Thread 33891210

This year my father's first cousin suddenly passed away. This really shook me up and because of that I started going to therapy, where I also got diagnosed for OCD. Now I am better than I was initially since the passing, but I am still feeling really anxious about stuff, specifically for my father's well being since he has a somewhat similar problem with drinking as did the cousin in question had, but on a smaller scale. However all this worry got exponentially raised because during the initial period in question, while I was in a panic mode, I made probably the stupidest decision in my life. And that was to enroll in major that I don't really want to study, in a university i dislike. My initial thought process was that I should get a higher education so I could get a well paid job and with it I can lift some of the financial burden of the shoulders of my parents and eventually, hopefully, it would have meant that my father would have started to take his own health and bad habits more seriously, maybe even go to rehab if truly necessary. But all that has pretty much fell apart by now. And that's because right after the moment I enrolled i noticed that my second cousin, the niece of the of my father's first cousin, attended this university before died. Also before that, during her first semester there, her dad also died. Aside from her, there's this one other cousin, not related to them, that had his bachelor's degree from there and his father has also died. I don't know if it's because of the OCD or I may have some other mental disorder but I started to make the association that if I go to said university something may happen to my dad. So I am unsure how to proceed forward from now on.

Continued:
What should I do bros? The first month of the semester came and went by with me not going to a single lecture. I requested from the dean of my faculty a more flexible and limited schedule compared to the other students and thankfully my wish was granted, but still it's only for the first semester and I am still warry of going. I got in this one in the first place because there isn't many other options for a university where I am from. This is one of the only ones in the nearby city where I could've gotten in and did actually, the other one is a specialized fine arts academy for which I need to get ready for months (sometimes even years) in ahead and need to have the local equivalent of a high GAP to enter. The other ones worth going to in my shithole county (I am from eastern europe) are it the other big cities and they are far away from where i live. There also exist the option for enrolling in a university abroad, but I can't really afford that. Also I can't move away right now,because of therapy.

Also forgot to mention important piece of information. I can't quit either because the big sister of my cousin (the one that went to the same university as I am in now) did this already. She went to university for a semester or two and dropped out, afterwards her and her's sister father and uncle died.

i dont know man, the best thing would be to just drop out or something, and just do something to make it seem distnct from the other instance of someone leaving , though the nature of what would make it distinct would be discoverable only by you

>>33891210 (OP)
Its all not that deep. Be kind kind to your loved ones and chill the fuck out

>>33891328
Well the plan was and still is to do everything differently from how they've done it. Only problem is I fuck up at every step on the way from the bad decisions I make and things end up looking rather similar.

Bump

Bump

No idea.

>>33891210 (OP)
You will figure it out dont give up.

>>33900510
Thanks

>>33891210 (OP)
Everything you do is to try and control your father's health.

No matter what you do, you can't control your father's health. This is the core of your trauma. And it's ruining your life.
Get out of university and do what you truly want. Even if you do everything right, your dad could get sick and die completely randomly.
Accept that you can't control it and the anxiety will go away. Go to therapy. It will be very uncomfortable but you're still young and haven't ruined your life yet.

Your dad WILL DIE. Parents die before their children. That's how it's almost guaranteed it will be. Go to therapy and learn to accept that.

>>33903592
That's easier said than done. Infact I had the chance to pursue what I wanted but I wasted it away being a neet.

>>33891210 (OP)
You mentioned going to therapy. Aside from the OCD diagnosis, what else did the therapist say?

>>33891210 (OP)
>And that's because right after the moment I enrolled i noticed that my second cousin, the niece of the of my father's first cousin, attended this university before died. Also before that, during her first semester there, her dad also died. Aside from her, there's this one other cousin, not related to them, that had his bachelor's degree from there and his father has also died. I don't know if it's because of the OCD or I may have some other mental disorder but I started to make the association that if I go to said university something may happen to my dad. So I am unsure how to proceed forward from now on.

Yes, that is 100% classic OCD. Every single thing you wrote is OCD behavior. Your core fear is the death of your parents and somehow you causing it or aiding in it. You need an OCD therapist to do ERP and consider an SSRI.

>>33908743
Well she said that i should at least try and go for a week to the lectures and then decided if it's for me.

>>33910005
I looked up what ERP and SSRI mean and i'am not sure but i think i may have done both? For the SSRI i have been taking this food supplement that has serotonin in it, i am off it now but i will be using it again after some time. While i am even leas sure for the sort's of therapy i am under, I can for sure say that she wants to see more activity from me. And one of the main things she wants from me that i can do is attending some lectures. That in her reasoning will be a huge step for my recovery, but i
feel unsure about it.