Thread 214033874

"There’s a scene [in Bucking Fastard] where my leading actor, Orlando Bloom, and the two sisters — who are very similar, they speak and move in unison — have a love affair with a neighbour in a garden shed … and, of course, Orlando is naked; you see him up from the waist, and the two girls have nightgowns on. So what do you do? And I spoke to Rooney and Kate Mara, I said, “How do we handle it?” and they said to me, ‘Stay out of it; we know how to handle it.’ And I said, ‘Of course, the intimacy coordinator is going to stay out of it as well, but we’ll have to pretend you’re shooting something else on that day." https://headstuff.org/entertainment/film/werner-herzog-to-hell-with-the-stunt-coordinator-screen-ireland/

>>214033874 (OP)
Werner just created an instagram account lol

>>214034258
https://www.instagram.com/wernerherzogofficial/

How do you become an intimacy coordinator? Just watch a fuckton of porn and figure out the no-nos?

>>214033874 (OP)
Rooney is so pretty

>>214033874 (OP)
Some of this AI slop is pretty good in here.

Ah, yes… imagine me, Werner Herzog, standing in this fetid jungle, consumed by the absurdity of my assignment: intimacy coordinator for Orlando Bloom and the Mara sisters, Kate and Rooney. Here, among the howls of unseen beasts and the oppressive humidity that clings to the soul like a fevered parasite, I am asked to choreograph the delicate collisions of lips, the fumbling of hands upon trembling bodies.

Orlando, ever radiant, stands shirtless, his torso glistening not with cinematic allure but with the sweat of impending dysentery. He asks me, “Werner, does this angle feel natural?” Natural? In this primeval green void where all notions of civility are mocked by the insects? Nothing is natural here except decay.

And the Mara sisters—pale, spectral figures drifting through the canopy like lost ghosts of colonial melancholia. Kate insists on precision, Rooney on the eradication of meaning itself. Together, they bicker softly about which side is their "good side," as if the jungle cares. The jungle does not care. It waits only to consume them, bones and eyeliner alike.

Yet I am here, clipboard in hand, guiding them toward the illusion of tenderness. “Tilt your head, Orlando. Yes, Rooney, let the passion rise—but keep it PG-13.” My voice, weary, echoes against the vines, a bureaucrat of desire trapped in a green cathedral of rot.

I reflect that the intimacy coordinator is but a tragic clown, a custodian of simulated lust. In truth, the universe does not recognize intimacy—only the gnawing void of entropy. Orlando leans in, Kate sighs, Rooney glares. And somewhere in the darkness, a jaguar prepares to eat us all, rendering my notes irrelevant.

This is not cinema. This is the theater of futility, staged among mosquitoes the size of small aircraft.

>>214033874 (OP)
She monke

>>214034549
Lol

>>214034426
I need some bts on Bucking Fastard

>>214033874 (OP)
>Stay out of it; we know how to handle it.
Based Sluts being slutty as Fuck.

>>214033874 (OP)
If they’re that incompetent they should lose their jobs.

>>214033874 (OP)
If they don't kiss each other I swear to God I will burn Hollywood to the ground.

"Action," Kate whispered playfully, as if directing herself. She and Rooney approached the bed like predators, their nightgowns whispering against their thighs. Orlando furrowed his brow, sensing something off as they didn't pick up scripts.
"Wait, what's the line here?" he asked, propping himself up on his elbows. "This feels... different from what we discussed."
Rooney climbed onto the bed first, straddling his legs with a predatory grace. "Shh, Orlando. Just go with it. We're improvising." Her hand trailed down his chest, fingers tracing the lines of his muscles, while Kate knelt beside him, her breath hot against his ear.
Orlando's eyes widened as realization dawned. "Hold on—this is the sex scene? I thought we were doing the emotional beat first. And where's the intimacy coordinator? Guys, I'm not comfortable jumping straight in—"
But Kate silenced him with a finger to his lips, her other hand sliding down to grasp his cock firmly. It twitched in her palm, betraying his body's instinctive response despite his protests. "Oh, come on, Orlando. Don't be such a prude. We're all professionals here." She began to stroke him slowly, her grip tightening as she felt him harden against his will, the veiny shaft swelling in her hand, pre-cum beading at the tip.
"No, seriously—stop. This isn't right," Orlando objected, trying to sit up, but Rooney pushed him back down with surprising strength, her thighs pinning his hips. "We said we'd handle it," she purred, leaning down to kiss his neck, her tongue flicking out to taste his skin. "And we are."

Orlando groaned, a mix of protest and unwilling arousal. "Please, stop... this is assault. We need to call Werner—"
"Shut up and eat," Rooney commanded, shifting positions. She swung her leg over his face, lowering her dripping pussy onto his mouth. Her nightgown hiked up, revealing her shaved lips, already swollen and wet with excitement. The musky scent of her arousal filled his nostrils as she ground against his lips. "Get to know my pussy real well, Orlando. Tongue it like you mean it."
He mumbled objections into her folds, but the sisters were relentless. Kate, meanwhile, positioned herself over his cock, guiding the thick head to her entrance. She sank down slowly, inch by inch, her tight, warm walls enveloping him in a vice-like grip. "Fuck, he's big," she moaned, starting to ride him with rhythmic bounces, her nightgown slipping off one shoulder to expose a pert breast. "But we own this dick now."
As Kate fucked him, her ass slapping against his thighs with wet, obscene sounds, Rooney rode his face harder, her juices coating his chin and tongue. He had no choice but to lap at her clit, his protests muffled into desperate licks that made her shudder. "That's it, taste every bit of me," Rooney taunted. "You're getting intimately acquainted with the Mara sisters' pussies today."

>>214035817
>>214035841
kino

>>214034258
>>214034426
kino

Rooney>Mara

>>214033874 (OP)
For me, it's Rooney

>>214035749
They dont even hide it

Herzog is Reddit Incarnate. He directed two or three good movies, got a bunch of people killed during filming and... and that's it. And he gets a pass because he's a lolrandumb autist.

>>214034426
>>214035912
Legend

>>214036276
more like two or three dozen

>>214033874 (OP)
>intimacy coordinator

>>214034439
Basically

>>214035912
Is he roasting a chikn?

>Stay out of it; we know how to handle it
They are basically saying they will have real sex with Orlando Bloom right there. These two whores are married with kids by the way. NEVER marry an actress.

>>214037453
Women aren't coomers

>>214037453
They are both literally married and have kids lol

>>214037499
So you don't know any women then

>>214034439
Be qualified for HR and live in LA

>>214037631
>Be qualified for HR

>>214034549
>colonial melancholia
>bones and eyeliner
>mosquitoes the size of small aircraft
I stood then clapped and said "kino!"

>>214035817
>>214035841
Incredible, if you read it as Herzog.

>>214033874 (OP)
When zoomers say that they hate sex scenes, what they mean is that they hate scenes like these.

They're reading manga and playing Marvel Rivals. Obviously, they don't have a problem with sexualized content.

>>214035817
>>214035841

>>214037499
Yes they are but they need situations rather than visuals

>>214035817
>>214035841
Hmph

>>214037903
Im not the candidate to vibe with

>>214037290
It was not a significant bird

>>214033874 (OP)
Werner please give us Mara nude scenes

>liberals refuse to accept intimacy coordination is the directors job
>But make excuses for the one time it was ever an actual issue in blue is the warmest color

EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY FOR THE PAST WEEK
I HATE THIS FUCKING BOARD SO MUCH

>>214038765
you will be raped, tranime fan.

>>214038808
I DON'T EVEN LIKE ANIME I JUST SAVED THE IMAGE BECAUSE THIS BOARD IS NOTHING BUT BOT SPAM, CHATGPT, AND AUTISTIC REPOSTING FAGGOTS
>waah waah why don't you contribute something
NO GOD DAMMIT THAT'S LIKE GOING TO A RESTAURANT AND EVERYTHING IS JUST PILES OF LITERAL FECES ON PLATES AND THEN SAYING "WELL WHY DON'T YOU COOK SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE ELSE INSTEAD"
THAT'S NOT THE FUCKING POINT

>>214038653
Fingers crossed

>>214038877
>THAT'S LIKE GOING TO A RESTAURANT
Incorrect, it's like coming a private club where your personal meaningful contribution is expected

>>214033874 (OP)
Interesting guy

>>214034426
Followed

>>214038931
NO YOU FUCKING FAGGOT I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE TO CONTRIBUTE ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING AND I AM NOT ONLY ENTITLED TO MY OPINION ABOUT THE QUALITY OF POSTS ON THIS BOARD BUT I AM IN FACT OWED BETTER POSTS BECAUSE I'VE BEEN WASTING MY LIFE HERE SINCE 2006 NOW SUCK MY DICK YOU JEW

>>214035817
>>214035841
"Listen, what you two did back there... that was fucked up," Orlando started, his voice trembling with a mix of anger and shame. "It was assault. Straight up. And I'm still married, you know? Yeah, we're separated, but that doesn't mean—"
"Blah, blah, blah," Kate mocked, standing up and sauntering closer, her hips swaying. "Excuses. You secretly wanted this, admit it. Why else did your cock get rock-hard the second I touched it? I mean, come on, it was throbbing in my hand like it had a mind of its own. Begging for more."
He shook his head vehemently. "No, that's just... biology! It doesn't mean I consented. I told you to stop multiple times!"
Rooney joined her sister, circling him like sharks. "Biology? Sure, whatever helps you sleep at night. But let's talk facts: it was so easy, Orlando. You didn't fight when I sat on your face and coated your tongue with my pussy juices. Hell, you licked me like a pro, getting to know every fold."
Kate high-fived Rooney again, their laughter echoing. "High-five for that truth bomb! And when I rode you? Your dick was steel-hard, sliding right into my tight little pussy without a fuss. You bucked up into me, remember? Let me drench you in my cum. Face it, you're a total fuckboy—always have been with that Hollywood charm. We just treated you how fuckboys deserve: used and discarded."
Orlando opened his mouth to argue, his fists clenching. "You're twisting everything! I was protesting the whole time. This could ruin my career, my marriage—whatever's left of it. You can't just—"
"Give it up, Orlando," Rooney said scornfully. "You're basically divorced, you didn't stop us because deep down you are a fuckboy through and through. Now, run along and cry to your therapist."

>>214033874 (OP)
Based

>>214033874 (OP)
What would happen if a pair of brothers did something like this to a female actress?

>>214033874 (OP)
IC's are pointless

>>214039222
She would like it

>>214035817
>>214035841
>>214039150
Damn...

>>214034426
>zogofficial
Nice try