>struggling with depression, anxiety, social phobia my entire life
>get fit and lose weight
>still feel like a sub human
>borderline suicidal, can't feel like myself in crowded places, feel like a fucking alien who doesn't belong anywhere and has no rights to exist
>meet a girl
>really really like her
>think i should shoot my shot and try and ask her for a date
>she's a lesbian (for real)
>she declines my advances but she wants me to join her friend group because apparently she thinks i'm interesting in some way (i really don't know why)
>i think she's cool and i can't interact with her any other way
>whatever, i'm a loner, i NEED to connect to people because i'm so fucking lonely i'm going insane
>anxious as fuck because i never did well in groups
>meet up with her group of friends (like a dozen of people)
>they're all completely fucking different ranging from a literally schizophrenic guy to a hypersocial megaslut who spends half of the meetup trying to get into the lesbian girl's pants and flirting with everyone (me included (no i didn't fuck her))
>they're all really cool people
>vibe and talk well with basically everyone present
>people respond to me well
>i feel comfortable just sitting around listening to them talk and just being there
>i finally fit in
>i don't even have to use a mask or something because i can basically say whatever the hell comes to my head and (most) people somehow like it
>end up talking to a younger girl about pretending to be a girl in an MMO to get gold and items from simps, she tells me how she pretends to be a man online to start shit in male dominated online communities, explain her that an episode of Xavier Renegade Angel "Going Normal" had a plot like this and she liked it
>spend like 15 hours with them
>leave feeling great and leaving a positive impression on everyone
>lesbian bro now considers me a part of the group as well and wants to see more of me
This feeling is so complex i don't think anyone will ever relate to this

I can't even talk about my problems here they're too complex. Might as well say i'm just fucked. I'm too far gone. I'm so far up the metaphorical ass even if i climb out of it all i'm going to see is asscheeks. I'm just fundamentally broken and nothing can fix it even if i spend a shitload of time and money into it. I'm destined to die alone because i'm mentally ill and not the cool kind of mentally ill like BPD, psychopathy or narcissism
I don't plan my suicide because i know when the time comes i will just grab the nearest sharp object and stab my throat multiple times until i start gargling on my own blood. That's the manliest way to go right after harakiri or a gunshot to the temple.