>>213433929
YOU'RE GONNA DIE, CLOUD

[Opening Scene: A panoramic view of Midgar under the glow of mako reactors. The screen fades to black. Intense orchestral music builds.]

NARRATOR:
This summer...

[CUT TO: A shadowy figure with long, silver hair steps into view, silhouetted against a roaring fire.]

NARRATOR:
...one wing will fall.

[The camera pans up, revealing ADAM SANDLER as SEPHIROTH. His face is overly serious, but his voice... unmistakably Sandler.]

SEPHIROTH :
"Cloud... you can't HANDLE my moves! Shoo-ba-dee-boo!"

[CUT TO: Cloud Strife (played by a brooding Timothy Chalamee) slamming his Buster Sword into the ground, sparks flying everywhere.]

CLOUD:
"You're going down, Sephiroth!"

SEPHIROTH (holding a hot dog):
"Yeah? How 'bout you ketchup first?"

[Smash cut to a chaotic battle: Summons exploding, materia glowing, and Sephiroth inexplicably doing the Waterboy tackle on Barret.]

BARRET (IDRIS ELBA):
"What the @#&*! is WRONG with you!?"

SEPHIROTH (shrugs):
"Sorry, I got carried away. MAKO does crazy things to a guy!"

[Quick cuts of Tifa (ZENDAYA) roundhouse kicking, Red XIII (SETH ROGEN) looking confused, and Cid (CHRIS PRATT) lighting a cigarette as explosions rage around him.]


[SEPHIROTH dramatically holds out his hand to summon Meteor, only for it to fizzle.]

SEPHIROTH:
"Oops. Forgot to charge my materia. Hooba-dooba!"

[Cue a montage of absurdly cheesy scenes: Sephiroth singing karaoke at the Gold Saucer, riding a Chocobo in slow motion, and doing an awkward thumbs-up while Jenova facepalms in the background.]

NARRATOR:
The fate of the planet... is in their hands.

[CUT TO: Sephiroth dancing awkwardly with a group of Shinra grunts as "One-Winged Angel" plays in a disco remix.]

SEPHIROTH (to camera):
"This summer... we’re wingin’ it!"

NARRATOR:
FINAL FANTASY VII: THE MOVIE Coming soon to a theater near you.

[Cue Sephiroth saying, "Chocobros before Hojo," followed by a record scratch and Cloud facepalming.]

>>212964036
Cut off the adrenochrome

YOU'RE GONNA DIE, CLOUD

[Opening Scene: A panoramic view of Midgar under the glow of mako reactors. The screen fades to black. Intense orchestral music builds.]

NARRATOR:
This summer...

[CUT TO: A shadowy figure with long, silver hair steps into view, silhouetted against a roaring fire.]

NARRATOR:
...one wing will fall.

[The camera pans up, revealing ADAM SANDLER as SEPHIROTH. His face is overly serious, but his voice... unmistakably Sandler.]

SEPHIROTH :
"Cloud... you can't HANDLE my moves! Shoo-ba-dee-boo!"

[CUT TO: Cloud Strife (played by a brooding Timothy Chalamee) slamming his Buster Sword into the ground, sparks flying everywhere.]

CLOUD:
"You're going down, Sephiroth!"

SEPHIROTH (holding a hotdog):
"Yeah? How 'bout you ketchup first?"

[Smash cut to a chaotic battle: Summons exploding, materia glowing, and Sephiroth inexplicably doing the Waterboy tackle on Barret.]

BARRET (IDRIS ELBA):
"What the @#&*! is WRONG with you!?"

SEPHIROTH (shrugs):
"Sorry, I got carried away. MAKO does crazy things to a guy!"

[Quick cuts of Tifa (ZENDAYA) roundhouse kicking, Red XIII (SETH ROGEN) looking confused, and Cid (CHRIS PRATT) lighting a cigarette as explosions rage around him.]


[SEPHIROTH dramatically holds out his hand to summon Meteor, only for it to fizzle.]

SEPHIROTH:
"Oops. Forgot to charge my materia. Hooba-dooba!"

[Cue a montage of absurdly cheesy scenes: Sephiroth singing karaoke at the Gold Saucer, riding a Chocobo in slow motion, and doing an awkward thumbs-up while Jenova facepalms in the background.]

NARRATOR:
The fate of the planet... is in their hands.

[CUT TO: Sephiroth dancing awkwardly with a group of Shinra grunts as "One-Winged Angel" plays in a disco remix.]

SEPHIROTH (to camera):
"This summer... we’re wingin’ it!"

NARRATOR:
FINAL FANTASY VII: THE MOVIE Coming soon to a theater near you.

[Cue Sephiroth saying, "Chocobros before Hojo," followed by a record scratch and Cloud facepalming.]

>>211359895
YOU'RE GONNA DIE, CLOUD

[Opening Scene: A panoramic view of Midgar under the glow of mako reactors. The screen fades to black. Intense orchestral music builds.]

NARRATOR:
This summer...

[CUT TO: A shadowy figure with long, silver hair steps into view, silhouetted against a roaring fire.]

NARRATOR:
...one wing will fall.

[The camera pans up, revealing ADAM SANDLER as SEPHIROTH. His face is overly serious, but his voice... unmistakably Sandler.]

SEPHIROTH :
"Cloud... you can't HANDLE my moves! Shoo-ba-dee-boo!"

[CUT TO: Cloud Strife (played by a brooding Timothy Chalamee) slamming his Buster Sword into the ground, sparks flying everywhere.]

CLOUD:
"You're going down, Sephiroth!"

SEPHIROTH (holding a hotdog):
"Yeah? How 'bout you ketchup first?"

[Smash cut to a chaotic battle: Summons exploding, materia glowing, and Sephiroth inexplicably doing the Waterboy tackle on Barret.]

BARRET (IDRIS ELBA):
"What the @#&*! is WRONG with you!?"

SEPHIROTH (shrugs):
"Sorry, I got carried away. MAKO does crazy things to a guy!"

[Quick cuts of Tifa (ZENDAYA) roundhouse kicking, Red XIII (SETH ROGEN) looking confused, and Cid (CHRIS PRATT) lighting a cigarette as explosions rage around him.]


[SEPHIROTH dramatically holds out his hand to summon Meteor, only for it to fizzle.]

SEPHIROTH:
"Oops. Forgot to charge my materia. Hooba-dooba!"

[Cue a montage of absurdly cheesy scenes: Sephiroth singing karaoke at the Gold Saucer, riding a Chocobo in slow motion, and doing an awkward thumbs-up while Jenova facepalms in the background.]

NARRATOR:
The fate of the planet... is in their hands.

[CUT TO: Sephiroth dancing awkwardly with a group of Shinra grunts as "One-Winged Angel" plays in a disco remix.]

SEPHIROTH (to camera):
"This summer... we’re wingin’ it!"

NARRATOR:
FINAL FANTASY VII: THE MOVIE Coming soon to a theater near you.

[Cue Sephiroth saying, "Chocobros before Hojo," followed by a record scratch and Cloud facepalming.]