Thread 33499835

My husband of 3 years has been watching porn after I told him not to.
We dated around 3 years before we got married, and one of my boundaries was for him to not be addicted to porn, but recently I found out he still is to this day.
Reason as to why I don't like it is because I have sex with him fairly often. I am experimental and I don't watch porn at all myself. I have a distaste for it
However, I have started to notice he's been getting a lot more fetishy with my body, wishing that I had bigger boobs or a bigger ass ? Which, I tried to brush off at first, but eventually I asked him if he was watching porn.
He then told me 'he would never do that to me', so I believed him.
Later that day, I wanted to check my history to find a unrelated topic I looked up some other day, my history was FILLED with porn. I was confused, since, like I said before, I never look up porn explicitly. Turns out he's been using my computer to look at porn, too.
Frankly, I know I might be sounding irrational for wanting to break things off with him, but he's been addicted to porn ever since we started dating. I even helped him get better and drop it at some point, but now I'm not even sure if that's true.

He sexualizes everything I do and our romance is pretty much dead. He gets mad everytime I don't commit to a specific scenario of his, he has even camgirls on his search history

Should I just break it off??? I'm still in denial, but I genuinely cannot be with a porn addict who is becoming a piece of shit. I'm kind of tired of helping him overcome his porn addiction after 6 years, especially when I am about to get my degree.

>>33499835 (OP)
lying to your face is a bigger deal than watching porn

>>33499835 (OP)
Make some porn for him then at least he ll be addicted to you instead. Him using your computer is fucking weird though

>>33499835 (OP)
Is your husband a retard who's never heard of incognito mode? Jesus. You should divorce him because he's retarded

>>33499899
This I can agree with, I did not take it as personally until i realized he had lied to me, which is making me question what else he's been hiding from me.
Although, yes it is a big deal that he's consuming this amount of porn, too. He has this tendency to get more violent everytime he consumes more porn, which is something I talked about with him when I was helping him overcome his addiction.

>>33499903
This was what I thought would work, but yeah, he's been watching porn everywhere. I'm sure that'd enable him even more.

>>33499835 (OP)
If this were a regular old relationship, I’d say break up. But it’s a marriage. In marriages, vows are made. “In sickness and in health, to have and to hold, for better or worse, ‘till death do us part” and all that.

>For better or worse
This problem is in the ‘for worse’ category. And the vow is you’re supposed to see it through and put up a fight together to move forward before considering divorce at all.

And I know, you probably tried to help him overcome his addiction. But it doesn’t work. Addicts never get better when someone else tries to make them better. It’s rule #1 of addiction.

He has to WANT to get better himself, and he has to kill the addiction himself. He needs support, yeah, but the support has to be from the sidelines, from people who hold him accountable, ideally, people he isn’t married to. Because his wife holding him accountable = emotions go crazy, fights occur, shame happens, shame = stress, stress = higher likelihood he runs to porn to cope.

Has he considered going to a therapist?

>>33499835 (OP)
The entire "you can't watch porn" thing is a fucking pet peeve of mine at this point. Rarely do women articulate what their problem with porn is and it's very often framed as a red line even before you have a chance to talk to them. Relationships can't be built up on ultimatums or lies, so the only solution to your problem is dialogue. The core of the issue is whether or not your problem with his porn usage is down to your insecurities or a genuine concern for his health, both of which can be true at once. I understand that you're probably disappointing in him but you're the one that placed value on him quitting porn which is something that the overwhelming majority of men use since puberty.
Let me frame it for you: If your husband asked you to quit social media (so no facefucks, twatters, instashiet, none of that shit but you can use WhatsApp or whatever messaging apps you want) would you? He's really supportive, explains to you why it's unhealthy, he forces you to go along with his little intervention and then he gets really happy that you did this for him. Are you starting to see the problem?
If I had to guess why he uses porn it's probably down to a communication barrier between when you're available and when he wants to do it. If you actually want the situation to improve you have to convince him that porn is bad (which isn't particularly hard) and that he should quit using it of his own volition (the hard part). Forcing him to quit is not going to change anything because he'll just continue to lie until lying becomes the problem (it already is). If he's actually addicted then let a sex therapist handle it, but again, he has to be willing to quit.
So when you have this conversation with him it can't be about YOU and YOUR PROBLEM with porn. Don't be mad but you have the right to be disappointed. Shown concern and empathy, not irritation and self-entitlement. Don't confront him, focus on how it affects you and him. And don't force an answer out of him.

>>33499931
>did not take it as personally until i realized he had lied to me, which is making me question what else he's been hiding from me.
(NTA) That strikes me as a reasonable concern.

>>33500240
>Rarely do women articulate what their problem with porn is
Well, I'm not a woman, but I've known women who have issues with it, and I'll answer that one for you. Occasional porn use doesn't have much impact, but when a guy is genuinely addicted to it, his entire sexuality starts to be based on porn. When a guy like that has sex, he isn't even really *having* sex at all, so much as simply re-enacting porn in real life. Sex becomes completely unemotional and mechanical. He doesn't treat the woman he's with as a person at all, but merely as a living prop in a porn scene. Guys like this rapidly lose their grasp on the concept of consent as well. They will feel a pressing need to perform some particular act because they've been watching porn of it recently, and acting it out becomes a compulsion. He asks her, she says no, he says okay, but then asks her again, and again, and again, and again, and simply cannot let it go. And many of the things he may want to do are really quite dangerous (extreme S&M or bondage stuff) and he doesn't even know how to do them safely, because porn is his only source of knowledge. It really does cause a LOT of problems.

>>33499835 (OP)
>Should I just break it off??? I'm still in denial, but I genuinely cannot be with a porn addict who is becoming a piece of shit. I'm kind of tired of helping him overcome his porn addiction after 6 years, especially when I am about to get my degree.
You should leave him for random guy on 4chan ;)

>>33500428
I was not expecting that but it sounds plausible. I'm pro anti-porn women now.

>>33500240
>The entire "you can't watch porn" thing is a fucking pet peeve of mine at this point. Rarely do women articulate what their problem with porn is and it's very often framed as a red line even before you have a chance to talk to them.

It's because women don't see the issue the same way us men do. It all goes back to the fundamental core difference between man & woman:
>Women are more interested in people than things
>Men are more interested in things than people

And what men and women do, a lot, is they project their own mode of being onto the other sex. So for example, a woman has a man who whacks to porn, keep in mind the rule: "women are more people minded than thing minded". She has to make a judgement call when it's revealed her man whacks to porn. What's her first assumption?

That her man is whacking off to other women, other people, because it must mean he either prefers the other people (the women in the porn) or has stopped liking her (the gf/wife). The woman automatically thinks of it as personal.

Meanwhile in man-land, in the male mind, the porn isn't personal. The porn actresses, he doesn't see them as people, just props for a fantasy in his head, objects, that he has no emotional investment in. The man treats masturbation as a function, a tool, an addictive exercise to force a sense of relief. No different to picking at a scab. It's entirely about the 'what' for a man, not the 'who'. And women don't understand that, they cannot see it that way, not should they, truthfully.

Sex and love for women is highly personal, it's why their version of porn is erotica, smut books what they call 'spicy stories'. Because that format is female coded, it's highly personal, focused on people and people's stories and characteristics and personas.

So to answer: , tl;Dr is women operate on a people-based mindset, and they project that onto men, and when their men whack to porn, she takes it personally because she thinks it's also personal for the man.

>>33500240
>>33500566
>Cont

Ultimately though, if the man intends to have a successful relationship, he has to drop the porn. Because if he doesn't, what this anon pointed out ends up occurring: >>33500566

The man's impersonal fantasy ends up leaking into the relationship. He eventually makes the sex with his woman and impersonal exercise. Which sucks the life and fun out of romance and sex for the woman.

"A man cannot serve two masters, he will love one and then hate the other." Those masters would be Porn or the relationship (not the girl, as women hate the idea of leadership in romance).

So if the man wants a fulfilling life, a sacrifice must be made. If he chooses to keep the porn, his relationship gets tanked. Not even due to a conscious decision from the woman, the woman will usually allow herself to be dragged through years and years of the problem. Women are not confrontational. They try to passively hide away from the problem. The most famous way of hiding is losing their appetite to have sex. Usually the bedroom goes dead first. Then her heart, then it's over.

>>33500580
What this anon pointed out: >>33500428
Quoted myself by accident.

But also worth adding while I'm at it: Women have a bit of pride too, a bit of ego same as us men. While it seems like harmless fantasy for the man, the woman has an inner ego to feed too, same as us.

Women want to be the man's fantasy. A d if her man is finding the fantasy elsewhere she will always feel second best, not good enough, and not worthy of being anyone's fantasy girl.

The way a man chases 'things' and objects is fine. Men are men, women are women. Cats eat fish, dogs eat bones. Women deep down got no problem with how us men are. But only if she is the object of desire, that the man makes her the object of his fantasy. Then she feels all sexy and womanly and it's a fair trade.

But that cannot happen if the man is chasing other objects of desire.

I'll never understand men who have a girlfriend or wife and decide to masturbate to porn instead of just fucking their partner.

>>33500626
Also wanna keep adding onto my train of thought since the topic is fascinating as fuck:

Men do feel actual proper love for the woman he dates/marries. But thing with a lot of us men (not all) is we tend to make our hearts very small targets. Cuz we dont wanna appear weak or feel vulnerable. Many people attribute this to ‘toxic masculinity’, but many people are retarded. This isn’t how or why men do this. We actually want it this way and prefer it that way. Because we are wired to be that way, comes to us from survival mode, back when there were beasts to hunt, tribes to fight off, families to protect etc. We needed to make our hearts small so we make fear small. And if we make fear small, we fight better, we protect more consistently, we rise to occasions.

Even young boys, their first fantasy before porn even arrived, it was the fantasy of power. To be the hero, the knight, the hunter, the dragon slayer, the fighter, the one who topples an empire, kills a monster, saves the princess, his object of desire. It serves the woman and her interests too. A woman’s instinctual interest is security. And men can provide this, but we cannot do that with bleeding hearts. He does and should at least allow just one good woman into that heart. And for the woman he does this for, he should sacrifice porn for, no question.

If a man wants to do this, he needs to go back to his first fantasy, of being a problem killer. He needs to identify porn as a beast in need of slaying.

>>33499835 (OP)
I generally don't support divorce, but after 6 years and all the lying and poor treatment of you, he'll never get better, so yes, you should leave. Porn in a marriage (especially when you still have a sex life together) is cheating for someone too lazy to actually go out and cheat.
>>33499903
This doesn't work lol

>>33500566
Shouldn’t a husband fantasise about his wife? Why would you even marry someone if they don’t match your fantasies? No, man, I think men use this as a bullshit excuse for their poor impulse control and disrespect towards their spouses.

>>33499835 (OP)
>We dated around 3 years before we got married
Retarded
>and one of my boundaries was for him to not be addicted to porn

Look, how other people behave isn't a "boundary" of yours. Boundaries are what you allow other people do to to you, not what they do to themselves. Thats not a boundary, thats a demand.

>He then told me 'he would never do that to me', so I believed him.
Lesson learned: If you demand from peopl eo tbe different from how they are, they won't change because of you. They will just lie. Same thing as some guy who is obviously frothing at the mouth over any woman that has had more than three partners in her life. He will meet lots and lots of women who of course totally have never had a one night stand or sex outside of a relationship, because they can tell he thinks like that and they will just lie.

Instead of looking for some guy who was a good fit for you, you took your current husband and tried to shape him into what you wanted.
>I can fix him

Doesn't work, never has,
Anyways, congratulations on settling yourself with a heap of paperwork and drama because having a normal relationship without any unnecessary legally binding contracts apparently didn't do it for you for whatever godforsaken reason.

>>33500713
>But thing with a lot of us men (not all) is we tend to make our hearts very small targets. Cuz we dont wanna appear weak or feel vulnerable

Stop speaking for our entire gender, fuckwit.

>We actually want it this way and prefer it that way. Because we are wired to be that way

Maximum overcope, holy shit. You're just an insecure faggot who is scared to death of women not liking him if he doesn't pretend to be a roid ragin' truck drivin' masuline man.

As a sidenote, guys like you are so easy to control its unbelievable. Any woman just needs to slightly imply taht she may think you are being somewhat unmanly and you will jump through every hoop like the bestest of good boy doggies in the world.Whether thats beating up some guy she doesn't like, or paying for whatever she wants.
Tl;dr: You're a total bitch. Stop projecting it on all of us , I don't associate with faggots.

>>33500909
>Shouldn’t a husband fantasise about his wife?
Yes, they should. I already address that here: >>33500626

>Women deep down got no problem with how us men are. But only if she is the object of desire, that the man makes her the object of his fantasy. Then she feels all sexy and womanly and it's a fair trade.

The man should make his wife the fantasy, the woman wants that too. You are absolute correct.

>Why would you even marry someone if they don’t match your fantasies?
Because men who are addicted to porn are addicted to fantasy. Meaning, they can find a gf/wife who fits a fantasy. But it's only that:
>A fantasy
Not >The< fantasy.

Because if the man finds >The< fantasy, he stops his search, he's content. But the man who only makes the wife just 'a' fantasy will keep searching through fantasy, keep searching for porn. Such a man doesn't even have or even intend to find >The< fantasy. So it's not that the woman is inadequate or unworthy of the role, though she will feel that way and feel hurt.

It's that such a man doesn't want the fantasy searching to stop. Why? Because he doesn't want to confront reality. He's weak in the worst way - he believes himself weak. That's more weak than weakness. The belief alone cripples his ability to face reality. Weak men who wish to be stronger at least eventually become so. Weak men who don't believe they can be, or lie to their selves they're not weak never stop. Never grow.

They want to keep the false sense self control that the fantasy of porn brings to band-aid that weak spot. Makes them feel in control. That's why he lives in paradox. He's addicted to the control at the core. Porn is control fantasy. You want to see a big titty blonde? Search it. A petite redhead? Search it. Want to skip to something exotic? Search it. Saw a juicy scene? Rewind it. And the man stuck to porn faces zero risk, zero rejection, zero effort, zero struggle. That's why men like OP's husband do what they do.

>>33500999
>Stop speaking for our entire gender, fuckwit.
All men have dicks. So what I speak on common patterns.

>You're just an insecure faggot who is scared to death of women not liking him if he doesn't pretend to be a roid ragin' truck drivin' masculine man.

I'm not scared of that. I'm scared of other things in life, not of women or what they think of me. I've no interest being a roid raging truck driver either.

>Any woman just needs to slightly imply taht she may think you are being somewhat unmanly and you will jump through every hoop like the bestest of good boy doggies in the world.

That would be stupid. Because I don't use women as the metric for my masculinity, no man should.

>You're a total bitch. Stop projecting it on all of us , I don't associate with faggots
You say I'm pretending to be a roid raging truck driver hard man and yet you yourself are trying to talk like one.

Do you agree that OP's husband should stop the porn?

>>33501010
I thought that once a man marries a woman, looking for many different things in porn (blondes, redheads, bjs, etc.) stops. How can you love someone and still look at other women to fulfill your sexual desires? Why would you look for blondes if you married a black haired woman? I also assume that in a marriage sex exists. Why would you seek women outside your marriage then? It doesn’t matter if it’s just objectifying and non emotional. Still it’s extremely disrespectful. If I were OP, I would divorce. Porn addicts never change.

>>33501068
You talk a lot about "not being vulnerable", and the only reason to do that is because you are afraid of women rejecting you when you are. Theres noy way around that fact. If you didn't give a shit, you would be as vulnerable as you want at that moment regardless of how the woman reacts.
The rest is some simp shit about "saving the princess", which rest assured is not a natural phantasy, but one induced by Disney garbage.

Also, you sure as hell don't need to make "your heart small" to not be scared, in fact making oneself vulnerable requires bravery. Because ist not about the ridiculous overblown image og manhood that you paint, but abotu overcoming and ownign up to your own weaknesses and fears. Following some grandiose phantasy like yours is just cope. No man is a superhero undefeatable ultrawarrior IRL, thats simply a fact.

>Do you agree that OP's husband should stop the porn?
Up to him. I think he should do it for himself , but its OP who asks and has a problem with it, not him. So this question is completely irrelevant.

>>33501081
>I thought that once a man marries a woman, looking for many different things in porn (blondes, redheads, bjs, etc.) stops.

"Old habits die hard." She knew he was an addict during dating, presumably near the start. I presume she thought she could change him, fix him. Nurturing impulse on her part. Doesn't work. Porn addicts, and in general, every addict of any stripe, will not magically stop the addiction even when they get something good in life (A marriage, a good job, a large income of fortune). The only life event that has a chance to change the addict is life (birth of a child) or death (loss of a loved one) and even then it's only a marginal chance. Not a guarantee. Because the porn addict has programmed himself to run to porn whenever he feels stress or anything negative. "Every man has his vice".

So deep is the self programming due to repetitive solidified habit, the addict will keep doing it well into marriage. In fact the natural stress of marriage and maintaining marriage very well make it even worse. More life obstacles, more life problems, more bills, more responsibility= more stress, more running towards vice, more porn.

The porn addict can change. But again, the porn addict needs to want that. More importantly, he needs to replace the addiction with a better addiction. One that isn't porn or drugs or booze. If he can make the process of recovery and addiction, he's out, he's free. But not until then.

And women for all their positives and negatives cannot encourage a man to get there. Only other men can, ideally ones who are proficient on tackling men's issues, or ex addicts. It's why OP's husbands needs to go and join some kind of group of male peers dedicated to killing the addiction.

>>33501128
Let’s assume that you’re a married man. You love your wife and your marriage is good. Before her you were an addict. Would you stop for her? And if you would stop, would you keep it that way or fail her every time you are stressed?

See, that’s one thing I don’t understand in married porn addicts. If you’re happy in your marriage, why won’t you seek sexual pleasure or stress relief within?

>>33501101
>You talk a lot about "not being vulnerable", and the only reason to do that is because you are afraid of women rejecting you when you are.

Not vulnerable with women. I even said in my post the man should let a good woman into his heart. The implication is he is allowed and should be vulnerable with his woman. Perhaps I should have phrased that more clearly.

When I say making the heart small, not appearing vulnerable, it's not to do with women. But with the enemy. The enemy could be anything. A beast, another hostile male, an oppressive force, a supernatural force, anything that makes the man fear death. Not women at all.

And men naturally do this to prepare for potential conflict. That's what we are built for and always have been, it's why men have always been fighting wars since we crawled out the dirt. We are built for fighting. Even a peaceful man should want to have what it takes to defend those he loves.

>No man is a superhero undefeatable ultrawarrior IRL, thats simply a fact.
Of course. All it takes is one bullet to take a man down. But every man still wishes to be that ultra warrior, the goal of it is sufficient enough, even if he never can be that man entirely. The motivation to act, to take action, to provide and protect and defend, that is what is important.

>>33501168
>Let’s assume that you’re a married man. You love your wife and your marriage is good. Before her you were an addict. Would you stop for her?
Well I only can half assume. I’m already a husband myself. Former porn addict as well. I stopped a couple months before meeting her. But I’ll answer the question honestly if I put myself back into my old way of thinking, i’ll pretend I was still in addiction during marriage:

>Would you stop for her?
No. I would want to, but no, ultimately I would not. I’d most likely do what OP’s husband did: Lie through my teeth that I intend to stop, but continue. Because to be addicted is to be weak. Unable to tell the ugly truth, and unable to know how to stop.

>If you would stop, would you keep it that way or fail her every time you are stressed?
Fail, then lie that I didn’t fail to mask shame.

>See, that’s one thing I don’t understand in married porn addicts. If you’re happy in your marriage, why won’t you seek sexual pleasure or stress relief within?

Guilt and shame. It becomes difficult to desire the wife sexually when you begin to understand you are failing her. The addict would opt for porn to get the sexual thrill without having to face the shame or guilt or accountability because it’s the fastest route of short term relief.

>>33501284
Does she know? And are you loyal to her now? If yes, what did you do to keep it that way? If no, why isn’t she enough?

>>33501284
>to desire the wife sexually when you begin to understand you are failing her

You're a wifeguy aren't you

>'appy woife 'appy loife dontcha agree m8?

>>33501168
>See, that’s one thing I don’t understand in married porn addicts. If you’re happy in your marriage, why won’t you seek sexual pleasure or stress relief within?
Because women aren't fleshlights.

>>33499835 (OP)
>My husband of 3 years has been watching porn after I told him not to.
You TOLD him not to, rather than discuss it?
>We dated around 3 years before we got married, and one of my boundaries was for him to not be addicted to porn
Maybe, just maybe, your sex life while dating was enough for him, but things have changed?
>Reason as to why I don't like it is because I have sex with him fairly often.
I can almost bet that "fairly often" isn't often enough. My wife used to say that having sex every 6-8 weeks was fairly often, while my libido wanted it 3-4 times a week.

We are hearing just your side of the story so I think we need to reserve judgement.

>>33501328
She knows, and yes I am loyal to her. Not the perfect spouse by any means, still got faults but thankfully addiction was something I managed to square away after my life was rock bottom before meeting her, she met me in my process of recovering.

>What did you do to keep it that way
Reminding myself what I actually want to be, a good husband and a good father one day. Acknowledging I cannot be if I fall back to porn. And going back to masculinity, realising that if I wanna be a solid man who provides and protects, it means protecting the woman from my own inner demons, so its motivation to go and kill them and keep them that way.

>If no, why isn’t she enough?
I’ll still answer this: Because my past relationship(s) before my wife I had been a porn addict. The wife wouldn’t be enough either if I were still addicted. Because it’s nothing to do with the wife, or the exes, everything to do with me. Because it’s nothing was my fault, my problem and my responsibility to go and do something about it.

I know it sounds like true love should conquer all and the addict man should be receptive towards being ‘fixed’ by the loving woman. But that’s not reality. Reality is, porn addiction and addiction in general is just as strong as love bonding. I know that sounds profane to say, but hear me out:

What makes love strong? What component makes it bond? Makes it stick? Makes you keep coming back for more? It’s familiarity. Its where we get the word ‘family’ from. We make the woman we love, family, by making one with her, by marriage. Familiarity makes love strong, very strong.

Unfortunately, home has a closet. With a skeleton in it. Addiction is strong because of familiarity. Habit. It uses the same ‘power’ love uses, and twists it, inverts it. That’s why you see that not even love alone can topple addiction. It certainly helps, but its not enough on its own. It has one missing piece: The addict himself. His will power.

>>33501376
>Because it’s nothing was my fault, my problem and my responsibility to go and do something about it.
Because it’s nothing to do with the woman, it was my fault/problem*

>>33501376
Since you’re saying you’re loyal to her and left the addiction behind you, your marriage should be fine as long as you don’t fail her. Would she stay with you if she would find out that it’s not over? Answer honestly, without wishful thinking.

>>33501450
>Answer honestly without wishful thinking.
She'd stay but it'd be about the same as being gone, trust would be kneecapped, and reciprocal love would come to a grinding halt. Whether or not she's ultimately leave or stay in a fatally wounded marriage though, I don't actually know.

>>33501474
Well, if you truly love her and intend to grow old and die with her next to you, then I guess it’s a good motivation for you to never go back to your addiction. But only if you’re happily married and your love is mutual.

>>33500706
>I'll never understand men who have a girlfriend or wife and decide to masturbate to porn instead of just fucking their partner.
this usually happens when the gf/wife is giving them a lot of trouble, OR if the guy becomesa depressed piece of shit.

>>33500706
>I'll never understand men who have a girlfriend or wife and decide to masturbate to porn instead of just fucking their partner.
Well, when you do understand that, you will have a better understanding of why porn addiction is a problem. Porn addicts *prefer* to jerk it to porn rather than have sex.

>>33499835 (OP)
You are unattractive that's why. He should be dumping you and try his luck with a better model, kinda hard in the current year though.

Fulfill his sexual needs or he'll find it in something else.

Hey I'm OP. I had a talk with him, again.
People are assumming I never talked with him before this, when I very clearly mentioned that, yes, he had an issue with porn before, and I have stated that I have an issue being ADDICTED to porn, not watching it from time to time.
>His side of the story
As he says, isn't that he does not find me attractive. We have sex every single day and I am very open to his fantasies, but he has found me annoying whenever I go to work instead of having sex with him? Wtf.
Objectification is a large problem that arised from his porn addiction. He has definitely gotten more violent. Trust me, I don't care about kinky sex or BDSM, I am very open to whatever he wants to try, again, but it's infuriating to see him get mad at me when I'm busy at work and not sending "tit pics". I am not a sex robot, I am the one who pays the bills, too.
I found out he's been pretty much jobless for around a few weeks. Called in, they told me he's been watching porn in the office.
I cannot be in denial anymore, he is letting his addiction ruin his life, yet again.
Any new thoughts? I can elaborate on anything else. I am pretty mad and frustrated at him, but while talking to him, I tried to understand his side

>>33504569
>Any new thoughts? I can elaborate on anything else. I am pretty mad and frustrated at him, but while talking to him, I tried to understand his side.

Yes, and I'm the addict anon from before. What you elaborated baffles even me. My addiction was never at the point where I'd browse at work. Asked for tit pics with exes before yeah, sometimes while they were at work or elsewhere. (I thought the spontaneity would be fun/sexy/well received). Sometimes it was, other times not. Wouldn't be asking for it every day. And if a girl said no to me, I'd suck it up and deal. "Ah okay. Well I'll be after you later babe" implication that I'll wait till after they are busy to try my luck. And if it's another no, I'd assume the chick just ain't in the mood for it so I'd just shake off my horny state and go do something else. Never got violent. That shit is insane OP not gonna lie. That to me suggests he has addiction + some other behavioural issue. And I can't call what that is, I ain't an expert.

>>33504569
He has no self control or respect for you. Try therapy. Also how are you just realizing this after 6 years? Do people not talk about things before marriage now?

>>33504569
Also when you say he's gotten more violent, can you elaborate? Has he ever hit you or threatened to hit you or smashed or hit your belongings in a temper?

>>33504639
Are you the now married ex addict? If yes, I wanted to ask if some of your old habits leaked into your relationship with your now wife, even after the addiction is gone. Like asking for pics for example.

>>33504782
Surprisingly no, I got better at actually being smooth and confident in my approaches. I can get things without having to ask simply by being tactful, respectful and flirty. At least early on in the relationship with wife didn't have to ask her explicitly i just needed to express genuine interest in her and make compliments and she'd offer. Way better than my early days before as an addict. Cuz before I'd ask like some kind of tweaker trying to mask it in dirty talk that I'd picked up from porn. I cringe thinking back that I'd even had to ask. Cuz that shit isn't very sexy. It's like tugging on momma's skirt and saying "mommy can I have a booby?" lol. Didn't become a macho try hard either, didn't make abusive demands. Just something in between the lines y'know?

>>33499835 (OP)
Don't break up with him. Make it clear you want him to stop and help him get off of it. It won't be immediate but you'll be able to tell if he's actually trying or not. Ask him how he would feel if you masturbated to other men.

>>33504811
What about sex? Do you have to ask? Idk if sex is even interesting for ex porn addicts, because you clearly preferred jerking off back then, right? Did the addiction had a bad influence on your sex life?

>>33504933
Before yes, now no. Before I couldn't initiate properly without anxiety underlying my arousal, now I can do that without anxiety or from a place of desperation for my ego or my lust. And yeah it did affect my sex life, big time. You're not wrong it made me want sex less and less. At first with women, my sex drive was too full on too pushy too desperation-coded. Then the more and more I got rejections, the more I took it personally and got bent out of shape about it. Before I knew it I'd start nagging the woman (crazy right? A grown man nagging) about the lack of sex. Then the sex turned shit because it became a chore for the woman and just some half-cooked neurotic way to scratch my itch. Then I'd slowly prefer porn more and more because I'd not have to deal with the stress or catastrophic dead bedroom I had a hand in creating. Thankfully all is well now with me though.

>>33504955
So it did affect your life before you got married. Understandable since it was big part of your life (I was able to jerk off for hours daily). Did it affect your sex life in marriage? I want to basically know if one is able to build a good, sexually fulfilling relationship after you fucked up yourself with this disgusting addiction.

>>33505026
>Did it affect your sex life in marriage? I want to basically know if one is able to build a good, sexually fulfilling relationship after you fucked up yourself with this disgusting addiction.

Nah. I'd mostly cleaned up my sloppiness by then. By sloppiness I mean the coomer brained sex 'style' I had before. I thought I was good at sex before, turns out nah. Turns out women, especially when you date as a young man, have a tendency to tell white lies. They pretend you did a good job because they like you or want your love so they say what you wanna hear while hiding the fact that you went from 0 - hammering to hard and fast and hurt her during your frenzied porn inspired flurry of 'fucking'. So I wasn't sloppy at it no more. Corny as it sounds I learned how to actually make love instead of just fucking. Same thing just a difference in vibe and pace. That took a learning curve and patience and being bold enough to ask for feedback and accept honest criticism but I quickly sorted myself out. So yea you can build a good sexually fulfilling relationship even if you fucked your brain on porn man it just means you need to unlearn a bunch of shit and then relearn how to have sex like a human and not a fake actor.

Cuz porn is fake you know that right? The actors and actresses do a bunch of drugs before shoots to help with pain tolerance, doing shit like poppers the men are eating Viagra like it's Skittles and then they fool viewers into believing they went for three hours straight by using smart sneaky edits in between cuts etc. and if you started watching porn at an early age like 12 or 13 or 14 that shit sticks in your psyche y'know? Really fucks up your expectations of actual real sex. But it can be unlearned that much I promise ya

>>33505079
Good to hear there is hope for me lol. Did you learn good sex with your wife? I assume it has to be her because who would care about woman’s needs if she would be just a fling.

>>33504642
I know it might sound crazy, but when i first met him, he was completely against watching porn. 2 years into dating he relapsed again, and I helped him throughout. He was fine until we got married. We had a few rocky arguments here and there, but it wasn't as bad as now. I try to understand him as much as I could. Maybe you're right anon, I guess it was a little naive of me to marry him when he had relapsed beforehand. I just wanted to trust him.

>>33504751
Not physical, no, but he has gotten mad at me and avoided me for a whole day when I advised him not to watch porn often. He has also hid things from me out of spite in exchange of sex. After our talk, he also admitted that he did want to hit me a few times throughout the conversation, which was pretty hurtful. He's not the man I fell in love with at all, now all he talks about is sex.

>>33504639
It baffles me too. I don't want to argue with any porn addicts in the thread because, well, it's their life. I do certainly believe there is at least something else that is making him this violent and perhaps his porn addiction triggers it (?
He was not mean to me until he got addicted to it again, and now he cant let go of it.

>>33505171
>Did you learn good sex with your wife?has to be her because who would care about woman’s needs if she would be just a fling.
Yep. And that's why I thankfully didn't get into flings or casual sex etc. my addiction was kept at bay with porn. But yeah there's not only hope for you, there's a certainty of getting better. You just need to make a vow to yourself that you don't deserve the slop that porn offers. That you should and are capable of much fiber and more fulfilling ways of bonding. Then just work on treating yourself right mentally. Any self hate or negative self talk start challenging it etc.

>that is making him this violent and perhaps his porn addiction triggers it?

Idk femanon. What I can tell you from my own side of things as a man who was an addict is the root of the problem wasn't the porn. Porn was a symptom of the disease. One that doesn't help and preys on addicts to make money. But really the root is about control. The loss of control.

Y'know when men start to feel they are sinking, losing an inner battle. We fake confidence, we fight a losing battle and pretend we are winning. We might mask it with deprecating humor or we might get real controlling real fast because we are hungry to grab control over what we feel is life going to shit.

And we are problem solver minded. We REALLY think that our problems are something we need to control. And the more we can't get that control the angrier we get the more aggressive we become until we end up as a shadow of our former selves.

I think this porn addict shit and aggression level is probably symptomatic of a deeper issue.

Did anything happen in his life recently where he may have felt he lost control? Losing a job? Someone die on him? Relative get cancer? Was he assaulted physically or in an accident in the past few years? That sort of shit. That'd be the trigger. Porn just becomes the gunpowder.

>>33504569
>Called in, they told me he's been watching porn in the office.
That alone is enough of a reason to dump him. That level of porn addiction is something people don't come back from.

>>33504811
Just waiting for someone to post a porn pic and you relapsing. Porn addicts stay porn addicts, you’re just too scared to admit that. I wonder what your ideal wife would do about it?