>>76554585
She was one of those extreme sports tomboy types. She also had a touch of the ‘tism and did not care what anyone thought about her. She had zero reservations about speaking her mind, could take a joke, and loved dishing them back out. That she was my exact type looks-wise was a bonus too. In the years since I have known her, I have made changes in my life to become more of the kind of man those kinds of girls would theoretically want, and looking back I recognize now that she truly did not give a shit about me, but girls like her are so rare and now that she’s married it disheartens me even more that it wasn’t me. It’s like I had the carrot dangled in front of me only to be told “Just kidding, it’s not for you.”

>>212110613
>>212111048
>>212111306
This shit hurts me more every time I see it, and it’s because every time I do, more time has passed since I crossed the point of no return of ever getting to experience this. It hurts me every time I’m around my family and see my nieces and nephews. I feel like I’m getting kicked in the head while I’m already down on my hands and knees. Everywhere I go and everyone I meet sees nothing but the hundreds of layers of masks I have put on myself. I will have no legacy, I will not be remembered after my death, I will just be known as that one uncle who doesn’t show up to things much, doesn’t get along with his family, and spends all his time alone. I’m so crippled by it that even though I get interest from girls and go on dates, I’m just not there. All I can think the entire time is that it’s all for nothing and that I’m wasting my time. I’ve relegated my life to just surrounding myself with machines and enjoying the bread and circuses, because — God help me — that’s all I’ve got left.