Thread 213560775

We pretend how /tv/ would react to LOTR if it came out today

gay

it would be based kino
there would be mega controversy over too many white people
it would get bad professional reviews for that reason

>>213560775 (OP)
>no big booty latinas
Shit franchise.

>>213560775 (OP)
Why did they replace Glorfindel’s role with Arwen? She’s barely in the books. Woke nonsense.

>>213560897
based
fast and furious is more my style anyway since the white guy gets the latina

Is there a fan edit that cuts these films down? The theatrical editions are too long.

>>213560933
I wonder what all of the things that would be lambasted as being woke would be?
Off the top of my head:
-anything that Arwen, Galadriel, and Eowyn do
-casting a gay man to be Gandalf
I actually can't think of anything else

>>213560830
>literally ZERO blacks or asians
>middle eastern people are in, but are the bad guys
>the strongest race, the elves, are all perfect looking white people who do not racemix
Oh yeah, this would be getting called the sequel to Mein Kampf in today's world

>>213560775 (OP)
>everyone who's not evil is white
>no gays
>only 3 women speaking and they're not girlbosses
>no subversive shit, evil is evil and gets defeated
>no muh poor refugees analogy, everyone stays in their own ethnically homogeneous country unless invited
Journos and twittards would be malding.

>>213560775 (OP)
>Taps sign

>>213560775 (OP)
It would have flopped like The Northman despite receiving good critical reviews and /tv/ would call Peter Jackson a hack before returning to capeshit spam

/tv/ would have an aneurism if RotK came out today, with Eowyn killing the Witch King

>>213562034
It was dumb then, and it's dumb now

>>213561969
>t. Robert Eggers

>>213561150
>elves don't racemix

>>213561341
Rightwingers would see a conspiracy that the White sourcerer became evil in the films while he turned to rainbowflag magician in the books

>>213560775 (OP)
Literally nothing would be different. People would say the "I am no man" thing is retarded, just like they did when RotK came out.

>>213561341
>everyone who's not evil is white

Given the location of Angmar, the Witch King must have been white pre-transformation, and I'd guess some or most of the other Naz'gul were too. To judge by the Silmarillion, Sauron preferred a "fair" or white form when he was among humans, and maybe he'd identify as a white man if asked. Saruman is evil and is white - THE WHITE. Wormtongue is also evil. Smeagol was white.

These were all important named characters with dialogue. Meanwhile, the nonwhite villains are just extras and they don't say a single word.

People would rip Jackson a new one for the creative liberties he took, just like we did back in the day

>>213564872
Saruman gave up the title of White and wanted to be Saruman of Many Colors when he turned evil, but I don't think anything about that made it into Jackson's movies.

>>213564902
the obsession with "accurate to the source material" (as though that's inherently good, when it's an ADAPTATION) is annoying
but
the BBC Radio version will always be the best balance, overall

>>213564978
Saruman of POC

>>213560775 (OP)
if it came out today Frodo would be black and Sam would be a drag queen

>these movies are way too long
>I cant keep up with whats happening
>everyone is too serious about things
>why isn't there more diversity
>why is this all white male cast so loving and emotional, seems a bit gay

>>213561150
>who do not racemix
nigga both Arwen and Elrond are half elves

THERE'S NO TOM BOMBADIL
REEEE REEEEE REEEEE REEEEE.

this is the equivalent of making Alice in wonderland WITHOUT Alice going down the rabbit hole, or the matrix WITHOUT neo taking the red pill, or the wizard of OZ WITHOUT the tornado. WHAT THE FUCK WAS JACKSON THINKING.

>>213560775 (OP)
Why didn't they use eagles to efficiently and securely dump the ring? Why was Merry and Pippin part of the fellowship? Why didn't they plan for alternative roads to avoid Moria? Why did Gandalf walk back on the bridge to attack the Balrog instead of fleeing into safe territory? Why didn't they convince the ghosts from the mountain to help them sooner and fight every war?

>>213565064
Sam would be continue to be a white straight man, but there would be a new scene at the end of ROTK where Sam, freshly returned to the Shire, lifts up Rosie's skirt and discovers her feminine penis. Rosie looks at him with anxiety, but Sam, like any good man would, just smiles and says, "It makes no difference to me, Rose."

The new Star Wars had more CGi.

>>213560775 (OP)
Its honestly quite impossible to even posit the state of this board today compared to how people were back then.
Today everything is fake and gay and worthless and no one likes anything sincerely, and that also makes it impossible for movies like those to even be made.
If they were released today, the sheer goodwill and effort would be so overwhelming compared to what we are used to that even the faggiest bad faith posters wouldnt be able to ruin the reception of them. Its like sneedposting wouldnt be able to exist before the simpsons went to shit

>>213563213
Elves racemixed what, three times across several thousand years. Beren was just Beren and Tolkiens gary stu, Tuor was a complete ultra-omnichad on a mission from God (Well Ulmo at least) and Aragorn was there to restore White Hyperborean Atlantean supremacy over all other men. Aragorn also had diluted blood from all the characters mentioned above, including maiar. So did Arwen for that matter.
Elves dont really racemix, no

>>213565855
There was plenty to criticise in these films when they came out and that hasn't changed. I won't do a big greentext list, I'll just say that the last time I watched these I was pretty annoyed by the moments of comic relief. It's not that I strictly object to levity in this kind of film, it's that Jackson's LOTR has lots of jokes -- with more added in for the extended cuts -- and none, and I do mean none of them are remotely funny. Compounding the problem is that two of our clowns here, Merry and Pippin, are played by the most unlikeable pricks you could possibly hire. And that scene where one of these faggots sings a song!

Yes there are flaws the films.

Frodo is a girl.
Sam, her gardener, is secretly in love with her.
They kiss on the slopes of Mount Doom.

Elves are White and have great jeans.
Numenoreans have great jeans and a race Ubermenchen among lesser human races.
Dwarves are greedy and love gold.
Tolkien and Jackson are declared Nazis, racists and eugenics propagandists.

>aragorn, the HORSE LORD, has to hand over Frodo to Arwen because the woman is a better rider
lol
woke

>>213566247
>>aragorn, the HORSE LORD
Retard.

>>213566103
>There was plenty to criticise in these films when they came out
>Yes there are flaws (sic) the films
Which is completely irrelevant to what I said. Because back then, those complaints were rightly identified as nerdy nitpicks that didnt really detract from the movies. Im not a fan either of making Gimli into a bumbling retard, but in the context of making the franchise palatable for EVERYONE back then, it was a good decision all things considered. Just like cutting out Bombadil. It loses none of its luster or nobility in the process because its fundamentally good as a work of art and as an adaptation. Of course today it would be met with nothing but
>eowyn and arwen girlboss wokeslop xddd sneed redpill xddd
but thats only because we are in a climate where everything IS shit, so even the good stuff gets caught in this kvetching culture. Which is sad. It only shows how far we have fallen. People DID say what you said now, but it had no impact or staying power since shut up the ride of the rohirrim is about to blow my balls off

>And that scene where one of these faggots sings a song!
Oh yeah because if theres one thing the book purists all agree on, its that there were simply too many songs in the movies.

>>213566373
>in the context of making the franchise palatable for EVERYONE back then

Shouldn't the jokes have been funny then?

Sauron IS Trump, chud. Gain some media literacy. It's making fun of you.

>>213564983
the LOTR books are so bad

>>213566711
abloo bloo, me have autism me no think jokes funny therefore bad
People, mostly normies, are quoting
>that still only counts as one
or
>what about second breakfast
to this day, and youre only bitching because you know Im right.

>>213560775 (OP)
>things look desperate, on the brink of defeat
>Gandalf and the Rohirrim turn up to save the day
>things look desperate, on the brink of defeat
>Theodan and Rohan turn up to save the day
>things look desperate, on the brink of defeat
>The eagles turn up to save the day
It gets tiresome.

>>213566761
i agree overall. only read them once, have TRIED to re-read them but eh, i'm done. (and even before the LotR movies, The Hobbit was one of my favourite books as as a kid.)

the 80s BBC Radio version is a dramatisation that's mostly the dialogue/adventure (and the songs) but less of the history lessons.