I feel I am beyond salvation

When I was 17 I had a relatively normal life and was in my last year of high school and got into a bunch of decent schools, though I was depressed because over the prior summer I did something bad fueled by spiritual delusions, which later affected a psychotic event in which I believed I was being gangstalked. That event lasted several months; however after I lost my sense of identity, and over the past few years I have been doing little by doom scrolling and being a degenerate jerking off to sick pornography, sometimes improving one small thing like working out again, or trying something, but every time I can go to college I just let it pass over because I am always back in such a shit mental state. I did some stupid pointless things like get in a relationship with a man 9 years older than me, and I once got very strong however became depressed again and starved myself and my parents sent me to a psych ward for a week. I tried going to cosmetology school and fucked up because I made a mean comment about homeless people. It will be over 3 years from now soon and I have wasted so much of my families money and energy but now I do not even have care because all I feel now is anger and hatred; I know I am a shit person but I don't care, I can't hold conversations anymore or have the will to do anything, and even if I did all I would be doing is playing catch up, and I would never get far enough to have anything I wanted, and even if I did I would just be a husk of an individual I am. I have no skills, hobbies, or talents and can not do any adult things. I do not feel sorry for myself and in fact blame myself much and think I do deserve to suffer and be punished but at the same time I still wish I could have some things I wanted or at least just stop existing. But I can't die because I am afraid of that. I have no will to do anything.

Sometimes I cope by telling myself o am dreaming and am going to wake up in a better normal world any minute now.