Thread 81547516

Bedrotting personality disorder sucks. Most people think oh cool so you don't get lonely and that's indeed great. The problem is nothing is worth doing. Cooming doesn't feel like anything, exercising doesn't feel good, movies are boring, video games are chores
I think I gotta start doing drugs

>>81547516 (OP)
yes this is correct, life is only worth living when it is shared

>>81547522
I wouldn't know. Interacting with people feels like work

>>81547516 (OP)
I have this disorder. It's exhausting to not care about anything, ever, and to live in a world where caring about things is mandatory.

I just don't care, man. And I'll probably be homeless one day because of it.

>>81547534
I'm a bit of a schizoid but I find myself craving human connection but then when presented with it, it feels like a chore.
It's like I need it but don't want it or something

>>81547558
Apathy, no desires, just serving our sentence in our flesh prison. It's almost like being a zen buddhist but without the zen. I bet they at least experience some kind of fulfilment from removing desire
>>81547628
A lot of things are better in their little idealized form inside our imagination

Isn't this severe depression? Genuinely I don't know. I keep getting bounced onto different anti depressants because nothing works. I just give zero hecks.

>personality disorder is when I stay in my room
That's not a thing, grow up

>>81547686
gonna narcissistically blogpost for a minute

>their little idealized form inside our imagination
I really do wake up pretty sad when I dream about having a lover, though. Shit often times it's one of my exes from before I started going schizoid (happened in my earlyish 20s).
idk I believe I am passionate and emotional but I rarely express or act on my emotions irl.

Also I am very sociable and good at interacting with people, I just only enjoy doing it with a select few people who think exactly like me. I might be a fake schizoid or some shit...

>>81547703
Its possible I'm depressed. However I'm not suicidal and I don't know what sadness feels like. Everyones situation is a little different. You could also have both. I just find spd as the closest thing to my experience

>>81547751
Most people have a hormonal response - a chemical reward mechanism - to achievement, social interaction, pursuing hobbies, romance etc.

In a subset of the population this simply isn't present, or is so weak it may as well not be there. Everything is mundane, nothing is satisfying - on a biological, chemical level. How does one grow out of missing a key biological function that supports societal engagement?

>>81547703
I don't think so. I'm not schizoid but I behave like one, only difference is that I crave companionship like crazy and yet it's so far away. My guess being that I have some sort of depression.

That said, I wouldn't be surprised if the two are interlinked.

>>81547516 (OP)
how did the people ITT figure out they were schizoid? ive been accused of being one before but i doubt i actually have the disorder. i read the DSM-5 definition and 4, maybe 5, of the descriptors apply to me thoughbeit i think a lot of it is just overdiagnosing and self fulfilling prophecy on my end so in reality its probably nothing. ive never been sent to a psychiatrist, therapist or psych ward and i like to think its for a reason, that being if im not sent to one then i dont need to go to one. i also dont want to go to one because it will prevent me from buying a gun in the future if there is infact something wrong with me

Yeah, I think humans are such that most things are more enjoyable and fulfilling when shared with others but when you actively don't like human interaction you're just left with activities that will never be fulfilling. You don't enjoy things because they're not shared, but don't enjoy being around other people so you're just this unfulfilled husk.

Sometimes I think I would like friends, but they're idealised people that only exist in my head. In actuality I've never met someone or people who I truly felt comfortable with or could connect to on any deep level.

>>81547759
what exactly is wrong with you posting this? the concept of narcissism seems to have been hijacked.

75% of all songs are about love
it is the single most powerful emotion
you are simply in denial and don't like cold water

>>81547898
Threw that in there because it would seem a poor contribution to the discussion when every single sentence starts with "I"

I'm not schizoid, just schizotypal, and I honestly realized it early on during High School and early college. I have always had a few very close friends but out side of them I never really 'got' other people, their thoughts have always been extremely alien to me to the point that, if I said something that made them laugh or react, I often wouldn't know why until literal years later.

Audiovisual hallucinations are rare, typically only manifesting when I'm very tired or particularly stressed. I'll sometimes see figures on the side of the road while I'm driving or get impressions of dead loved ones when I'm doing something on my computer that absorbs a lot of my focus. The dead loved ones aren't audiovisual, it's more like a white 'spark' in the periphery of my eye and I get a sensation of knowing who it is.

I don't believe in any conspiracy shit but I am a Christian, so at least that's a healthy manifestation and I'm not convinced the government is beaming me with the kill phrase into the receiver in my teeth or some shit. I'm, at least, aware of my condition, so I'm not as prone to flights of fancy but I have had long episodes in my life where I "knew" my closest friends were fucking with me or abandoned me, or all sorts of other conspiracy-level suspicions with no foundation. It's made it extremely hard to keep those so-called best friends because I often look for reasons to suspect they're being untrustworthy.

>>81547812
I feel this completely. I realised it in high school when everyone was scurrying around intaining friendships, learning to drive, applying to colleges, trying to get good grades and stuff and it just felt aso alien to me was to why people cared. I couldn't motivate myself to do a thing and still can't and have rotted as a NEET ever since.
I simultaneously feel dejected about it but can't imagine being any other way. I don't like this life, or any other one.

>>81547925
there is also nothing wrong with that, again something that was inexplicably made but is somehow accepted because people fear the narcissism boogeyman.

>>81547812
Wait, that's what SPD means?
I've given almost that exact description to countless psychiatrists, doctors, psychologists, ect, basically anyone who would fucking listen, and not once has any of them ever suggested SPD.

>>81547972
sorry to tell you but all those people did that because their parents made them understand that if they didn't do it, they would rot as NEETs. basically they understood that there is more to life and you didn't.

>>81547872
If youre like >>81547558 you should see a therapist but you won't out of lack of fucks. If you just have some schizoid tendencies I don't think its a big deal

>>81547872
I was diagnosed at 16, when there were several things off about me, plus a lot of the stuff I did prior to my official diagnosis of SzPD was almost verbatim to the criteria of the diagnosis. Now, 16 years later, I'm feeling it hard, and i've only gotten frostbitten numb to the feeling

ama, i guess

>>81547759
yeah dawg you're just posting 3 fukken lines entirely related to the post you're replying to. that's all you're doing. no worries on the blogpost, the narcissistic shit, fuck that. just post buddy, worst thing that can happen is some asshole calls you an asshole. you're commiserating about some shit with another guy out here on the internet. its not a problem

as for me i took a screwdriver to my own head and luckily sorted this shit out 10+ years ago. i found that self-disgust (not loathing nor hatred!) was useful for initial motivation, and everything went from there decent well. but i never dealt with big isolation periods, always had good group of irl friends in my small southern semi-rural area. it was all just self-inflicted melancholic tendency. learned to live with myself as best i can. i tell you this, when you've been in the pits of despair and clawed out, doing "kinda shitty" feels like most normal people's normal or good. just got a different baseline at all. one can adapt.

>>81548033
I understood, I just didn't care. Other people who are normal will claw and fight for that not to be their fate because there is nothing more terrifying. If a normie had to live a schizoid or avoidant's lifestyle for a month they'd kill themselves and in fact we saw exactly that during the pandemic.
But when you find that life tolerable and find it exhausting to be around people and, well, just to 'be' as normals do it becomes easy to slip into the rot.

>>81547516 (OP)
Been this way for a long while. Don't see anything changing either. I have zero desire to participate in society. There's nothing for me that I want out of this life other than a quick death. Don't care about relationships, sex, hobbies. It's all bullshit. I'll likely end up homeless too like >>81547558 said.

>>81547516 (OP)
dont care being an ugly and short man with bpd is 100x worse

>>81547759
>idk I believe I am passionate and emotional but I rarely express or act on my emotions irl
I don't experience a lot of emotion but when I used to in my teens I'd hide it. I viewed emotions as something more intimate than they are and showing it felt like a violation of my privacy

>>81547872
A pretty good indicator is not pursuing intimacy and even turning it down when it is offered to you. The idea of putting another part of my body in another human being just seems weird and gross. Im sure it would feel good but idk to me it sounds like the equivalent of sticking your cock in a swamp to get off.

Also the first few responses just sound like depression.

Because for actual schizoids it's not that you "don't get lonely" its that you actually do enjoy being alone. Being alone is great its like an addiction. If I could be alone all the time I would. There is so much you can do to entertain yourself I dont know how people get bored being alone. You can listen to music, play videogames, read a book, play and instrument, watch old movies, build stuff or learn a new skill, or even just sit quietly and watch the world. It's great. And the best part about being alone is you can be your true uninhibited self. You dont need to put on an act for anyone or do anything you don't want to do. Why would you want to give that up? People suck. The moment you've got to put up with another person you lose who you are. You've gotta compromise and act a certain way and take care of their needs and put up with them looking at you and wanting you do do things. It's like having a job outside of your job.

Schizoid personality disorder is quite rare. The overwhelming majority of people here not diagnosed are either brutally depressed, have some traumas they need to fix that make them refuse to trust others or let people in, or are just introverted autists who can only relate to similar people with their niche interests

>>81548611
Estimates top out at around 4% of people, so it's probably about 1 in 30 people have it.
That means every classroom has one future schizoid in it.

You have to train yourself to view social interactions as sources of positive feedback instead of negative feedback. When you only associate them with negative feedback, of course you'll stop being motivated to actually have them, and of course it will feel like wasted effort.

>>81548503
Schopenhauerpilled

>>81548646
Normie retard alert. In cases of severe anhedonia where nothing is deemed satisfying, there is nothing that you can offer as a "treat" to act as a reward for operant conditioning/positive reinforcement learning, and so no amount of effort will ever invoke an enhanced dopamine response to encourage pursuant behaviour. No amount of hand shaking or looking people square in the eyes or getting called champ is going to fix what is at it's core, an issue with brain chemistry.

>>81547516 (OP)
You're just bored, anon. Maybe you're low on B12 and vitamin D?
I was bored too but then I found a fascinating book about the dark net and I'll start exploring that place, soon. I've used silk road back then but I never explored the forums with REAL anonymity and people that don't self censor all the time so I'm hyped to see what's out there. I have to first brush up my opsec skills but that's also fun and interesting. So exited to leave this clearnet shit hole to find a place with authentic people.

>>81547759
You're just a snob, silly!

>>81549142
I wasn't really voicing it well. Theres like two or three people I can completely be myself around, and even though I love them, I still ignore their calls and texts pretty frequently because being alone is almost always more appealing to me in the moment.

>>81548811
He was definitely a robot.

>>81548841
Yet their lives are anhedonic and miserable because of their current state of being, eventually they are put in a situation where they are forced to change since they cannot maintain themselves indefinitely in that state. The carrot may not work, but life will give them the stick and they are put in a situation where they must rapidly adapt or die.

>>81547516 (OP)
I have the exact same problem, but luckily for me my brain suddenly decided to stop being depressed a month ago for no reason after five years. I still bedrot but now its actually worth it. I pray your brain does the same soon.

>>81548811
Not at all. He travelled a lot, got STDs, tried (but failed) to win over women, and had many friends he was in frequent contact with.

I walk a lot to the coffee shop hoping to meet a woman whose butt I can lick and cum on and cum in and cum onto inside of their butt. It helps to have a carrot on a stick, otherwise id be sleepmaxxing and its really bad for your HP to do that because you get ailment debuffs from being overencumbered. You need to sit up after eating dude or else your stomach hates your ass. Because the food gets stuck in your upper intestines lol and it gives you like butt sores and also you get so sick you cant even sit up all the way because theres so much fucking food in your upper half so when you sit up its like all trying to go down at once and its so fucking scary.

schizoid is different from bedrotting though

>>81549171
I'm similar. People at work seem to have a problem that I care more about getting shit done than bonding with colleagues. I've seen that these cliques are often used for keeping useless people on the payroll, which goes against my drive to optimize processes. I can now run a formerly 5 head department all by myself and I'm not even working full time, lel. Looks like most were just bullshitting and doodling for years and getting payed doing so, lol.
I usually hang out in our "forest" to read and I love being surrounded by animals and plants. You're lucky to have found people to be your authentic self with tho, I'm jealous. Whenever I share stuff I'm into with normies they look at me like I was eating a baby in front of them or something. I'm done trying to fit in with normies.

>>81549309
Yeah, I get it. I am blue collar but I don't mind picking up slack because I am there to work.
A coworker called me a doormat/pushover and said other workers were taking advantage of me when she saw me doing a favor for someone else, I just sort of shrugged at her. I am basically her supervisor anyways.
She's kind of a cunt but I never rise up to it.

>>81549388
I'm sure people tried to talk you into working slower so they don't look bad. My former colleague even started to make vague threats of physical violence if I keep up my speed but I just ignored his bullshit and ultimately got him fired for being an incompetent loud mouth. He was good at manipulating normies but his tricks didn't work on my neurodivergent ass and he hated/bullied me for it, which backfired in a hilarious way. What a bunch of losers, not being able to outwork me while outnumbering me 4:1.

>>81549282
>Has no close relationships
Me
>Is consistently alone
Me
>Has no interest in sex
I have sexual attraction and masturbate and fantasize frequently - but to the idea of actually having sex in reality I think this is true. It's such a level of closeness and intimacy with another person - honestly if a woman suddenly asked me for sex (ShrekLikeThatsEverGonnaHappen.gif) I'd honestly probably turn them down.
>Emotionally flat and aloof attitude
Me
>Rarely feels happiness
I feel contentedness and satisfaction, like watching a good movie or something - but I never feel what I'd call genuine joy.
>Has nobody they can trust
I don't nor do I feel I would have the capacity to trust anyone really.
>Appears indifferent to being praised
I appear indifferent to everything as I have a flat affect and rarely show strong emotions especially in front of people. I do feel criticism quite strongly though even if I don't show it.

Where does one even go from here? There's no cure, so do you just cope or can you get NEETbux for this shit. It's actively detrimental to your wellbeing just to participate in society after all, it's worde than autism honestly.

>>81548273
Similar. When I was a child/teen I was always punished for showing emotion, even that which was well and truly justified.

>>81549470
That's pretty fucked man, I am glad the manipulator got his come uppance.
I have had people comment and be upse at my pace, and yeah it is the lazy types but blue collar also has some of the opposite problem (people flexing about how much they work)
I have had to tell new hires who are over enthusiastic to slow down because we work in the hot summer heat and I don't want them calling out sick the next day because they are recovering from heat sickness.

I try to set a healthy pace for others to follow, one that gets all the work done and doesn't burn anyone out.

I do hate the whiners though. If you don't like the job, quit.

thanks for all the supporrt guys

>>81547516 (OP)
>oh man I'm a depressed normie
>Look at this disorder I identify as!
Yep, just another day on r9k.

Are you guys being serious about this? This isn't a real disorder. Probably a majority of psychiatric disorders have no known biological basis and it's just shrinks making words up to describe things that they feel makes sense. That's absolutely not to say that there's nothing wrong with you all. There might be, but simply thinking of yourself as suffering from one of these vague disorders like schizoid or BPD or depression or whatever can and most likely will be somewhat of a self fulfilling prophecy. The scientific rigor by which this stuff is diagnosed would be laughable if it weren't kind of sad and even harmful.

>>81547872
look man, people will read into all of these criteria like a horoscope and pick a disorder to their liking. that describes all of these mental disorders. i suspect that nowadays the majority of diagnoses are soft, in the sense that the people getting them could just get told to stop being little babies and that would be the best thing for their life.
t. diagnosed autist who is almost certainly not a real autist.

>>81547830
>I'm not schizoid but I behave like one
>I crave companionship like crazy

Sounds like AVPD. This describes a ton of robots in general. There's a disproportionate amount of schizoids and avoidants here.

>>81550333
Fair point. Diagnosing yourself is only useful insofar that now you know you're not alone, and that it's something you can treat/learn to live with.

It's important to remember: you can have executive functioning problems without having ADHD. You can have avoidant tendencies without having AVPD. And you can have schizoid tendencies without being a schizoid.

schizoid is hell. i dont get too experience any fun
i long for the day that i die everytime i try to pursue a hobby or interest, the anhedonia kicks in and i just give up i do believe my schizoid tendencies give rise to some amount of creativity though, since i spend a lot of time daydreaming occassionally i'll get some ideas for music, art or computer programming.

heres the schizoid test: https://www.idrlabs.com/schizoid-personality-spectrum/test.php

heres a soundtrack i made:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s-dV-l6A67U

>>81550212
You don't think there are schizoids and autists in our midst?

>>81550212
if you look into attachment theory and object relations personality disorders will make much more sense to you
>>81547516 (OP)
>start doing drugs
i do mdma 3-4 times a year which is pretty rewarding for me. people will say not to take it alone but i enjoy it. i just stretch and listen to music while enjoying the ego-softening effects. any time i do drugs with people i end up deeply regretting it, even online chats

>>81551298
bros....
I thought I was just on the spectrum or something

>>81548611
Schizoid adaptation though is more relevant. I think it's possible to be kind of normie and go off the rails from trauma, then you just end up in this existence.

>>81550333
Its true this shit may not be real disorders, but an exuse for the person in question and society that he/she dont function normally. It would be closer to archetipe. But modern individualist, blank slate society teach everyone is the same, and if he/she dont fit the normie criteria, there must be something wrong with the person.

>>81552852
I completely agree with you, most of the people here adapted that way due to their life experiences or to deal with the isolation caused by other issues. However this adaptation is also aberrant and is a major source for their continued suffering.

>>81552868
I read a lot of Nancy McWilliams and Elinor Greenberg. I don't know if anyone else really specializes in that. Most therapists seem actively harmful

>>81548104
How did you get diagnosed so young? When I got my diagnostic back recently my psychologist said he "didn't want to diagnose me officially because it would be unfair to give you a personality disorder so young", or some shit like that.
Honestly seeing that guy was such a massive fucking waste of time, money and resources. He could have given me a slap in the face and a bandaid and it would be the same as his suggestion to try exposure therapy.

>>81551298
The sun will never disappear,
but the world may not have many years.
Isolaaaaation.

>>81551298
What are these shitty test for even.
Like half of the questions are for people who clearly socialize somehow. I don't fucking know how am I described by others because there are no others.

Schizoid people don't usually rot though, more often than not it's avoidants who do that. It's probably the most misdiagnosed illness and schizoids usually don't care about mental illness because they don't care about identity markers, they're too mentally retreated in their internal world for that. They don't need to flee from real life like avoidants because they're already doing it mentally.
The core of their illness allow them to function at a minimal level (albeit in a robotic way) so they usually work (jobs without responsibility) and theoretically don't get much pleasure in browsing shitposting on imageboards because this useless shit is all about social supplies (this is a thing an avoidant would do cuz they want social supplies without having to deal with the fear of humiliation).

>>81552925
>I don't fucking know how am I described by others because there are no others.
Yeah I didn't know how to answer half of the shit on there

>>81551298
>inner bareness
That test literally contradicts pretty much every single research I've read about it. What is this horoscope tier shit even.
Do yourself a service and either start with the wiki or check the https://digitalcommons.pepperdine.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1412&context=etd

>>81552963
This.

>>81551298
i respect anyone who makes their own music
godspeed to you

>>81552963
I doubt its the most misdiagnosed, those would probably be the more known of disorders like adhd or whatever. anyway, I digress, I'd say I'm a mix of avoidant and simply not giving a shit.
If people didn't make me uncomfortable with how annoying and needy they are then I would probably just find myself bored. I've tried to force myself to talk to people, but it just bores me and I can't bring myself to care about them, even my friends, used to make me feel a bit guilty.
I'm alright with short and brief interaction like 4chan comments, I mostly like 4chan so I can just be weird without alarming anyone around me which would make my life harder.
Just my perspective.

>>81553036
Honestly you just sound straight up depressed, the extreme apathy and lack of concern is a dead ringer. Can't offer you much but to tell you that people become more needy the more you avoid them. If you do stuff with someone 1-3 times a week they generally are satisfied, if you ignore them for weeks or months you have to deal with them daily and do maintenance on it.

>>81553127
Psychologist said I didn't have depression (though he also wasted my time for everything else with such shitty treatment/assessment) but I don't really think it is either. I would say that I'm a bit depressed, but even before, I was extremely solitary, and I do care about things deeply, just not people, only my own things I do.
One thing I defineatly don't share with schizoid is the lack of activities. I do a lot of artistic things.

>>81552991
Yeah it doesn't check out. Certainly a schizoid does experience more numbness than the average person, but hidden from view there's also a lot of longing for intimacy, murderous revenge fantasies, and the constant see-saw back and forth between inferiority and superiority complexes

>>81552904
My mom put me thru a bunch of psychological tests since I was 7 or 9, and in my teens I ended up taking a week long diagnosis that included an IQ test, pattern recognition tests and mental aptitude as well as social aptitude. Passed most of the tests except for the social aptitude one. Got diagnosed with both Autism and Schizoid disorders

>>81547516 (OP)
Same. The only reason I haven't ended it is because I have a rich inner world that allows me to carry on with fantasies that I would never bother to materialize because I don't really desire them.

At least you don't have cfs.

>>81547516 (OP)
Yeah it's quite exhausting I guess, beware of which drugs you decide to use anon, smoke some weed and take some shrooms, don't do more than that I would advise

>>81547522
Can you name a few, Anonymous?

bump for shitoidz

>>81547516 (OP)
life drags on, day after day.

>>81555477
We went back to lurking

>>81554703
a few what?

>>81547534
>>81547628
You will only find joy from interacting with specific people, good luck ever finding the people you gel with, normal people can just get it from almost anyone, you are not as lucky.

>>81552963
>this useless shit is all about social supplies (this is a thing an avoidant would do cuz they want social supplies without having to deal with the fear of humiliation)
don't really follow
people come here to socialize? yes i guess
>deal with the fear of humiliation
don't get this

>>81548273
same here, whenever i'd express happiness my mother would draw attention to it and make me justify it. So instead I learned to just not show it, then not showing it became not experiencing it. The last couple years I've been trying to fake it internally to see if it catches on or comes back, but it seems like once its gone its gone.

>>81549282
>no close relationships
that literally shows someone trying to talk to them

>>81557910
yeah, I have no fear of humiliation when interacting with people irl. I just choose not to interact with them.

I went to a wedding recently (since the groom is one of the only people I sometimes enjoy interacting with, and he invited me) and had no problem dancing the night away by myself

>>81558119
i just don't understand what fear of humiliation means, in the sense of why would people humiliate you, why would that happen?

>>81558154
>why would people humiliate you, why would that happen?
people who know eachother bond by mocking other people. one term is "people watching". There is some quote about how two friends will turn on the third once they're out of earshot. its fundamental normie culture. If we're talking about women, they'll do it loud enough for others to hear, to gain social clout, because in the female world, its unthinkable that someone would confront them over it. Some people call it a status attack. But its pretty rare that someone will insult you to your face, one on one, yeah.

>>81558154
it basically just means social anxiety that originates from feeling like you will look stupid, silly, or awkward when interacting with people irl.

>>81549484
you and i are very similar. especially
>It's such a level of closeness and intimacy with another person - honestly if a woman suddenly asked me for sex I'd honestly probably turn them down.
maybe i'm too cruel, but i've been asked out plenty of times and found myself more interested in offering a cruel or flippant response than actually engaging, even if i thought the girl was physically attractive
honestly, learning to mask and come across as someone genuinely engaged in socialization has been best for my career, which is a very social one.
the most frustrating thing for me lately has been the whole "male loneliness epidemic" thing, where suddenly one out of every three posts has to be about how lonely men are, but somehow if you mention your apathy towards it all, normies come flying at you with le "you need therapy this sounds bad" nonsense. it's exactly the same as when you tell a room of casual drinkers that you get nothing from drinking -- they can't fathom it and insist there's something wrong with you.
so all these conversations seem less than productive. at least it's neat seeing one of these threads here, THOUGH

>>81558236
>>81558241
i see now thanks

Goddam i didn't think i was this bad. Most of my jobs in the past required i work alone so i guess it rubbed off on me.
I'm making some internet friends these days though maybe one day i'll do a meet up and try and stop being a hermit