I woke up after having a bunch of flashbacks of how shit I have been as a friend in the past in my dream
I'm diagnosed with aspergers. When I was 12 and younger I had a handful of friends. One from school. Some of my cousins. A friend I made when I temporarily moved into a housing estate while my family's house was being built, and I just fucked it all up so bad. Not that I did something, but more what I didn't do. I haven't had a friend since 12 years old. I don't even know how to socialise anymore. I'm so fucking stupid. I never deserved the friends I had, I was so bad at friendships but they still tried. I even pushed my cousins away, we all used to be very close. I was going through a rough time all throughout my teens so I just isolated myself, shut myself off from the world. Now i'm a stranger to my extended family more or less. Recently I've been trying however. I've been going to family events for a few years now. Well, mostly it was because my grandfather, granduncle and grandmother all died in the span of 4 years, so i've been seeing my family more. But I find that i'm still so socially inept
I don't know why my mind decided to play back every moment I fucked up all of a sudden. It's a bit late for that. Nearly two decades late. I feel so shit about myself right now
