I purchased a laxative from the Dollar General and it's been monumental in improving the quality of my bowel movements. The amount of blood in the toilet bowl has decreased to a few drops and a small strip of blood on the actual log (where I assume it scrapes against some form of wound in my asshole). I don't think that I'm going to die any more, but I'm probably still going to keep you guys posted

Asshole update: I haven't shit since yesterday, but I took a shower and a bit of coagulated blood sloughed out of my ass when I sprayed water into it. I'm kind of terrified I haven't pooped yet, the last one was traumatizing so going a whole day without a movement makes me nervous.
I'm still alive for the time being.

WHEN DID I GET SO OOOOOOOOOOOOOLD