>>40260449
i want to brew you fancy loose leaf varieties and do tea ceremonies with you nona

Pulled myself back from the edge, sorry if I worried anyone, I'm not used to trying to manage emotions while still feeling. I'll do better.
I still feel like shit about it all but i've got the ideation under control for now.
>>40140756
>Or are your E levels that low to warrant 8 mg E
I'll take pretty much any risk to make sure I'm getting feminising effects. I spent 6 months on 100-150mg Spiro / 2-4mg E in 2023/24, and I'm just not willing to titrate up. Cypro I keep at 12.5mg a day because hrtcafe recommends not going above that. I've spoken to people with good results from mono (EEn/Ev iirc) but none on undercylate. I'm going to get my bloodwork done at the end of the month anyway to figure it out, but no way to confirm if I can monotherapy in time for other stuff really
>a surefire way of getting yourself out of the closet fast
So, odd bit of personal lore but I know a guy who knows the guys who do all our clearance vetting, for the most part they care about essentially finances and if you've been talking to like the IRGC or FSB. I don't think they'd flag me buying HRT (even if it wasnt all done through crypto at least recently) and that info wouldn't get passed on anyway (they don't tell you why you don't get a clearance if you don't - or tell anyone else).
I guess my priority is just being able to stealth for the ~35ish weeks of phase 1 / phase 2 training, where my only real worry is the blood test you do in phase 1 (which would flag my hormone levels if they check them but they may not check them). The upside of monotherapy is all that would flag is low T / high E. My understanding though, is that test is 99% looking for recreational drugs and/or steroids (PEDs generally) but there are people on roids in the army who have evaded that test before.
My hardcope is that if I just explain my situation (should I get caught) that they might understand, which feels delusional as someone who has a deep distrust from others which is why I'm closeted in the first place.

Bought myself some womens hiking trousers and a sports bra, so I guess I can technically boygirlmode now, although it's obviously not exactly a passing girlmode.
>>40033414
>thinking of discomfort as a biological expression of need rather than a purely emotional response.
I've been making a run at that the last couple of days. 6 days on shift and my knee pain was acting up so I've just been forcing myself to sit around at home the last 2 days (I should say, this is as much an issue of handling physical discomfort as emotional). My brain is screaming at me to do something though.
>that sounds like a survival response stemming from learned behaviour
It probably is, I was thinking this earlier, although I'm struggling to pin down which memories/experiences are the main triggers (especially for aggression, which is frustrating as someone who wants to be able to explain themselves, I can sort of understand why I go non-verbal sometimes at least).
I'm not really used to forgiveness from people, honestly, I was saying somewhere else, but I had an unprompted extremely vivid dream about outing myself a while back and it just mostly involved the shit getting beaten out of me, which I think probably indicates where my head is at (and like I know on an objective level, my queerness/transness isn't even something that should need to be forgiven and isn't a fault but it sure doesnt feel that way).
I'm slowly trying to exposure therapy the problem away but of course, in this case, the behaviour mostly triggers at work, and I can't discuss sensitive topics there.
It'd be nice to be able to run purely off my emotive brain around someone (rather than rely on objective override), but yea, don't feel safe doing that.
>>40036638
>I thought maybe she’d be able to offer some useful advice
Just as an observer, it sort of sounds like she hasn't adopted healthy behaviour in regards to that so not sure you'd get useful advice if she did offer any