Thread 40943274

>Think about how I want to be a woman and should probably transition
>Immediately get bombarded by thoughts about how great it is to be a man, and how I'll miss out on being a handsome and suave chad. Also think about how horrible I'd be at being a woman, and how it's not worth losing the utilitarian benefits of T like strength and higher base metabolic rate.
>Become convinced that I love being a man, and I'm determined in living my best life as a man
>Slow buildup of obsessive trans thoughts about how I'm actively losing any androgyny because of testosterone and that I will greatly regret it later on if I don't act asap. Seeing women my age makes me want to flay myself and can't stop focusing on how I'll never remotely resemble a woman

It genuinely feels like I'm gaslighting myself both ways, and I can't tell which thoughts and feelings are trustworthy. Doesn't help that I never had any tranny thoughts or anything resembling dysphoria before my 20s, and that looking at my male body also doesn't make me dysphoric at all.

If you're not dysphoric just don't take oestrogen and if you like both teams, just have a double life (esp. If you have gender euphoria) and do whatever you want

>>40943274 (OP)
Who the fuck cares. You'll be dead in 50 yrs tops. Just pick one and stick with it. It literally doesn't fucking matter. You don't matter.

>>40943274 (OP)
>Seeing women my age makes me want to flay myself and can't stop focusing on how I'll never remotely resemble a woman
>but i don’t have dysphoria
nona i don’t know how to tell you this.
seriously though, you convincing yourself to stay on T due to the “objective benefits” even though you’d much rather lose those benefits if it meant looking like a woman is probably something significant. look into hrt, if you like the side effects of aging on estrogen and are willing to be a tranny (possibly one in secret) then go for it

>Doesn't help that I never had any tranny thoughts or anything resembling dysphoria before my 20s
does that really matter? what you're looking for is signs that would tell you that you are meant to be a woman, you yearn for the universe to make the decision for you. But who you are or what you are meant to be doesnt really matter, what matters is what you desire and how realistically you can get it. Neither some god nor nature has any intentions for who you're supposed to be. But you do.

Therefore, you need to focus on your desire to become a woman. Where does it stem from? What is it about being a woman that you desire so deeply? What makes you envy women? What are the ways to satisfy those desires without transitioning? If there aren't any, are you willing to pay the price? You can't just have benefits of both genders, dummy... You either choose to be a man and accept that it sucks sometimes or choose to be a woman and accept that it sucks sometimes.

Also, are you really sure your dysphoria is rapid onset? Personally, I also thought that i must be faketrans bc I didn't have dysphoria, but later on I realised that during puberty I have felt somehow disturbed about the things my body did and just thought that it's normal and other boys also go through this. For instance, I was suprised to find out that men actually like their facial hair and dont see it as a nuissance. Some people are literally repping so hard that it actually unfortunately works

>>40943321
I don't think I'm actually dysphoric, but I'd like to stop the tranny thoughts I'm plagued by now.
Can't say I like both teams, and I definitely don't want to live a double life. Gender euphoria is completely foreign to me as well

>>40943274 (OP)
i have extremely similar thoughts to u except i transitioned at 16, so now im already forever stuck in an androgynous twink body. even if i detrannied i would look like a faggot chud. at this point it's been so long since i accepted i was a tranny i forgot what it's like to think of myself as a man. i forgot why i even wanted to transition in the first place.

but i still get these thoughts from time to time. "what the fuck did i do with my body? now im stuck as a feminine faggot, when i could've probably been a chad"

im so depressed and dissociated from everything anyway, i don't know how to feel about anything anymore.

>>40943359
I don't even know whether I want to look like a woman. I've tried hrt, and I couldn't help but wake up every morning in fear of me hating it's effects.
If there was a way to simply turn into a woman, I'd probably take it, but imagining my current self undergoing a transition only fills me with dread

>>40943387
yeah, it doesn't get any better. but then you see cis women and you get filled with dread. it's weird. get dysphoria from being a man, get dysphoria from being a "woman".

>>40943380
I didn't even take hrt back then and ended up as an androgynous twink, I would have hated getting fully blasted with T as I can't even stand seeing facial hair growing on me, it gives me terrible anxiety and I'm glad I had a hormonal imbalance from the beginning, though I masculinized a little bit and I hate it, it's manageable.

Never thought myself as a man, no one ever saw me as one, that made it easier to take HRT but seeing guys growing to be huge and hairy while I stayed petite and hairless was such a contradictory experience.

>>40943368
>does that really matter?
I think it does. I was pretty happy with being a guy prior to the tranny thoughts, so why would it suddenly change. I can't tell which side is ego dystonic.

>Where does it stem from? What is it about being a woman that you desire so deeply? What makes you envy women? What are the ways to satisfy those desires without transitioning?
I have genuinely no clue where it stems from, nor what exactly I desire about it. It all feels very arbitrary.
The thing I envy most explicitly is the fact that women are able to be pretty in ways that men can't, but I don't understand why that would bear any importance to me. I've also always thought of men as objectively uglier than women, despite knowing that this isn't necessarily the case.

>Also, are you really sure your dysphoria is rapid onset?
It feels like it is, but that's mostly because I have basically no memories of how I felt about my body growing up. I definitely can't remember being distressed by anything that happened to me during puberty, but I also can't remember liking anything about it. I do remember though that when I was around 15 I decided to work out, because I perceived that as the only way one can be attractive as a man.

>I was suprised to find out that men actually like their facial hair and dont see it as a nuissance
I know I also saw my facial hair as a nuissance, but my conclusion to that was that I dislike not having a full beard instead of disliking the facial hair itself.
This was more or less always my conclusion when it came to the things that "bothered" me about being a man, or at least the ones I can remember.

>>40943380
>im so depressed and dissociated from everything anyway, i don't know how to feel about anything anymore.
This is exactly how I feel right now, and I really don't think transitioning could change that

>>40943436
Exactly this. It's basically a coin throw whether seeing a woman would make me feel extremely envious of her, or extreme dread at the thought of being a woman. The same thing applies to being a man, only without the envy

>>40943472
>women are able to be pretty in ways that men can't
would crossdressing/cosplaying make it for you? its not like you cant be pretty in a feminine way while being a man
>I've also always thought of men as objectively uglier than women, despite knowing that this isn't necessarily the case.
this isnt the case, nor is it objective at all. it's probably that you are more attracted to women. also, this sounds so textbook agp, as if you wanted to become your own gf. but please please dont think im telling you that theres anything wrong about it. it might be that you are just being a man with female embodiment fantasies, and thats fine, you can totally live with such fantasies without transitioning
>I dislike not having a full beard instead of disliking the facial hair itself.
for me it was a deep distress about any facial hair. it was ok when it started at 14, but at 17 hairs started to become more coarse and faster-growing, beard shadow appeared and i was desperately shaving every day to the point where i started getting scars from it.

>>40943573
>would crossdressing/cosplaying make it for you?
Not at all. I have basically zero interest in crossdressing and cosplaying, especially since it would only highlight all the ways in which I look like a man. And even if I were able to pull ot off, it would only be possible with a ton of effort, which in and of itself would make me miserable.

>just being a man with female embodiment fantasies
I don't have any female embodiment fantasies, but I also never fantasize about myself in any way shape or form, so there's that.
I don't understand the appeal of AGP though, especially since "gender euphoria" is something I've never felt.

>deep distress about any facial hair
I don't have that, even if I'll refuse to go out if I have even the slightest stubble. My facial hair is luckily still not coarse enough to leave a beard shadow, and I can not shave for multiple days if I really have to, but having facial hair feels the same way to me as sleeping on a dirty mattress would

>>40943648
>And even if I were able to pull ot off, it would only be possible with a ton of effort, which in and of itself would make me miserable.
transitioning is a lot of effort and by your logic it would make you miserable.
>facial hair feels the same way to me as sleeping on a dirty mattress would
that kinda sounds dysphoria-ish? but earlier you say that you dont have any distress about your facial hair...im so confused. is there realy anything wrong with proceeding to live as a an in your case?

>>40943573
>scars due to shaving
When I was repping I'd use dull blades to hurt my face, I don't know what I was thinking but I hated everything about me then

>>40943698
>transitioning is a lot of effort and by your logic it would make you miserable.
The reason it would make me miserable is because then I couldn't simply not care about the fact that I look like a man. Being a man would become an active issue instead of something I can just ignore.
Right now, it doesn't bother me because I'm also not putting in any effort in trying to not be one.

>that kinda sounds dysphoria-ish? but earlier you say that you dont have any distress about your facial hair...im so confused. is there realy anything wrong with proceeding to live as a an in your case?
I'd still insist I don't feel any acute distress because of my facial hair, but I definitely don't like. It's just something I have to put up with, just like anything else that comes with being a man. I could most likely keep on living as a man without any real issues, and that's why I say I'm not dysphoric, but I'd be lying if I also said that I like being a man.

>>40943274 (OP)
I'm feeling mostly the same as op. It really feels like a 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' situation, and I really wish I could just go back to being normal

bump

>>40944711
You could start taking small steps towards a less masculine figure, like hair removal and a different clothing style, maybe even behavior, you don't need to go all in.

>>40946151
I guess I could, and I'm already aiming for a more androgynous style, but it really feels futile as long as I am a man. Looking like an effeminate man isn't appealing to me, even if it is better than looking like a masculine man.

I transitioned and I still look like an 8/10 man

>>40943274 (OP)
It's more the mental side of it for me.
I'm attracted to men, but I guess I've never had the same views on femininity or gender roles as the rest of this board does.
I know how FTMs always talk about men, about the thing is I agree with a lot of what they're saying in a way.

As a man I'm at least granted the humanity and the slightest bit of dignity to be allowed to say yes or no. As much as it hurts, becoming a woman in these people's eyes, the LGBT community's eyes even, would mean I don't even have a right to my own thoughts.

>>40946219
>Looking like an effeminate man isn't appealing to me
So you want everything or nothing? Guess transitioning won't help you as you'd go through that phase and it would hurt you more than help you.