>>33488608
I try to hide these feelings, because the vultures are lurking. My life is incredibly hard & full of bottomless pain & agony. Like, i couldnt even type everything out in one night if i was jacked up on adderall. I cannot believe this is my life. Im fucking scared. Im scared that i wont measure up & be the man she needs me to be. Thinking of her getting pounded by a man whos wealthy asf and has half the trauma i do, and a bigger dick, just breaks everything inside of me. She is the girl i wanted. She is the only girl i love. I dont want anybody else. I've done the impossible, over and over, to survive and stay alive up to this point, but the walls are closing in. I feel like brad pitt from the movie "Fury" when he went to take a smoke break and started spiraling, but just ate it & didnt say shit or tell anyone. That is my reality every single day. Silent screaming. My ONE shot at life, and this is what i was dealt? This is a fucking horrifying nightmare. I cannot believe this is the cards i was dealt. I was OK with all the trauma i endured, making a clean escape. But telling me that my creative work isnt going to get me the life i've worked so hard for so long for? Suicide. I've already soft launched the idea of me not being around anymore to my gf, and that she should move on and find someone better / more stable. If she does, theres no point for me to live, as gay as that sounds.