I want to try and stop being so analytical because it starts to make me feel like a robot almost and half human, not quite fully alive.

“It’s time to let old things die” I think this has multiple meanings but instead of spending all this time analyzing things that somehow act to almost keep a person stuck or involved with the past in some way I think instead maybe it’s better to be a part of new things or to look for novel and new experiences because I think that somehow more renewing and less draining and also more in line with my nature maybe.


The only problem I’ve run into, with all this stuff, I think it stems from eastern philosophy most notably Buddhism and god damnit, I don’t think I can just fully live in the present moment. I have a lot of qualms with all that shit.

For one I’ve needed to think just to survive I think. This brings me to two major issues I have. I think I’ve just been spending too much time analyzing shit, I need more variety and novelty in my life but I’m just so used to being poor. That’s basically scared me too, just being as poor as I have been.

Anyway, I think I still have remnants of what could be “giftedness” I have unusual traits that I think are often associated with like genius and giftedness so like I said it makes me seem really unusual.

It’s hard for me not think, I think this seems highly unusual to a lot of people because what I’ve gathered is that it’s not normal to have to think so much most people’s optimal or default state is to not think at all. Which is good to know I guess.

I’m not sure if I can just enjoy life that easily, and not only that I don’t know for sure what enjoyment really is or looks like. I am a man of relatively simple means, I am not sure what this is basically I’m not sure what it is entirely I’m just too damaged or something to easily enjoy life maybe you could say maybe that I’m too wild or something, but deep down I’m not sure