My Dad had a rough childhood but became quite a successful man. He wanted me to be like him, but just by the notion of me being born into the wealth he built, it was already hardly possible for me to match him. I also grew up comparatively socially isolated, which gave me a different set of problems than him. So all the things I achieved never seemed to please him, and I grew up constantly being called a success, but looked down at as a disappointment.

This caused me to apply this mental image to everyone I meet in life - I meet a new person and put on a mask while spending minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, sometimes even years to gain their approval. And then once I'm done, or if I fail and decide to give up, I leave by distancing myself and doing my best to never interact with this person again.

I don't like meeting my friends, I don't like doing things with my family, I don't like meeting the same people repeatedly. I've spent so much time being inauthentic to satisfy people that I don't even know who I am or what my beliefs are. I feel like an empty shell, always.

Thanks for listening, I'm going to sleep.