>>40733041
date the personification of my worst ongoing nightmare in my adult life. definitely not. the gender swapped version of myself is the outcome I never want to see. I feel like a scientist with amnesia trying to stop an experiment he created that isn't in his control anymore. keeping myself as nonbinary amab helps a bit when you have those letting the tv glow moments and makes them a bit more pleasant in that headspace. though even if they are subtle things that don't really mean much or aren't a sign of any real change that would frighten me, it still feels wrong. in my defiance I became the same blip on a statistic sheet I've tried to avoid since it started my only hope is finding all the connecting reasonings I'm this way and form some type of logic box in my mind so it doesn't progress anymore and hopefully move on
