Hey you, How are you feeling?

go to bed you giant queer

>>82050421 (OP)
deeply suicidal, i am unironically making plans to kms rn as a matter of fact lol

Do you notice how slow the board got once it became friday night. We shouldnt fucking let them back in.

>>82050460
>i am unironically making plans to kms rn as a matter of fact lol
How are you gonna do it?

>>82050460
Hate to be this guy but did you try sex & drugs

>>82050475
its going to be a while still but basically after christmas im going into the woods and just dying from freezing, its weirdly effective from what i hear but idk

>>82050421 (OP)
yesterday was my ugliest episode in awhile, today has been just kind of boring, how are you (i will ask even though idrc)

>>82050479
drugs at least, yeah, and honestly i dont care enough to even want sex and havent for a long time

>>82050481
>just dying from freezing
What if animals ate you before you froze to death?
>>82050482
>how are you
Okay, I don't feel like shit nor I am happy.

>>82050481
How boring. At least take some roasties with you

>>82050498
>What if animals ate you before you froze to death?
unlikely to be honest.
>>82050501
nah i might make a yt vid doing a schizo rant before i go tho

okay, but only because i've almost polished off a 6 pack of budweisers
thinking about how much i hate racemixing cause pretty white girls i wanted to get with in high school are dating mexican/native guys now

>>82050516
Nobody will watch your gay video if you don't kill anyone besides yourself. Ted Kaczynski knew this

>>82050460
Omg same haha

>>82050481
God just fucking shoot yourself. If you're honestly that miserable just kill yourself already

>>82050530
i dont care at all whatsoever man
>>82050564
ok, i will, like i said i was going to, i got a date and a plan

>>82050574
Doesn't matter you're not gonna kill yourself because you're a gay pussy who is looking for attention

Not that well. Classes return soon too and I'll be cooked

>>82050600
Are you triggered by suicide or something?

>>82050421 (OP)
fantastic thanks for asking faggot

>>82050663
Wish I could smoke a CIGARETTE

>>82050421 (OP)
Feeling fucking tired but I have to do pushups now otherwise I'll feel disappointed which is much worse.

>>82050667
>I have to do pushups
Go to gym

>>82050421 (OP)
Oddly numb, it's supposed to be a special occasion today, but I'm so disappointed with myself and where I'm at that I don't even know what I want right now or how to make the moment special anymore. Just want to be left alone. Yet here I am posting on this board again.

>>82050674
So basically your numbness also bring angst and confusion?

>>82050693
Paradoxical as it sounds, that's not a bad way to put it. Frustrated too.

>>82050482
>my ugliest episode in awhile
This made me think about the moments in my life I might describe that way. All deeply shameful and embarrassing. What happened Anon? I'll tell mine if you tell yours.

>>82050460
>making plans to kms
Planning is a serious step beyond ideation. Been there a few times myself.
>>82050481
>after christmas im going into the woods
That almost sounded cozy to me when I first read it, but I hope you change your mind. Christmas is always super depressing, but it's still plenty of time. Here's a thought process I try to go down when I'm that far gone:
> Be ready to die
> Nothing left to lose, everything is forfeit anyway
> Might as well do whatever I want before I go
> Think about what I'd actually like to do
> Start making plans for something I'd enjoy
> Usually start feeling, if not better, then at least less suicidal by the time I'm actually ready to follow through on the enjoyable thing.

Don't pay the edgelords in this thread no mind Anon, you're not alone.

>>82050752
>> Think about what I'd actually like to do
>> Start making plans for something I'd enjoy
>> Usually start feeling, if not better, then at least less suicidal by the time I'm actually ready to follow through on the enjoyable thing.
i get hung up on that part, there really isnt anything i want to do, shoot, theres nothing i even want to "have done" if that makes sense. Im not invested in this life at all, im so angry and disgusted by it just constantly, i dont find ANY activity fulfilling, i wrote books, made albums, fought in boxing matches, won a few, i feel nothing. I feel nothing about it, its all nonsense, it doesnt mean anything

>>82050766
>i dont find ANY activity fulfilling
>i feel nothing.
>I feel nothing about it
That's another thing you have to remember; there's a physiological aspect to feeling this way. Obviously depression is a factor for anyone who's literally suicidal, and a classic symptom of depression is not enjoying things you used to. Were those activities ever fulfilling to you? It's a symptom because our brains literally aren't experiencing the "feel good chemicals" the way we're supposed to anymore. If your dopamine receptors are blown out it'll take time for anything to feel good again like it should. "Go outside" isn't just normie-teir advice for no reason, our bodies make vitamin D through our skin getting sunlight, and that's a key nutrient for mood-stabilization. Don't forget we're all just shitty flesh machines, and we all need a tune up now and then.

>i wrote books, made albums, fought in boxing matches, won a few
That's unironically pretty fuckin' cool man. Sounds like you have some good stories to tell. I used to compete in martial arts, and I always wanted to write a book, would love to hear about your process. I bet you got some good stories to tell.

>its all nonsense, it doesnt mean anything
Stop me if you've heard this one, but yeah. The absurdist philosophers would agree with you, and say in the face of a vapid uncaring universe, it's up to us to find our own meaning. Can you remember the last time you felt a real sense of purpose?

>>82050860
>it's up to us to find our own meaning. Can you remember the last time you felt a real sense of purpose?
im not like most people. i HATE having a perpose, and will do anything to avoid them, they are poison to me

>>82051135
>them
By "them" do you mean people or purposes?

>>82051150
purposes, i hate having a purpose, or a meaning, its always a bad feelign

>>82051158
As oxymoronic as it might seem, maybe purposelessness can be your purpose then. To exist unapologetically, without justification, for its own sake, sounds pretty damn virtuous if you ask me. Feels like something we lose sight of often in the modern world; that the human experience can be a means and an end in and of itself. I bet Diogenes would be proud.

>>82051191
But anon, i hate existing, the neutral state of being is negative to me, i dont want sensations or feelings, i HATE experience, i HATE being conciouss

>>82051210
>the neutral state of being is negative to me
Well then is there anything that can counteract all that negativity? Any positive force you might glean from life?
>i HATE experience, i HATE being conciouss
I find myself having similar thoughts when I'm in a bad place. There's this underlying dysphoria that just ruins everything, and try as I might, nothing I do ever really makes this grand parade of horrors ever quite feel worth it.
But at the end of the day hate is a strong word. And where do you really go from a statement like
>i dont want sensations or feelings
If experiencing anything is a negative, then what is implied to be positive? Nothingness? Would sitting in a sensory deprivation chamber and contemplating the void count as a positive experience by that metric? Not gonna lie it does sound peaceful if nothing else.

>>82051277
>If experiencing anything is a negative, then what is implied to be positive? Nothingness? Would sitting in a sensory deprivation chamber and contemplating the void count as a positive experience by that metric? Not gonna lie it does sound peaceful if nothing else.
no because i would still be there, i am done with existing, im over this needs to stop

>>82051286
Sure, but why?
>Originally, of course

>working on a saturday
Feels like pure shit.

>>82051377
Because of everything anon, its freaking everything, man. I hate :
>my human form
>how reality works, from animals having to eat each other to the fact we cant fly, to the fact rape and tourture and jail exists, to disease, to famine, all of it
>Add in that i cant seem to find personal joy, i dont consider anything really good enough to fucking care about it, like food, which runs out quick and is expensive, or sleep which sometimes causes dreams and i hate dreaming, or masterbation which causes a mess, or drugs which are expensive and run out, these are the BEST things life has to offer? Movies? Music? Nature? NO! DOESNT CUT IT FOR ME, IM SORRY IT DOESNT
>i HATE HATE HATE how stuff like the sun moon or stars look, or the grass, or trees, nature is FUCKING UGLY, and i HATE being this fucking form god i hate it
>and then also add in that i cant get an education, or a job, or drive, or ever have money, or pay taxes, or make friends, or make love, or have pets, or have kids, or any of the other shit im expected to be able to, I CANT DO IT, so why bother? why keep doing this over and over when i hate it so much

>>82050421 (OP)
Just went for a walk at 3 am for an hour while talking to myself in my head about my life, I'm so lonely. Had to walk past some druggie foid looting the donation box by an elementary school, she was talking to herself or someone on the phone, I'm guessing herself since her phone was by her legs as she was shining a flashlight on something.