>>214063821
YOU'RE GONNA DIE, CLOUD
[Opening Scene: A panoramic view of Midgar under the glow of mako reactors. The screen fades to black. Intense orchestral music builds.]
NARRATOR:
This summer...
[CUT TO: A shadowy figure with long, silver hair steps into view, silhouetted against a roaring fire.]
NARRATOR:
...one wing will fall.
[The camera pans up, revealing ADAM SANDLER as SEPHIROTH. His face is overly serious, but his voice... unmistakably Sandler.]
SEPHIROTH :
"Cloud... you can't HANDLE my moves! Shoo-ba-dee-boo!"
[CUT TO: Cloud Strife (played by a brooding Timothy Chalamee) slamming his Buster Sword into the ground, sparks flying everywhere.]
CLOUD:
"You're going down, Sephiroth!"
SEPHIROTH (holding a hot dog):
"Yeah? How 'bout you ketchup first?"
[Smash cut to a chaotic battle: Summons exploding, materia glowing, and Sephiroth inexplicably doing the Waterboy tackle on Barret.]
BARRET (IDRIS ELBA):
"What the @#&*! is WRONG with you!?"
SEPHIROTH (shrugs):
"Sorry, I got carried away. MAKO does crazy things to a guy!"
[Quick cuts of Tifa (ZENDAYA) roundhouse kicking, Red XIII (SETH ROGEN) looking confused, and Cid (CHRIS PRATT) lighting a cigarette as explosions rage around him.]
[SEPHIROTH dramatically holds out his hand to summon Meteor, only for it to fizzle.]
SEPHIROTH:
"Oops. Forgot to charge my materia. Hooba-dooba!"
[Cue a montage of absurdly cheesy scenes: Sephiroth singing karaoke at the Gold Saucer, riding a Chocobo in slow motion, and doing an awkward thumbs-up while Jenova facepalms in the background.]
NARRATOR:
The fate of the planet... is in their hands.
[CUT TO: Sephiroth dancing awkwardly with a group of Shinra grunts as "One-Winged Angel" plays in a disco remix.]
SEPHIROTH (to camera):
"This summer... we’re wingin’ it!"
NARRATOR:
FINAL FANTASY VII: THE MOVIE Coming soon to a theater near you.
[Cue Sephiroth saying, "Chocobros before Hojo," followed by a record scratch and Cloud facepalming.]
