Thread 33488606

So uhhhh i've been having trouble lately with life. Im the type of man that keeps everything bottled in.. until it explodes into a cringe psycho rant. I've gotten better at this but its still an issue. Im terribly anxious sometimes. I dont talk about my problems to anyone except the seldom times i ask my mother or father for advice, which isnt often bc i consider myself leagues above them intellectually & emotionally, no offense. But they are the only people i have. I've straight up told my mom i wanted to join the army strictly just to kill people, and she frowned, said "Noo" and shrugged it off. I desperately need therapy but i only have state health insurance, which doesnt cover any therapists remotely close to me (Dont have a car either). Im the type of guy who seems well composed on the outside, never showing emotion or vulnerability infront of anyone because i was raised in survival, not love. This is a dog eat dog world, unfortunately, and i am all alone. I have so many things i desperately need to talk to someone about, esp these days. Im scared, genuinely terrified, for the first time in my life. Idk what the f to do. Cant find a job. College isnt an option (poorfag). I dont have friends. I dont even know if i have a gf (Weird vague relationship, shes also abusive but sweet sometimes?). Im a MAN. Im suppose to figure things out. I live 10 steps ahead in the future, constantly. The niche hobby i poured my money, life force, and 15yrs of my life into, seems like its not going to work out, which is crazy bc i have that "X factor" in being successful. All the big name artists constantly steals concepts & ideas that I CREATE. I have no way to get a lawyer and get my shit back. I put all my eggs in this basket & was convinced i was going to succeed, but God decided to place me in creative slavery.

>>33488606 (OP)
If God wasnt a dick and my life panned out the way it should have, i'd be a billionaire by now. I've gotten to the point where i hyper-ventilate atleast once a day, but i eat it every single time so my folks dont worry about me. Im scared that i wont become the man that has everything figured out. Im so terribly alone. Im stuck in the middle of bum fuck rural jungle, and my survival is 1000% on me. No help at all. Im madly in love with this girl i have a weird relationship with, but it terrifies me to my core that the reality of me not being able to provide & protect for her, increaes every single day. I deeply love her, and want to marry her & have children, but i have deep seated irrational fears that she cheats on me behind my back with better men than myself. I consider myself a 9/10 rn, if i lost weight easy 10/10. I have a 10/10 personality. Im responsible, hard working, dilligent in keeping myself healthy, excellent survival skills, a "winner" type, and God fearing. But my fears are growing by the day. It absolutely breaks my soul that my sweet baby is going to cheat on me / leave me for someone better than me. I've dealt with brutal heartbreak before, but i havent loved anyone like i love her. She broke my spirit into pieces by insinuating that she cheated on me, and im pretty sure i found videos of her on here & other sites of her fucking another dude, and it just broke everything inside of me. Im have a bigger & nicer penis than all of them (Heh), but FUCK MAN, that is MY WOMAN!!!! I want her to MYSELF & MYSELF ONLY. HER AND HER EXCUSES OF BEING ANXIOUS ARE SLOWLY KILLING ME. I NEED HER, IN REAL LIFE, TO BE THERE FOR ME & HOLD ME.

>>33488608
I try to hide these feelings, because the vultures are lurking. My life is incredibly hard & full of bottomless pain & agony. Like, i couldnt even type everything out in one night if i was jacked up on adderall. I cannot believe this is my life. Im fucking scared. Im scared that i wont measure up & be the man she needs me to be. Thinking of her getting pounded by a man whos wealthy asf and has half the trauma i do, and a bigger dick, just breaks everything inside of me. She is the girl i wanted. She is the only girl i love. I dont want anybody else. I've done the impossible, over and over, to survive and stay alive up to this point, but the walls are closing in. I feel like brad pitt from the movie "Fury" when he went to take a smoke break and started spiraling, but just ate it & didnt say shit or tell anyone. That is my reality every single day. Silent screaming. My ONE shot at life, and this is what i was dealt? This is a fucking horrifying nightmare. I cannot believe this is the cards i was dealt. I was OK with all the trauma i endured, making a clean escape. But telling me that my creative work isnt going to get me the life i've worked so hard for so long for? Suicide. I've already soft launched the idea of me not being around anymore to my gf, and that she should move on and find someone better / more stable. If she does, theres no point for me to live, as gay as that sounds.

>>33488612
I'd be a husk of myself, even if i became rich & successful. But im at a point where i get neither the desired success, or im able to provide for the girl i love most. Is so incredibly heartbreaking. I feel like gutteral screaming in agony, but i feel like im also being watched. I've attempted suicide over 20 times the past month, but im a fucking coward. I stood on the train tracks, and the train got about 30 feet from me before i instinctively jumped away. Im scared that i'll never get the balls to kms, and ill be stuck in this poorfag state while my gf is getting her shit rocked by another man, and im forever stuck in wage-slaving at best, with nothing to show for it. No girl is going to want a man that lives at home at fucking 29. I have no house, no car, no job, no education, no wife, no kids, no friends, NO HELP!!! I dont think i can live like this much longer. I promised her a 40 acres and a mule dream life, but all its looking like is me giving her NOTHING AT ALL EXCEPT MY BROKEN SELF. Shes going to eventually leave me once she realizes its a pipe dream, which is fucked up because i genuinely thought i could ask God for anything, and that all i want. I want HER & $1.5 billion dollars in reperations for the slavery & my NIGHTMARE LIFE. I think im broken. I cant believe this. If i get drunk enough, i can curb my survival instincts, but i cant even fucking afford a $25 dollar bottle of liquor.

>>33488617
Im insanely depressed & hopelessly despairing. She has deprived me of touch for 4 years. I probably look fucking pathetic to the outside world. I thought she was a bit autistic like me, which is why i accepted the slow moving relationship. No, FUCK THAT. I need to feel SOMETHING. Im drowning right now, and i need to pin her down and fuck the horny out of her. I HAVE NEEDS AS A MAN. I fucking bet shes been getting fucked behind my back this whole time. Wtf am i even doing still being with her? All she does is fucking break my soul into pieces, and its messed up because i cant tell if shes actually pure, but a bit anxious, or if shes lowkey a semen demon & has been humiliating me this whole time. Fuck my fucking life. I cannot do this anymore. Anons, 4chan, i have been browsing her since 2014. I've never made any friends from here, but i've been a faithful lurker & a responding watchmen to other anons like me. I genuinely, wholeheartedly believe that im in my final days. Im too dumb to pick up a new shtick, and too crushed to continue forward. I dont document anything in my life, but i hope this last post on here, atleast 1 person remembers it. I tried so fucking hard in life. I beat impossible odds to just even be alive today, but it was too fucking much. I wish somebody would hold me. Fuck me i need to be held so badly & be told its going to be okay & FOR ONCE IN MY MAN LIFE BE OKAY WITH BEING VULNERABLE & COME APART IN SOMEONES ARMS. Idk if i can do that with my gf. She'll probably get the ick. But, my plans these days, are just getting a simple part time job, so i can pay off my debts, and save up for a gun & a large bottle of vodka & a weekend stay at a hotel, where i'll blow my brains out & finally be at peace. Jesus fucking Christ i did not know a life could be riddled with so much pain & suffering.

>>33488622
My body is dying & i dont care to fix or maintain it anymore. Im scared that im going to end up in hell, because i had to do a lot of psychopathic shit to survive & end up on "top", whatever that means anymore. I've been mean to God, because Hes my only listener, but HE DOESNT SAY A WORD TO ME WHEN I NEED HIM THE MOST. Im going to ultimately end up dammned, forever lost in a pocket of hell. Atleast i wont have to pay bills or stress about doing a good job. Atleast i can show my true nature & not have to worry about hurting more people or the "good" people constantly judging me. FUCK. I love you guys. Im glad 4chan existed. This is where i belong. But im not going to live to see my 30's. Its too much, bros. I'll see you guys on the other side, im throwing in the white flag. Promise me you'll look out for younger 4chinners, okay? If they are hurting on their posts, please reach out & respond with genuine advice & kindness. It was nice knowing you & serving along side you guys in the 2015-2025 meme war.

Bro wrote his biography on the Croatian skydiving forum and expected people to read it

>>33488606 (OP)
I'm not reading all that. But are there any mental health charities near you that might offer cut-price talking therapy? You should check out online stuff like betterhelp.com as well.

>>33488724
Thats not even a tenth of my life story.

>>33488756
I doubt it. Long story short, i developed a very sick knot in my soul, and i really need like top tier, top of the country type of help to even sort my shit out. I'd just stress out the regular therapists & end up wasting time & money. I know that sounds pretentious as fuck but my life was fucking brutal.

>>33488606 (OP)
PART 1
I was in a shitty relationship that started out really good but she was homeless and a lot younger than me and I was breaking my literal neck to keep a roof over our head either with family or in hotels and extended stays. I recently became a felon so I can't get a job anywhere. I'd get her jobs but she was only 19 so she'd get them and quit. She'd get mad over something really small or dumb and literally quit the jobs not taking into consideration that this means we lose the literal roof over our head. She wouldn't even care. She'd get so angry that she'd literally put us on the street then have the audacity to talk about me not having my stuff together. The day before we broke up she snapped. Mind you this was a girl that built my confidence. That showed me that I can be a man, that showed me that I can make a woman happy. She snapped and lost all respect for me, she started talking about how I'm a loser and a woman beater and I'm never gonna have my life together, never gonna be nothing blah blah. This is coming from a girl that me and my family literally housed, fed and clothed for over a year. A girl that I had to take to the store when we first met because she didn't even have sox or underwear or a purse. A girl that I had to put on foodstamps and medical coverage because she was too retarded and lazy to do it herself. Needless to say, when she crossed the line and disrespected me like that and threatened to leave that was my last straw. We were at a hotel (that my mom payed for) and I woke up the next morning, acted like I was going to the lobby to get a drink and left her there and haven't seen her since. She literally left that hotel and went straight to another dudes house that she cheated on me with while I was in jail and he ended up putting her out and now she's basically homeless, couch surfing, texting me asking to get stuff.

>>33488606 (OP)
PART 2
You can't put your happiness in your girls hands or in the hands of others. You don't need to be a billionaire to be a dope music artist. The world doesn't owe you anything. Not a wife, not love, not a good time, not friends, not material items. Nothing. You have to create your reality. You sound like a bit of a crybaby desu. I hate to say it cause I know you're in pain but come on dude. You think you're the only one going thru shit? It could be so much worse trust me. Your girl could do you so much worse. My girl literally put another dude on the phone when I was locked up. We kept arguing then I called like a week later and a guy picked up and said "Yeah I'm smashing your girl right now stop calling, I literally went to my cell and balled my eyes out like a lame." Then, months later we get back cool then some kid stole her number off a piece of paper in my cell, starts calling her behind my back and she starts a whole relationship with him. Imagine your girl, who put you in jail, that lived with you and your 75 year old grandma telling some kid she's never even met that she loves him and is, gonna put money on his books and marry him when he gets out. So all that lil shit you're talking about I don't even wanna hear it. Shit could be so much worse. You've never gone thru real shit so you're weak as hell. People like you really do end up killing themselves cause you've never been thru shit so when shit gets rough you can't handle life. Brake up with that girl, get a car and get someone who gives you what you need dude. Ever since I broke with my ex I have like 5 new girlfriends that are a MILLION times better than she was. Who actually love me and don't wanna cheat.

>>33488803
I really fucking feel that. Idk wtf is wrong with modern women. Im not even a man hater or anything, but its like they have lost all sense of decency & gratitude. Like they grew up in the fucking wilderness & dont understand civility one bit. Thats shitty that she did that to you, deserves to be homeless. You could be carrying the literal world like an atlas anon, and she would poke & bitch at you for contracting your muscles & slouching for .5 seconds. Genuinely, what the actual FUCK happened to women? Even gen x women are atleast grateful & TRY to help their man. Its like the wild fucking west these days, where apparently every single female on earth has ignored entire human history & the millions of hours of slaving & work that men put in to make life a paradise for them. Literally all you have to do as a woman is be an extra set of hands to help your man out & make his life even 1% easier. That 1% would go a long way to every guy out there trying. They cant even manage that. Its like a fucking arcade game to them.
>hmmm lemme compare men at my disposal and see which one can give give give to MEEEEEEEEEEE the most
>"ooop, what is that? a sign of STRUGGLE? >:( no no no, im out!
Then they have the audacity to accuse men of being DL or a fag when they eventually get left behind, when most men know that men can be better women than 99% of women, and that its fucking better to die alone and childless with a man posing as a woman than it is to genuinely put yourself & your heart out there only to get RAPED by the abomination that is the heartless modern woman. They make life so fucking miserable that JESUS even contemplates coming back & restoring order, out of a deep sadness for the state of the world & pity on lonely average men.

>>33488821
Oh, alright. Did you ignore the slavery part? I literally was the inspiration to big name artists work. There are movies that have been made after me. I get what your saying, but i didnt spill my ENTIRE life out, just what i was going thru in the moment. Honestly man, fuck you. You have no idea what i've been thru. I probably endured 10x what you endured if you want to take it there. But i dont have shit to prove to you. Fuck off for calling me weak. Im probably 10 times stronger than you. You have no idea.

>>33488606 (OP)
PART 3
You don't need money or recognition to be an artist. Technology has made it to where you can literally be a celebrity from home. Stop worrying about all the extras and just create. Make a youtube page and a soundcloud, upload your music and pay for ad campaigns on youtube and google dude. It's not rocket science. If you do that and stay consistent, I guarantee you'll grow a fan base or at least get some small following. Especially if you aren't afraid to show yourself and be on camera. Stop worrying about what everyone thinks. Grow a pair and leave that girl and get a girl who views you as a win for her, who won't cheat or make you think they wanna cheat or would cheat. Love yourself and your body and your dick size no matter how big it is and don't let anyone bodyshame you. Talking about a mans dick is a form of bodyshaming and a very bad one at that. If she doesn't like it trust me, there's a woman out there that will. Never give up on love. I don't care how bad things get or how hopeless you feel. There will always even on your worst day, even if you live under a bridge, be someone out there waiting for you to find them or waiting to find you. It's so easy to make friends online and talk to girls you just have to know the sites to do it on. Look at your future with optimism and positivity. You have a bright future and stop judging your life and everything you go thru. Think about what you're learning from it instead and how you can grow from it. Start turning your Ls into Ws, that's the simplest form of alchemy. Make a plan and set goals for yourself and stop feeling sorry for yourself. Productivity is the key. No matter what stay busy and stay out of your head. You are a man, you can provide for and make a woman happy, you just have to want it bad enough. Same with happiness, when you get tired of being down and feeling sorry for yourself you'll do something to make it better.

>>33488854
This is the only time i decided to vent on social media. I dont live my life like this. This was a genuine moment of weakness. What tf do you think i've been doing this entire 15years? I've gotten advice you've given me, at 12 years old. Its almost normie tier advice. I wouldnt be despairing on here if i didnt first give it my absolute all, for over a decade. Shit just does not work out for me. Im a high target christian and im ambushed at anything i attempt to start. This world is ruled by satan, and he fucking hates me so much. Thats why i've resorted to lamenting on 4chan and considering suicide. I cannot get ahead in this life for the LIFE OF ME. Believe me i have tried it all, and on top of trying, im bombarded with BULLSHIT HEAVY OPPOSITION EVERY SINGLE DAY. I have broken out of my victim complex & im still here trying to tell you thats its fucking impossible.

>>33488850
Making a post like this crying over not being held and over a girl cheating on you is weak for a 29 year old man. I wasn't tryna offend you tho, it's just my delivery and the way I talk but the fact you said fuck me after I tried to give you advice says a lot. It kind of explains your predicament. Good luck tho. Your life is a product of your decisions, no one else. Karma is real and the energy you put out is gonna come back to you. Maybe you should ponder that a while.

>>33488768
>I know that sounds pretentious as fuck
You're right. It does. And moreover it's not a decision you are not qualified to make. Talk to *someone* and let them figure out whether they can help you or not. Don't try and diagnose yourself.

>>33488889
>it's not a decision you are not qualified to make.
*It's not a decision you are qualified to make.

>>33488887
Your right man. My life was cash money out the womb, and i never encountered pain a second in my life. Im a weak beta and ill take your advice and man up!

>>33488889
sigh.

>>33488606 (OP)
>vent
I wont' read it.