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be Simon
show up to dbg fight in Gurren Lagann, copying Kamina Aniki as hard as I can
opponent walks in
SSSSSSSSSMOKIN’
it’s The Mask
green-faced cartoon lunatic wearing zoot suit
w-well what can he even do he doesn’t even worship Kamina
Mask pulls out bike pump from his hat and stabs it into my shoe
guffaws “BIIIIIIIGGER iiiss BETTER!”
he jams on it and Gurren Lagann inflates like a balloon, then pops
I fall out of cockpit in white boxers
"EXTRA EXTRA SMALL" printed on front, Yoko points and laughs at me
try to summon spiral energy, it's not going up
Mask hands me a little blue pill
"Take one of these, gets your spirit drill spinning again, if ya know what I mean."
I swallow it desperately and it blows up in my face. Covered in black soot and a red mouth, I look like a Minstrel show
cue laugh track
flailing, I try punching him
he easily dodges by stretching his neck
does a backflip over me
WHOOHOO!
when he lands Mask puts on Kamina glasses
"You wouldn’t hurt your Biiiig Brooooo would ya?!"
“K-KAMINA ANIKI??!!! R-R-ROW ROW FIGHT THE POWER, WH-WH-WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM…”
he rips them off, slaps me with them and they break
"Ooh! I’ll take Insecure Manlet for $500, Jim!"
screaming with tears running down my chubby face, I go super edgy and fuse with Anti-Spiral
The Mask whips out a dialphone and calls in his elite superteam: the Looney Tunes
Road Runner blitzes me
Bugs Bunny pokes my Kamina mech in the eyes
Daffy Duck dropkicks me into a black hole labeled “RELEVANCE”
try one last attack
“This is for Nia!!!”
Mask pulls out marriage certificate
Too late “Little Bro”, we eloped in Vegas last night!
She appears at his side and they make out in front of me
I get a boner and scream in agony as my Spiral Power leaves me and I am sucked into the abyss
later
sobbing in bottomless pit of irrelevance
Mask moonwalks in front of camera playing the saxophone
THIS IS THE PART WHERE YOU BOOGIE THIS IS THE PART WHERE YOU DANCE