Long post and more of a vent than anything.

I just spent another day walking around doing almost nothing. The only women that will talk to me have no interest in a relationship. Everyone I try to respect pushes my boundaries. Everyone I try to help just walks away and I never see them again. I don't want to help anyone anymore and when I do I quickly regret it.

People push my buttons and do whatever they can to look down on me, open me up and ask me questions I don't want to answer, and then fuck off after I cry or freak out or whatever.

I've tried being open, I've tried being closed, I've tried pretty much everything I can and I don't see the good in people anymore. I've come to want to be an evil person. I want to be a psychopath and have brief periods of psychopathy where everyone I see is just a robot or wooden toy whos only purpose is to suck the energy out of each other and use it to get ahead in life. I'm the only real person in the world, I'm the only one in the world with any volition or soul. That is what I truly believe on the inside afaik. This usually happens after I experience rejection from women. I wish it would last forever.

I've been to churches, I've gone to almost every business in my area, I go out every day trying to meet people, mostly women. I hate men and wish they would fuck off and die. I want to fight people because I don't like my life and want to experience what its like to be courageous.

My only friends are animals I see in the woods near here. Nobody understands me and I don't think anyone ever will. I've met probably 8 women on the net over the past couple months, and none of the relationships have lasted more than 2 or 3 days before losing any spark. The one person that I liked I seemed to unconsciously hurt and she wont talk to me.

>>33337482 (OP)
I won't read long posts.

I tried to talk to women irl and that didnt work either so I just stopped. I'm still looking for them but I'm a scary person I guess. I'm closed off. I look at everything as a win/lose scenario, because I'm so scarred. I've been ghosted by pretty much every escort in my area even the ones that I met don't even respond to me, they will ignore my messages no matter what I say. I can't even afford them.

I've been to pretty much every church in the area and I hate the people there more and more every time. They are sheep that want to turn you into a sheep too, and don't care if you don't want them to. The preacher lies to them for his own gain.


I don't understand how other people build anything, I don't like almost anyone i meet except for women and they leave instantly every time so I now push them away almost instinctively in any way possible. I feel like I've put on a suit of armor and dove down to the very bottom of the ocean, and theres a little boy down there who will never get to the surface again, because nobody wants him to. People want people below them to stay below them at all costs.

and the only person who had a chance of understanding me,

he fucking told me he felt like he wanted to commit suicide and i was so paranoid about my own life I barely responded and now
hes been gone for 2 months, he used to be on almost every other day
and thats how life is for me now
just a rotunda of fucking pain and misery and loss and fear and breaking and scarring. I have a temper now and I just cant even function sometimes because theres nowhere to be angry nowhere to express that anger and its practically useless anyways for my life

I don't feel like I have a choice. I know thats a breaking bad quote but its fucking true. What choice do any of us have? There is none as far as I can tell.

bump, for possible similar experience or anything

>>33337487
do you read anything?

>>33337482 (OP)
>Long post and more of a vent than anything.
I won't read vent threads, on an advice board.

>>33337482 (OP)
>I don't see the good in people anymore.
>I want to be a psychopath and have brief periods of psychopathy where everyone I see is just a robot or wooden toy
>I hate men and wish they would fuck off and die. I want to fight people
a man at war with himself will only ever experience hatred. from without and from within