>>83053711
>I dont think anything is gonna make me happy
That's not true. If conventional methods fail, you can always self-medicate. Try a little Opiates for example. I'm sure you'll be happy then. And it can be functional and sustainable if you stick to a few rules, avoid addiction, and set your dose right.
>I've been having suicidal ideation for so long I've started to enjoy them
I've had suicidal thoughts for almost a decade (now gone for +4 years). I was comforted by the thought of dying often. At some point I had a noose hanging in my room for a month waiting for me to have the courage. I got close a few times, and tightened the rope around my neck a couple of times, but didn't jump. And I'm glad I didn't as my life has gotten better the last 4 years. But with you it's not a situational thing, it's your nature in a way, or so I see it. So it's more difficult to address.
>So CBT helps me shut down the thoughts stopping me from roping
So maybe tell about that effect to your therapist so they can modify the treatment accordingly? Or quit CBT?
>perhaps some people just can't be0 fixed
While I currently presume some people are born to die, I can't shake off the feeling of hope. I think there's always hope. Life will get better as long as you act to make them better, I always say. There's always light at the end of the tunnle, no matter how long it seems. There's hope for you yet. You have things you care about in this world and that's more than what some people can say. Maybe try a private psychiatrist if talking therapy didn't work maybe meds will?
I wish you all the luck in getting better. In my experience, once you get rid of suicidal thoughts they don't tend to come back. So I hope you ride it out to the other side in one piece.
In the end, laugh and the world laughs with you weep and you weep alone.

>>82504338
It stopped being a lighthearted, interesting thread about the realities of sex-work, and became a very serious and somber thread on the subject of sex-trafficking.
>it's almost a 100000 eur
Wow, that's fucked up. How and why did you agree to those terms in your contract?
You are basically a classic slavery victim, just so you know.
I am so sorry you got stuck in this horrible trap, anon. I guess you'll have to figure it out with your parents on Tuesday. But I think your parents opinion about your line of work should be the least of your concerns, being a sex slave and all. I cannot grasp how you are so nonchalant about the fact that you are not a free person, and so young, as well.
*Really hope this is a larp at this point T_T*

There are anti sex trafficking organizations who are active in europe that will help you get out and will protect you, should you choose to seek help, which I think you should; just search them on google: "anti sex trafficking organizations near me", the first result is a hotline service that will connect you with the proper organization.
I don't know what else to say.
Goodluck, anon. May you be free once again soon.

"Laugh and the world laughs with you, weep and you weep alone"-keep in mind; as the dark times that approach will become present before you know it.

>>82493673
>i dont want it to be painless i want it to fucking hurt
That's odd since suicidal people usually want to end suffering not have more of it.
>i want to suffer the way ive made everyone who has ever loved me suffer
I'm sure it's not that bad and they wouldn't want you to suffer, anon.
>i deserve to get my teeth and finger nails pulled out with pliers
See? That kind of self-depricating attitude leads you to the wrong path of self loathing and suffering. Say something nice about yourself, for once. Don't fetishize your misery as it is a trap, overcome it insted. I'm sure you are a lovely person inside, anon. Let him out to breath a bit, huh?
Laugh, and the world laughs with you, weep, and you weep alone.