. i believe you are strong, and am willing to always be there for u if let me

>>40166695
and ty for being there about my often problems
>>40166972
fuck u be nice to that nona and if that is you thinking that is me ily

i hope i have the strength to not see the world anymore and face potential horrors that are after

okay genuinely i usually don’t get worked up like this how do you stop freaking out?

>>40167762
kys

okay i am thankful for these threads bc they have reminded me how cringe it is to vague post in public like jesus christ.

I am still crazy in love with you. Please don't take me ghosting you personally, I left the discord servers we shared just to try to forget about you, but it's failing. The way you were so in tune with american pop culture despite being Korean, the way you flirt, how naturally feminine you were, and how you made fun of me, I miss your sass. Maybe one day I'll passionately fill you up with multiple loads after you dance in leggings for me. But now i must bury this obsession before it consumes both as I am BPD and you're bipolar and it's not good.

>>40168311
there’s this anon who thinks it’s vague to cringe post who i’m in love with and uses the lords name in vain and i want to lick my hands and then put them on this anon

>>40168408
^O^

>>40168422
: o don’t be happy with me i’m crazy and mean

you and me won't die together and that's not okay but i'll say it's okay and we can cut together when the time comes and your box cutter will penetrate this flesh of mine . penetrate this flesh of mine break through it and let the blood flow and let the light in, searing and horrible and whatnot. i just need to let it happen because frankly i'm a pussy . i'm still heartbroken. you are too, i think. but you can do what i cannot and i can do what you cannot and we cannot ever be together again, either of us. both of us . us isn't even viable, but it still exists . in minds . i hurt myself by accident and love it but i can't bring myself to scar like you do . i won't kill myself i won't vuy myself , letting it happen is so hard but hey it's something at least , And plausible deniability of course

>>40168427
my favorite. you are

If I believed you really wanted me I could top you forever, but I don't so I can't.

>>40168461
this one isn’t me but i hope u are okay nona pls don’t yrself or hope others do. is this the anon with the cat i wouldn’t dox? u aren’t a pussy and u are strong not wanting to cut yourself is the correct response. do u wanna talk about what happened?

>>40168461
so normally, one would put a space after punctuation but not before. just a tip for next time.

>>40168473
lol is that a yoda impression. if it is do not call me yr favorite rn while not talking to me or like after u cut me off and i burnt the bridge three times over i will sink back in to be crazy again. i just stretched n stuff and am trying to chill out for like the first time in 72 hours

I drove back to my home today. My childhood home. I haven't been back there since my siblings and I wrapped things up after my mom killed herself. I wanted to hang onto the house, but they didn't because of the amount of abuse that went down in there--plus none of us could afford it.

It's been kind of a void since I left. I live in the same city, but couldn't ever get closer to it than a few blocks away. I lived there on and off til my mid twenties, but now it's like it disappeared off the map. I always skirted around the edges of it. Too many dreams about my mom's eyes burning out and ears burning off inside the hallway or the kitchen.

I drove by it, and by my grandparents' house a block away. I felt nothing, just kind of a great pressure in my throat and a lot of familiarity and confusion. It's weird not being able to go in. It's weird driving, too. and being older. I kept thinking I was in high school. Then I went back to my new life.

>>40168615
how can i prove it?

>>40168631
i lurk mostly so not likely . logically i'm strong and i have stuff to look forward to but it gets fucking. dark
>>40168634
i smiled :)

>>40168615
are u actually a top?

>>40159907 (OP)
I will always be a transphobe who is ashamed for liking trannies
I will never change

>>40168656
it is not. and also you aren't who i thought and so my favorite you are not. apologies and goodnight and maybe block this website from your browser i can kinda see why they blocked you

>>40168707
I'm a broken top.

>>40168698
awe i'm glad :)

>>40168717
eeee ik night good n good luck

>>40168722
how does that work? like you wanna be the one fucking but don't have enough self-confidence to take charge?

>>40168722
what did yr initial post mean?

>>40168735
>>40168738
Making women cum by fucking them is my favorite thing in the world but I have extremely low confidence after experiencing a lot of betrayal and bullying

>>40168615
this is for real so cruel idk please god give me the strength to not think about the person this might be n i did want u i rly rly did and if this is not u embarrassing but it everything was over any way please god let me at this thread again

>>40168668
and im really sorry this sounds terrible i wish i had more to say other than im terribly sorry i lost my mom too. it was when i was young and it major ramifications too. im very sorry u saw what u saw and i hope it gets better for u sry im freaking out

>>40168820
who is yr original post about?

>>40168712
Fuck

>>40168668
in rly sorry anon this is terrible. is new life good for you?

>>40159907 (OP)
I push everyone in my life away, then proceed to cry about being isolated and alone. There's something wrong with my brain.

It's even worse when people tease/insult me. I'll bully them into tears, and feel like shit after. It makes me feel like a monster, and I have a habit of it. I've been this way since forever, I'm just a fucking asshole for no reason sometimes.

Maybe that's also why I'm repping. I'm scared if anyone sees the feminine side of me, they'll see a weak pathetic loser.

I'm broken.

>>40168860
You wouldn't know them

>>40168925
okay i was like that’s the cruelest post ever

>>40168820
a weak victim like you should give up ass and moan like a cute girl instead

my freak out thread got weird in way i don’t like idk bye last post i hopefully make about u i love you and if ever wanna message me in the future u can and if not that’s okay idk i should hopefully be getting emotional dysregulation is fucked up byee

>>40169250
getting better*

>>40159907 (OP)
i have ASD and i am a sort of AGP. i had suicidal thoughs for some weeks now and i started to consume ectasy in order to relate to people. the other day some rich college guys invited me over their roof to party and even if they reasured me that everything was okay and i wasnt a bother i didnt feel like i belonged there. they danced in shapes like they knew their own body, like that they recognize themselves and i desired to relate to people in the same way these college students danced if that make any sense. i dont have any friends. my only friend is not much of a friend but someone who likes to vent to me and thats better than nothing, i never went to college, never had sex (with a female) and my life havent change in the last 4-5 years. i am unable to recognize anyone though i can mimic people behaviour well. after feeling dread for so long and without the ability to socialize or go out in groups i feel like there is not much left for me. i dont know if i will kill myself but i wouldnt mind dying. i have more problems but what is ripping me apart is this dense feeling of loneliness

>>40169263
>I have ASD
Shocker

My biggest regrets in life are times where I said or did horrible things. I haven't behaved like this for many years and I doubt anyone in my life would even think I was capable of such things because my moral compass and ability to empathize are skills I've worked very hard on developing. I'm not the kind of person I was when I did these things anymore. But I can't ever take them back. And it sucks. I know these things aren't nearly as bad as some things other people have done, but it doesn't matter. What I just can't forget is how cruel or selfish I was when I did those things. I know I behaved that way because I was lost and blinded by agony I was drowning in. But, while I have compassion for the hurt person I was then, I still know I was responsible for my actions. I can't do anything but just continue to try to be a better person and never do things like that again. But I wish I could just do something to make it up to them.

>>40159907 (OP)
qott: people need connection. i told myself i didnt forever and now im well aware im a fucking idiot and i wasted years of my life rotting in my apartment with a partner i wouldnt even be honest with. im closer to 30 than 20 now and i have one friend online, my partner irl, and nobody else and i dont think i have the social skills to fix my total lack of social interaction. i love my gf immensely but i dont think she realizes how permanently fucked i am and how little chance of a future there is, and i wish i could go back and try to be a normal person who connects with others. everyone needs friends, loneliness is the worst feeling in the world and i doubt anyone truly enjoys it. loneliness when you're with someone and just faking being a whole different person for them feels even worse desu

>>40168887
>is new life good for you?
well, I do live on this planet lol. but: my life is so much better than when I was younger. my mom suiciding feels like someone blasted a limb off, but it is now healed over for the most part.

I'm an adult, I'm making my own family, I plan on sticking it out to the end at this point.

I hope you're doing okay, too, anon.

>>40165012
23, idk I first took HRT just after I turned 22 but I was a fucking stupid repper for nearly a year. I knew when I was 13, when I realised I wasn't being treated as separate to boys anymore but I was too much of a coward to speak up.
Idk why I thought I had a chance actually, maybe I thought there was a time machine somewhere.
Living knowing I could have been a youngshit is too much pain

>>40170841
iktf i’m sorry fren i started late too because my dad was abusive and i was too scared he’d like kill me. when he did find out he basically threatened to shoot if i ever came home again. there are a lot of passers that start around your time and especially once you get surgeries and such. unfortunately a year really isn’t that long in terms of transition so there are plenty of changes you are yet to get to. i know it’s hard to be patient, but in a lot of ways it does get a lot better. do you live in accepting area?

>>40159907 (OP)
i like to watch people poop

>>40169995
this sounds a lot like me until i lost my one fren. you can still get out and connect with people. idk how to fix the being a whole person thing which i feel often. maybe it’s like idealizing what being a person and there is no proper way to be a person. loneliness is the worst though i’m very sorry nona

>>40170032
i lost my mom young too and it’s very hard i’m sorry again fren. that’s awesome about starting a family. i think that was the dream for me but i know ill never be mentally well enough. ty for wishing me well. i am feeling better im the cringe anon whose been having a breakdown but i think its kinda ending. i got useful techniques from other anons :) do u have any advice on living normally? you seem very strong

>>40159907 (OP)
I wish I wasn't autistic. I want friends and love so badly but it feels impossible. I don't know what to say and I worry I will come across as a creep... I'm tired of being lonely, I've been lonely my entire life and now its worse as a tranner

idk i lied my body won’t stop freaking out and i can’t stop obsessive thoughts. i just want to hear from the person but ive burnt the bridge multiple times over and am embarrassingly crazy. everything always feels like the last straw but this one does more than ever and idk why realistically it’s just as someone ik online for a bit. i’m just such a retard for ruining it like i do everything it’s genuinely such a hopeless world and hopeless circumstances. nothing will ever work out. normally people can leave and im fine why does this trigger me so much. i’m such a nasty human. i have a partner too and i intend staying with them. i’m in love with two ppl and im heinous and unfixavle. i can’t do anything in the world either i need desperately to kms but im too scared of hell there is genuinely nothing to look forward to and everything is at a loss when i interact with it because i wasn’t made to be fit in this world and ik i burden everyone and everything and i was never wanted or had any hope. i want to be hurt and it’s my fault everything and i wish i could take accountability and fix anything but im not meant for life. i just want my dad to not hurt and my siblings but they now im nasty and embarrassing. it’s such a heinous existence i don’t wanna know and

>>40172264
just log off. posting here is going to get you the opposite of what you want

>>40172286
any tips for doing this please sorry i promise im trying

i didn’t remove u again idk why u blocked me

>>40172340
set a parental control or something. just add frisction so it's not so easy to get here and you can catch yourself when you notice yourself coming here automatically. you may be beyond help however. in which case maybe you should post gore and get your ip banned by the mods.

>>40173113
i’ll look into parental controls ty sorry

>>40171541
bumpin

>i lost my mom young too and it’s very hard i’m sorry again fren.
I'm so sorry, anon. It's very difficult. I did a lot of grief counseling.

>i think that was the dream for me but i know ill never be mentally well enough.
You really never know, anon. I was certain I'd die before I hit 23. I thought I would never stop being suicidal either.

>i am feeling better im the cringe anon whose been having a breakdown but i think its kinda ending.
It's not cringe; you're just having a hard time.

>i got useful techniques from other anons :) do u have any advice on living normally? you seem very strong
pfft, I don't know about normal. I just kept going. Sometimes against my will, sometimes out of spite, or a desire to punish myself, or hope, or fear. I kept trying to make my life better in small ways and trying to get to a safer place. Escaping abuse, changing medications, trying to move somewhere else or just stay housed.

Not everything in therapy was helpful for me, but I found that daily meditation, which I started because of DBT, really did keep me more mentally stable. I don't recommend meditation to everyone--for some people it's harmful--but if you want to try, check out a DBT workbook from the library and do some of the exercises, every day, on purpose. It helped me stay afloat in emotional crises and wait them out. Joining an online sangha helped me a lot too. practicing with people every day or every week.

Also practicing "right speech" in Buddhism. Not speaking to people harshly. thinking about what I said before I say it. It was easier for me to do that with others, but eventually I realized that the way I spoke to myself was incredibly cruel.

I didn't shame or criticize myself when I noticed it, but I did note that it was mean, that what I was saying was not true and how crazy it would be if I said it to someone else. I tried to laugh about how extreme and OTT it was. Then think, what IS true? What I said wasn't "stupid," I just wasn't sure about it. That clerk doesn't "hate me," I don't actually know what they think. I just feel sad and ashamed. That's ok."

After a while of noticing self-cruelty and correcting myself like this, over and over, that inner voice got softer and softer and more and more reasonable. Life got easier.

if you're around someone who is hurting you, physically or emotionally, try to get out. even if you have to plan for years to do so. It's hard to get better if you're being abused.

You can do it anon. I really really believe in you. You have no idea what your life might be like in ten or twenty years. It could be better than you think.

>>40174712
thank you for the kindness fren but let the thread die i think and it’s incredibly cringe. i’m doing therapy really late im 28 and working through a lot of stuff rn. my mom died when i was 8 and i was left alone with my dad who was a very abusive alcoholic. i uhhhh haven’t talked to him since like 6 years when he found out i was on hrt and told me he’d kill me if i ever came home again. things were going good for a bit and then i was going to have ffs with my job(the one that infamously changed ffs coverage) and it just happened to be scheduled one week before they changed how coverage works. when i was about to be put under on the surgery bed (i posted a pic at the start of thread) i tested positive for covid and the surgery had to be pushed two weeks out and i couldn’t have it. it’s been a series of bad luck since and self destructive behavior. also since im still being cringe one i dont rly talk about much bc its embarrassing is my uncle raped me when my mom was in the hospital when i was a kid and my cousin like 7 years ago before i was publicly known as a tranner to my family brought up how he was raped when he was little by him too and my uncle killed himself and my family hates my cousin now. i don’t tell anyone because i am hated for being a gross tranner anyway but they hate me more if they knew how filthy i was. its embarrassing im embarrassing and i want be close with people and i cant. i think i was put under and died and am in hell maybe. or like a coma hopefully that i will out of existence in and will just like faded to darkness at a random moment

>>40174870
>>40174899
i screenshotted both of these thank you very much for typing all of that and being so kind sorry i just trauma dumped

>>40174870
how do you let things go?

>>40174899
and idk i’ll be 38 or 48 eeeee

i’m sorry when u blocked me i deleted a bunch of messages i felt really embarrassed and like i failed you. just wanted to hide myself in sorry im so crazy

can any do me a favor and post spiders here i’ll be way too scared to check it if they do… i should have thought of this earlier probably the prospect of seeing one will keep me from looking again ty and bye im sorry again and wish everyone luck and the person i made hate me luck too

you are the stupidest mumbling junkie ive ever met and you had to go and ruin every chance that i gave you just because i liked you doesnt mean you can do whatever you want to me in fact you didnt even let me be able to trust you again i wanted to be friends and you convinced me for so long that i was the one being weird and then you go and ruin my life i hate you you stupid bitch i you just expected me to let you thats the worst part you blame me for everything and throw 2 years of friendship down the fucking drain because deep down you know you never even fucking cared about it in the first place i hate you i hate you ill hurt you like you hurt me and i know youll do it again to someone else and now i have to be in the wasnt raped but was in a creepy situation with someone he trusted limbo oh great oh thank you for not raping me thats so nice of you bare fucking minimum and you barely met it and it was because i grabbed your arms and then you go and stare at the cieling like youre a seinen protag who regrets what he does when you really dont i hate you i just wanted a friend i just wanted a friend i just wanted a friend i just wanted a friend i just wanted a friend

I hope you're not happy.
I hope every time you go to a restaurant the server forgets your drink and you have to either suffer in silence or force yourself through that minor present awkwardness to get merely what you paid for.
I hope every time you go to the store there's a long line and people are coughing.
I hope every time you start to feel good about yourself someone misgenders you.

bump

>>40179831
i hope you have good life and i’m sorry for being how i am ty for the sweet times i did really feel in love with you im sorry

if you post a nudity here does it get you banned on just this board or all of them?

i need to sleep and can’t stop crying

My lip hurts, my cheekbone is swollen, the back of my head stings, my collarbone and sheens are bruised, but I can ignore her all day without being pulled around to fake a hug or kisses, and that makes it all worth it.
Thanks for being such a terrible person, seriously, I'm basically impervious to all kinds of psychological damage now

>>40180516
i hate myself im rly rly sorry

>>40180560
What no you did nothing, but uh, nice butt tho, also cute waist, kinda jelly desu

>>40180568
ty ig sorry sorry i thought u were the person mad at me and i need too sleep so im hopk g it helps me stop checking i tried to delete it a bunch im spiraling rly hard for like 3 or so days and i hate myself

>>40180589
I'd never be mad at girls here, you are too precious, all of you

>>40180683
nar and wrong i literally deserve all of this. not precious and need to stop being able to check here

>>40180734
Sorry to keep you here, have a good night, hope you can stay away from here and get better

I was friends with a pretty famous tranner who used me as her emotional dumping ground, gaslit me and drove me further and further into insanity with her emotional games and manipulations. I don't know if I'll ever recover and feel sick that no matter what people will take her side. I never want to try to have a friend again. If you're reading this T, I hope I never see you again.

>>40180560
I forgive you T

i want to kill myself because I'm pretty sure i have DID. not to say that people with it cannot be loved, im just worried about fucking something up and not realizing it. im never truly all there mentally and that's fucking terrifying. im constantly disassociated and disconnected to the point where i wonder what part of me you fell in love with, and i hope you like the other parts of me too. i try and keep things more restrained when I talk to you - please don't see this as me hiding things from you, im just scared. you don't know the full story unfortunately, but i definitely have more than just me in this stupid head. i guess we'll find out soon enough, but please. if it becomes an issue .. tell me. id do anything to save this relationship, I'd even go to therapy again, which is something i really hate. but there's me looking into the future again. in reality everything is very good in our relationship right now. i just don't want my retarded brain getting in the way of loving you.

-b

Bump
cuz i like to read these

>>40162291
this... o.0

>>40168912
very cute.

I'm so sick of how difficult and antifun and inconsiderate and impulseless you are. I wish I could have fixed you but I was too broken to make it work over the years, and at long last I no longer think there's any chance of you or I ever getting better until we separately kickstart ourselves far away from each other.
I gave my entire (albeit deeply flawed) self to you for nothing, even continuing to try long after we broke up, and now I'd like to just be alone without having to deal with your friction or that of some random low-quality roommate who'd take your place. Please live with your new gf while still paying rent here, which is increasingly the state of affairs already, until I get a gf who can take over your half of the lease.

>>40183055
Also, your breath smells like literal actual shit. I don't know how your penguin-of-doom-tier gf puts up with it or where you ever got off complaining about MY breath in the morning but more power to you both I guess. Lol.

>>40182153
what my crash out?

>>40181298
t?

>>40181423
stop roleplaying a mental disorder

I’m sorry I pushed you away
I’m evil
I’m sorry I hurt you
You loved me and I rejected you I’m so sorry
You were a real friend abd I did t choose you
I’m sorry I was t there when you needed me most
I hope you live a life you can
I’ll detrans now and we won’t meet again
Bye

>>40184994
Its ok

sisters in starding to think i should be committed

have you been seeing these?

>>40183526
no, just long explanations to trains of thought processes. Helps me explain different kinds of behaviors to myself.
In case you cant tell, i do a lot of asking, "why did you do that"?

>recovering bpdemon (ftm)
>start to become better friends with an acquaintance (straight ftm) who knows my habits and history
>end up really good friends over time, play games all the time, talk to each other about life problems and no judgement
>mentions having once thought of dating me but not seriously
>immediately fall in obsessive love and immediately relapse into all old habits of being terrified of his disapproval
>it's probably really obvious
fuck my stupid fucking bpdpoon life

>inb4 fembrained

>>40184994
You don't need my forgiveness, but if you want it, if it'll make you feel better... it's yours.
It wasn't your job to love me. You didn't do anything wrong by rejecting me.
I was the one who was wrong for pushing my feelings on you.
You were the first person I ever felt like that about and I was so dumb about it.
I'm sorry too.
I miss you. I love you. I hope you're doing well.

>>40159907 (OP)
I'm in so much pain but refuse to show it lmao

No use in crying over emotions or trauma, it doesn't accomplish anything. I'm stronger than that.

okay pls tell me if you will ever add me back?

>>40188366
if you unblock me i will give you half of my paycheck

>>40188507
nd pay u something monthly to be my friend i do not have much to give you but i do not want life knowing your absence sorry i was so selfish

>>40159907 (OP)
i feel like shit rn and i cant slee properly. thats all i have to say. also idk cause i never had friends lolmao

My bf is friends with a 45yo trans woman with BPD and I can tell whenever they interact that she is very very much smitten with him. I want to tell my bf this but I have no solution to the issue other than "stop seeing her" because if her attraction goes unrequited for too long she's liable to take it out on him or herself

date me date me date me date me please god date me you're literally a gift from the universe itself

>>40188688
bro

>>40188636
i pray you get sleep buddyfrem

>>40188836
I pray you stop typing like that

>>40188842
i pray you are really small and live in someone’s house and have a little cozy home of collected small items and sleep in a matchbox with comfy little pieces of cloth u have scavenged over the years

>>40188882
I pray to god I meet you in person and kiss you on your big sexy lips no gay shit

>>40188921
:(

>>40188945
Whats wrong lil nigga you want a hug or sum?

>>40188782
sorry i just

>>40188988
Not a good look

When a top loves a bottom~

>>40189055
i know :(

>>40189085
i need to be topped by a loved one am basically too old now i hate myself

I love you, my dear. I love your kindness and optimism. I love the way you philosophize over little things and find romanticism in whatever you look at. I love your intense passion for the things that make me who I am. I love your deep patience and understanding - how you treat me as a person in a way no one else ever has. I love the sound of your voice and wish I could listen to you every single day. I could lose myself in your eyes, in your goofy smile, in your warm embrace. You've made me so much happier and so much better and slowly I'm beginning to learn to love the person I'm becoming by being around you.
You said I'm yours and my heart skipped a beat. That I'm your favorite and you're my favorite, and maybe it was true. But I know the reality of things... I could never hold you in my arms, twirl my fingers through your hair, gently kiss your worries and anxieties away. Not only because your heart is truly with someone else, but because we are probably actually incompatible. Not to mention the bond and duty I owe to my sisters which will bind me away from you.
I truly want the best for you and wish you well. But, damn, does reality like to sting at my heart some days. Just once I'd like to look into your eyes and say the words and resonate in my soul.
I love you. So. So much. So much it feels like my soul will burst.

>want to be punished for showing emotion and vulnerability
>Want to be praised and held and encouraged to be soft

Why is my brain like this. Well except i know why it's childhood emotional repression because expressing need or feeling made me a burden and was used against me

And I'm too fucked up to function but not enough to have an excuse for it so i force myself to drag on.
Like oh got sexually assaulted but it wasnt penetration so it doesnt count, got forced to lie on a table while a doctor groped at me but doesn't count cause it wasn't illegal.

I hate that I should be a popular guy with a lot of friends and a happy lifestyle but instead I spend my time browsing this shit fuck board and pretend my life is interesting, why did you give me good genetics and then curse me with the inability to speak and converse with people in a normal way, I just wanna have friends and do normal shit like I did when I was young, I don't want to grow old and be alone with no friends, I feel awful for my girlfriend as she's in a similar position but I push for her to try make friends and don't do the same myself, if I didn't have her I'd probably have necked myself by now, I feel like I take her for granted when I look at the situations on here

https://youtu.be/a6dUIbfDlzE?si=DrClVlo4drW0IaR1

i can’t stop crying

>>40189962
<3

I love men too much for my own good. I’ll probably kms over the lack of attention I get from them

>>40190027
it’s not worth asking anymore but i wish u were her

>>40190325
What kind of person was she?
>>40189229
Oh my, what a heartfelt love letter. I hope she gets to hear those words one day

>>40190325
nop it's beatles anon but i think what you wrote was beautiful. if u wanna talk i decided i'd be willing. i'm pretty lonely lately too

>>40190418
ty ty and yeah we can talk if u want. i am rly crazy though as the threads show.

>>40190399
an intensely kindred spirit. we had a lot of similar life experiences. she is also the most talented person i’ve ever met honestly her music and art were beyond what i thought i would ever have someone share directly to me. she was very gentle but like firm and storng in the ways i needed i think. also like patient and understanding with all i have going on. as well me being rly dumb about stuff. she was funny and smart and when we’d talk on the phone she’d always get ahead of herself rambling then apologize but i would love it and would love for her to just continue but she is too thoughtful. it’s extremely cute. thinking about her voice makes my chest feel like teapot starting to boil too much. lol it’s cringe. it also helps a lot she is amongst the most beautiful people i have ever seen idk i can’t do her justice nona

>>40190701
Im >>40189229
And your thoughts sounds like a similar person. The kind of lady that is just vibrant and thoughtful and is almost as much a loving artform as she is an artist. Sound about right?

>>40190880
yeah that sounds right lol. your like letter like a sweeter less messy version of mine. i did ruin our friendship through complicated circumstances and like pushing her away in low moments. to be clear also

>>40190418
beatles anon u kinda talk like her sussing me out hmmm im jus being schizo tho i think. also yr fav beatles answer was different

>>40191845
im not her but add me
whatapleasantsurprise

>>40192201
otay added

sorry for everything

>>40193004
you better be. im never getting the time i spent on you back

>>40159907 (OP)
People bullied me so much I got to the point where they wanted monster they got it because of them I walk into hell gate made myself into the monster they wanted evil cold heart man fire and anger made me this way pain made me that feeling u just want to be it because this world is cruel I seen more than anyone

I meant every god damn word of that gay ass post

>>40193949
i’m really sorry

>>40159907 (OP)
i wiiish i didnt yave to try a bunxha different meds

>>40193949
i’m really really really sorry

u were right to be suspicious of him
he was perfect and i repressed my love for him for so long
no one will ever be as good for me as him in basically every aspect
oh yeah we showed each other our dicks and jerked off together btw
we met up irl too
so there

>>40159907 (OP)
I keep thinking about being violently fucked and used by groups of men even tho I have a long distance gf who I love a lot
it doesnt even make me feel better or anything, I just feel sad and useless
im lonely and a piece of shit

if you were actually any of the mad anons i responded to thinking they were you i’m sorry. thank you for your time and connection i am really too broken and don’t need to be tangling up more of what you are trying to straighten out. lol well you know this and booted me out of your life and it’s a good decision. i’m sorry im not better to be friends and when romance presented itself sorry i wasn’t in the right place to pursue it with you but as the person i am as you know now idk it would have been messy. you could have been everything and are. i hope you will be for someone else and for yourself. i wish i got to see you in person. see your mannerisms and what your face does. maybe like held your hand one time or hugged. felt your voices qualities through the air then in my body not just as beautiful as it was distorted through a phone. watched something together irl. you are probably really freaked out by me now idk and rightfully so i hope to hear from you again but idk i doubt it now. sorry i ruined everything and hurt you. i really hope im done dragging out my stupid posts. i will always regret this though and, will look back as if everything could have been different and maybe better idk and won’t know sorry

>>40195529
it sucks

>>40195529
letter?

>>40159907 (OP)
I used to watch forced feminisation on YouTube when I was 7 years old. Now, at 18 I’m trying my hardest to quit porn.

>>40196741
i’m an h

>>40168615
this one is so mean

okay okay i proposed what if we stay blocked on discord and everything and u unblock me on rym and i will never message u there if thats even an option. i started updating it idk and ill send you 100 dollars a month or idk whatever you want idc. something’s wrong with my brain and it hurts so bad

>>40198523
propros*

>>40159907 (OP)
line if you are dead it does not bother me to just keep posting asking you to talk to me. I really am sorry, I should not have pushed you away. If you are with someone now and are happy it is fine I just dont want you to be dead. Please answer me if you see this. I have thought about you many many many times.

This meme is literally me (left) and my bf (right), except we’re both guys. I’m a gymbro roider and he’s a tall skinny nerd. My sex drive is higher than his, and it’s all I can do to not pick him up and physically rape him (lovingly) some days. I love him but I secretly hope they shut down PoE (he doesn’t like PoE 2)…

>>40198523
nd rate all the albums u like highly

threads now at the cringe poetry limit