Anonymous
7/17/2025, 2:23:42 PM No.212811621
>“Welcome to another year at Hogwarts!”, boomed Dumbledore calmly. It was the first evening of the school year and the students were seated in the hall. The wizened old headmaster paced back and forth in front of the main table, gathering his thoughts.
>“I know you are all anxious to begin the feast, but there are a few ground rules that we need to go over before the start of this academic year. Given the events of the last term, a number of new restrictions have been put in place."
>“Firstly, there will be no more WhizBangs inserted into other students’ rectums! Yes, even if it is consensual, Fred Weasley! I simply cannot condone more than three or four reconstructive anal surgeries to take place per school year.”
>"The constant littering in the restrooms will stop immediately. Our caretaker, Mr. Filch, spent this past summer trying to recuperate from a particularly embarrassing case of gonorrhea having to clean up after you lot. If I hear of one more used Bertie Bott’s Every-Flavor Condoms found on the school grounds I will personally revoke all of Slytherin’s points!”
>Dumbledore paused, then began to stretch his mouth again, “On a similar note, graffiti is strictly forbidden. Last semester, Hogwarts was defaced by a spree of senseless vandalism. We found the initials ‘DEH’ carved no less than one hundred forty-seven times into the castle walls, desks, and even Mr. Filch’s cat.”
>“Lastly, in order to enforce these new rules, I have hired a platoon of private contractors to patrol the grounds. Yes, many of them are dementors or ex-Azkaban prisoners, but until some of your parents cough up your tuition fees, I’m afraid Hogwarts will have to settle for the lowest bidder. In light of the fact that some of the ex-cons have not been sufficiently reformed, I have generously given each student a rape whistle and signed them up for a self-defence class at Bunn’s Gun and Run (formerly Snape’s) in Hogsmeade.”
>“I know you are all anxious to begin the feast, but there are a few ground rules that we need to go over before the start of this academic year. Given the events of the last term, a number of new restrictions have been put in place."
>“Firstly, there will be no more WhizBangs inserted into other students’ rectums! Yes, even if it is consensual, Fred Weasley! I simply cannot condone more than three or four reconstructive anal surgeries to take place per school year.”
>"The constant littering in the restrooms will stop immediately. Our caretaker, Mr. Filch, spent this past summer trying to recuperate from a particularly embarrassing case of gonorrhea having to clean up after you lot. If I hear of one more used Bertie Bott’s Every-Flavor Condoms found on the school grounds I will personally revoke all of Slytherin’s points!”
>Dumbledore paused, then began to stretch his mouth again, “On a similar note, graffiti is strictly forbidden. Last semester, Hogwarts was defaced by a spree of senseless vandalism. We found the initials ‘DEH’ carved no less than one hundred forty-seven times into the castle walls, desks, and even Mr. Filch’s cat.”
>“Lastly, in order to enforce these new rules, I have hired a platoon of private contractors to patrol the grounds. Yes, many of them are dementors or ex-Azkaban prisoners, but until some of your parents cough up your tuition fees, I’m afraid Hogwarts will have to settle for the lowest bidder. In light of the fact that some of the ex-cons have not been sufficiently reformed, I have generously given each student a rape whistle and signed them up for a self-defence class at Bunn’s Gun and Run (formerly Snape’s) in Hogsmeade.”
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