Thread 82976551

>had an embarrassing interaction with a coworker
>compounds with the same problems I've been battling with my entire life
>crying the whole 45 minute drive home
>get home and explode
>sobbing, stammering, raging, emotional meltdown for an entire hour
>doing this as I eat, shower, and prep my halloween costume
>don't even want to go but I'm the one that convinced everyone to make plans
>unironically bawling my eyes out in the shower, wailing about my life and my existence
>finish my shower and continue to cry and whine for ten minutes
>suck it up, blow half a gallon of snot into the sink, start getting dressed
>get to the meet up spot
>only one in a costum
>only one acting half way interested in being there
>only one trying to carry a conversation
>act like a catalyst for fun for seven hours, doing everything I can to entertain my friends
>cry on the drive home
>drop my fucking hotdog on the floor
I genuinely don't think I can handle this anymore
I tried killing myself almost ten years ago I think I'm close again

>>82976551 (OP)
Why op? what's wrong? everyone has those shitty cringe interactions or momments, once i bought flowers and chocolates to a girl i liked in hs in front of everybody else and it turns out she was fucking another classmate while leading me on, life is cringy but it's not all that bad sometimes

>>82976551 (OP)
Dude what are you complaing about? you have friends a job and interact with coworkers

>>82976573
yeah, but OP's friends weren't jumping with joy seeing them. That practically means they should kill themselves.

>>82976573
>>82976583
Honestly? Like actually?

I've spent my entire life trying to make people like me. I don't even remember what being happy feels like. Something happened to me when I was around kindergarten, I don't know what. My memory of my childhood is bad, my memory of my adult life is really good. All I remember of my childhood is what I would describe as the physical experience of trauma. I can only describe is as a red slash through my body. Every time I think about it, every time I feel it, my heart sinks. My chest caves in. I just feel that red knife cutting me open. Ever since I felt that for the first time, I've never been happy.

I have been unbearably self aware since then. Criticizing and second guessing every action. Even just the way I'm sitting or standing. I don't remember living life without examining every single part of myself down to how much I'm blinking. I'm constnatly trying to be perfect. Everything is an effort to make myself more likeable. My entire life just about making people like me and I'm fucking terrible at it. I can't keep friends, I can't form relationships. I just meet people, run through my script, and never see them again. The people I do see out of obligation, like a coworker, pretend to be my friend then immediately reject me when I try to actually be their friend. No one actually wants to be around me. No one wants to see me. Every time I try to spend time with someone they reject me. Even if I offer help to someone they just stammer desperately looking for an excuse to say no. EVEN IF I'M JUST TRYING TO HELP THEM spending time with me is a repulsive thought.

I don't know what I do wrong, I don't know why I am like this, I've never been liked. No one in my family, none of my "friends", no one likes me. I have always been alone. Genuinely as a small child, I remember being alone. I used to fantasize about being hurt or lost so my parents had to take care of me. I don't know anything else.

>>82976551 (OP)
>>82976650
Oh, it's a person in desperate need of legitimate professional psychiatric care likely to collapse and become a statistic in this hellscape of an existence. Sorry to hear it, mate. I don't have the resources to actually help you. Try to go to bed and make it to morning.

>>82976650
Yeah op i don't have much to say beyond go get mental help, genuinely, not even trying to be offensive but you really could use it to unpack all that, r9k isn't gonna help you much with that