Thread 33805853

I go to college. I don't know how college works in other countries but a bunch of us are put in a class for 4 years and taught the same syllabus based on what degree we chose.

I don't hate anyone, nobody openly hates me. I have helped a lot of people with minor things, and other people have helped me as well. My male classmates treat me like a human. Only because they have to put up with me for 4 years and my college has strict anti harassment policies (some of them bullied me in my first year, and eventually stopped because of the very strict policies, now they treat me like a fellow human. there was no reason for them to bully me however, I did absolutely nothing to bother them in any way). They welcome me to their "group" out of formality, nobody actually enjoys my presence. They only do it because I have helped them before and may help them in the future with college work and other things if they were nice to me. The female classmates, I only talk to some of them and they will say I am their friend but they don't actually think of me as a friend, they smile when we make eye contact and stuff but that too, is out of formality. They aren't excited to see me. I have helped some women with things too, and some women have helped me with things. I don't have a problem with those women, or any woman. We just exist. And they pretend to like me.

If I suddenly stopped going to college, absolutely nobody will care, nobody will be looking forward to see me in the morning, even those who smile and say hi when I meet them. Nothing in their life will change. And a few days later when they learn that I am dead, they will just keep living their life.

The men will continue jerking off to porn in their houses (they openly talk about it to other men even when I am with them) while having no plan for survival (yeah I asked most of them what they will do after college, most said they don't know, and only a few said they will pursue a career related to their degree, and they don't have the skills and don't seem to try to develop those skills, and only a minority of them, that I could count with my one hand, do have the skills and plan to pursue a career related to their degree). And the women will continue adoring those men (yeah I eavesdropped, not by choice, I was forced to hear such things about those women liking those men, and wanting to spend time with them, from those women). They will forget about me very quickly. I don't matter to them.

The smile in those women when they see men other than me is very real and genuine and some even get excited to meet them, and enjoy their presence. Some people in our class are in relationships, obviously. And the men only pretend to like me and do the formal greetings when we meet because they want me to do something for them. If it was impossible for me to do the things they want done, they will not bother.

>>33805866

There is one girl in particular that has helped me a lot with academic things, I am thankful for that and I will help her when I get the chance. I did have the chance and I was right about to help her when she found a solution to her problem herself. I don't know how to word this without making it sound like how I don't want it to sound, English is not my first language. She is not interested in me, and I don't hate her for that. She is the person that helped me the most while I helped her little (she has the highest ratio of her helping me vs me helping her). Still, her smile is fake, she literally doesn't care if I exist or not, all the interactions with women feel forced including her. I try to genuinely be nice and polite and I can clearly see it in their eye that they don't want to do it and yet they do. This one girl in particular, well I was very shy in my first year and never talked to anyone. She called me and asked help with something and told me to send some file in email. I fucked up and got nervous and pretended I was doing something very important and eventually sent her the file the next day, but she didn't need it since she managed fine without that file. So fast forward 2 years, we helped each other by chance for once and the incident where I almost helped her happened and she helps me now and then.

I hate myself for doing that in the first year and I regret it to this day, maybe that is the reason she still hates me and pretends to like me.

>>33805874

There is one guy who would say I am his friend an mean it but only because I am the only person who understands what he has to say about a lot of things going on in our lives, and me and him unironically bonded over college work stuff and further bonded over hobbies. Even then, he would have not cared about me if everyone else had the, I don't know how to say it but, the thing to care about and understand most of what he has to say, without being forced. I don't want to make it sound like we 2 are the only intelligent beings but we both care more about things that matter than most people around us, and that is one of the reasons we bonded and if more people cared about what actually matters, he would have never cared about me in the first place.

I don't desire for everyone to think of me all the time, I don't desire to be some kind of being loved by all. I don't desire women to be head over heels in love with me. I don't desire anyone to stop being who they are and do something out of ordinary for me. I just wish if someone hated me, it was for a real and valid reason and they were open about it so I can change it about myself.

I wish I was some kind of Nazi or Muslim or some other bad person like they portray in the media who has no regard for human life because at least that way their hatred against me will have a good reason, much better than being disliked for just existing. I actually care about human life and dislike innocent people and animals being harmed.

They just think of me as an inanimate object that just exists to do its function, and they make it like a schedule to interact with me, and would never care if the object stopped existing. I sometimes even think everyone secretly wishes for me to be gone, because whenever I talk to someone for whatever reason, it feels like I am being a distraction or quicktime event that needs to be skipped.

>>33805853 (OP)
I won't read threads with such an unpromising subject line, especially if they're a tsunami wall-of-text, because it means a long, very boring moaning session. OP is simply venting and no advice is possible.

>>33805875

I am also very ugly which adds fuel to the fire.

I have a family and they "love" me only because they have to and I am their blood. They at least don't secretly hate me, but if I died right now they will perform the funeral and move on, maybe think about me for a few years and have my ugly face hanged around. But only because I am their blood, they didn't choose to have me specifically as their child, as in they would have given the exact same treatment if a different child was born. I don't hate them for that, it is just a custom, they are putting up with me because it would look bad in the society if they didn't.

Nobody outside my family will genuinely like me. I am not desirable. I will never be likeable. Nobody will be excited to see me. I will live alone. And die alone. And the rest of the world wouldn't even care (except for those who would be dependent on me, like if I get a job and the company cannot find a replacement for my role and I died when the job is yet to be completed).

>>33805878

I am posting here because /b/ is full of sexy pics. I know nobody will care about me anyways.