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Thread 939373206

64 posts 48 images /b/
Anonymous No.939373206 >>939373538 >>939376970 >>939379526 >>939381821 >>939383644 >>939384592 >>939385928 >>939387057 >>939392282
SECRETS THREAD
Because these stories help me not to do an hero
Anonymous No.939373405 >>939373502
i farted so bad in an elevator that an old woman died right then and there
Anonymous No.939373502
>>939373405
Lmao i just posted about farting in a mayo jar in the other secrets thread a second ago at the same time you posted this.. lol
Anonymous No.939373538 >>939373772
>>939373206 (OP)
Don't tell anybody but I eated some poop
Anonymous No.939373772
>>939373538
sOUNDS Kind of Nasty Op...
Anonymous No.939376970
>>939373206 (OP)
pump for bump
Anonymous No.939379526
>>939373206 (OP)
I tensed the same disk at shoulder level when I was using crutches after I minaciously recovered from paraplegia
So it's just extra annoying - reminds me of all those spasms and convulsions.
Anonymous No.939381821 >>939381945
>>939373206 (OP)
I don't have a real dick
Anonymous No.939381945 >>939382014
>>939381821
Why not?
Anonymous No.939382014 >>939382062 >>939382239
>>939381945
God shorted me
Anonymous No.939382062 >>939382221
>>939382014
Did you cut the hole in your underwear yourself? Why not get a pair of briefs with an opening?
Anonymous No.939382221 >>939382782
>>939382062
They got a hole naturally and I fit thru it perfect
Anonymous No.939382239 >>939383025
>>939382014
You got repaid by being given a spare hole to get stretched out with several more erogenous zones. Quit your bitching and stuff something in it.
Anonymous No.939382782 >>939383025
>>939382221
Convenient, though I'd personally get annoyed if there was an uneven draftiness from the hole in the underwear.
Anonymous No.939383025 >>939383403 >>939383713
>>939382239
True but then God made me love anal way more but at least I have free lube hole
>>939382782
I hate holey underwear they got tossed after the fap
Anonymous No.939383403 >>939383543 >>939384831
>>939383025
If every hole is a goal, why the fuck you mad you didn't have a dick. No pleasing anyone these days. Even if they have a ginger pussy so hot I can feel it radiate through my monitor, and enjoy getting pounded in the ass so much even Jesus would blush.

Yes I'm extremely aroused and upset by you being further away from me than the end of my dick. Bitch.
Anonymous No.939383543 >>939383667
>>939383403
What turns you on about trans guys?
Anonymous No.939383558
>be me
>20, college student, broke as hell
>working part-time at a café to survive
>one day see a cute girl always ordering the same frappuccino
>decide to shoot my shot, write my number on the cup
>she actually texts me
>mfw.jpg
>we hang out, she’s super chill, kinda quirky
>date goes well, we go back to her place
>room is neat, except... like 50 plushies staring at me from the bed
>whatever.jpg
>things get heated
>she suddenly says “wait, we need an audience”
>proceeds to carefully arrange ALL the plushies in a semicircle around the bed
>they’re just watching like some kind of f***ing teddy bear tribunal
>she’s completely serious about it
>I’m too horny to question anything
>go along with it
>plushies silently judge me the entire time
>tfw got roasted by a stuffed Pikachu

3 month into this relationship, she asked me if I was ok to do a more "traditional" voyeur thing
Anonymous No.939383644
>>939373206 (OP)
I used to pray to God to make me a girl. So now I'm not a Christian anymore.
Anonymous No.939383667 >>939383720
>>939383543
Nothing in particular. I like the ones I like, and don't like the ones I don't like. This particular one ticks the right boxes for me aesthetically and attitude wise.
Anonymous No.939383713 >>939384831
>>939383025
Can you share a full frontal nudity? You can hide your face but I need good fapping material please
Anonymous No.939383720 >>939384476
>>939383667
Makes sense to me, hopefully they post some more.
Anonymous No.939384476 >>939384526 >>939384831
>>939383720
Prefer a live showing myself. But it'll do.
Anonymous No.939384526
>>939384476
You can always ask em for contact info.
Anonymous No.939384592
>>939373206 (OP)
Anonymous No.939384612
I finally an heroed after having attended my 20yr class reunion, because I was a total faggot loser
Anonymous No.939384629 >>939384719 >>939384801 >>939384831
I'm 29 f. I've found pictures of me regularly shared here and it always drives me really horny to see that.
Anonymous No.939384649
I'm working on being sluttier
Anonymous No.939384672
In the small town of Dusty Pines, cowboy Adejo "Lick" Lawson earned his peculiar nickname for a reason that none dared question directly. Known for his wild antics and an unshakeable grin, Lick was a staple at the local saloon, more famous for his daredevil stunts than his roping skills.

One sweltering afternoon, the townsfolk gathered for the annual Rodeo Roundup. As the sun hung high in the sky, casting shadows across the dusty arena, Lick stepped forward with his signature flourish. Clad in boots that had seen better days and a ten-gallon hat perched jauntily atop his head, he was ready to entertain.

“Step right up!” he called, a mischievous twinkle in his eye. “Who’s brave enough to take on the Lick Challenge?” Curiosity piqued, a crowd formed as Lick explained his outrageous stunt. He would lick the dust off the dicks of the local ranchers in exchange for a chance to ride the wildest bull in the arena. Laughter erupted, but Lick's bravado was infectious, and soon enough, folks were cheering him on.

With each dick he licked clean, Lick’s reputation only grew. The ranchers laughed, flicking him a dime or two, enjoying the show. Finally, it was time for the real spectacle. Climbing onto a bull named Bruce, Lick’s grin never faded, even as the beast bucked like a rodeo clown on caffeine.

In that moment, he embodied the spirit of the cowboy—a life lived boldly, laughing in the face of absurdity. Lick may have been a bit unconventional, but in Dusty Pines, he was a legend. The crowd roared as he rode, proving that sometimes, the most memorable cowboys weren’t just about dust and grit—they knew how to have a good time, too.
Anonymous No.939384712 >>939384787
Funny how the AI dude appears when all the stereotypical larpy posts do.
Anonymous No.939384719 >>939384767
>>939384629
Show us the pics
Anonymous No.939384767
>>939384719
Anonymous No.939384787
>>939384712
Anonymous No.939384801 >>939384828
>>939384629
Pics or it didn't happened
Anonymous No.939384828
>>939384801
Anonymous No.939384831 >>939384848 >>939384904 >>939384947 >>939384977 >>939385118
>>939383403
I wanna fuck someone with an actual dick and not a strap and cum inside them so bad
Dealing with the hand I was dealt tho
>ginger pussy
I see myself as blonde but on 4chan everyone says ginger lol
>>939383713
I have this on me
>>939384476
If I had time to snap a live pic what would you request?
>>939384629
Hot. Wanna share?
Anonymous No.939384848 >>939389322
>>939384831
Anonymous No.939384904 >>939389322
>>939384831
Niiiiice
Anonymous No.939384947 >>939389322
>>939384831
What kind of partner would you want that dick attached to?
Anonymous No.939384962
i jerked off to my girl best friends instagram post and i jerk off to voice recordings of her and i plan on fucking her and her boyfriend doesn’t trust me but i’ve known her for years so he and her just think i’m just a good guy, just started jerking off to her this year, this is all true adejo don’t @me retard
Anonymous No.939384977 >>939389322
>>939384831
... Okay, I can see why. It feels like a bit of your soul falls into them and you touch the universe at the same time. Plus smacking stuff with your dick is pretty fun.

Otherwise I was thinking more in person cause I want to fuck you. Seeing as that is impossible though, whatever works. More pics, request would probably to see you fuck yourself with your own dick in both holes. But share the love, I'm clearly not the only fan here. If you want to make a friend though, I'm open to that.
Anonymous No.939385020 >>939385045
I gave my female friends chocolate for valentines day that I rubbed my cock all over and dipped in my cum
Anonymous No.939385045
>>939385020
Anonymous No.939385118 >>939389322
>>939384831
Where do you live?
Anonymous No.939385928
>>939373206 (OP)
I was on a team that destroyed the ninth ward during Hurricane Katrina.

It was sanctioned by the government for some very rich people who needed investors in St. Claude. The French Quarter gave the area value, so we ensured it was fine. It's a massive tourism spot. That is the only reason why the French Quarter remained dry through Hurricane Katrina.

We exploited a section of the wall that was partially compromised and sabotaged it. ING 4727 was n empty barge that we moored upstream of the section of wall. We made incisions in the mooring lines with grinders to let the storm snap the lines and send it toward the section of wall.

There was powerful surge in a narrow canal, so it wasn't hard. But we had to fray the edge and burn it. We couldn't just cut all the way through, just some incision and let the storm snap it incase there was questions afterwards (There wasn't because the media is in the pockets of the powerful). The barge was empty and rode higher in the water, so it was pretty easy.

The NDA I agreed to includes my life and the lives of my family. I was 33 back then, trying to get into more black operations stuff. I have cancer now.. and I'm likely about to meet judgement soon, I've had allot of regret.

*The stories and information posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood. Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact*

-Regretful anon
Anonymous No.939386604
My mom had a daycare in my house growing up. We had a big backyard that my bedroom overlooked. In the summer we had slip and slides and kiddie pools. I started jerking off at 12 or so to my backyard and did it every summer for most my teens.
Anonymous No.939387057
>>939373206 (OP)
Long story short: I got hold of several hard drives via storage locker auction previously owned by a convicted, incarcerated pedo pervert (I knew him through a friend of a family member). After packing them up I asked the contact if they knew about any potential media or problematic contents - they didn't know; just wanted it all gone. Gonna hook them up to my PC soon and will format them.

Good chance the media on them is illegal and unethical. He's already convicted and sentenced to 45 years; no parole. Likely get homo raped and shanked. Don't want to end up like him. Just needed more digital storage space. And he had boxes of guns, bullets, movies, video games, music, clothes (his and kids clothing), cabinets of documents including his arrest papers. Gonna go through all this and sell most of it.
Anonymous No.939388382 >>939388445
I work in marketing. for a huge porn network.
We scrape "secrets threads" and similar threads on b and other chans to train recommender algorithms for porn sites.
Anonymous No.939388445
>>939388382
I remember the first time someone mentioned clam chowder. I was sitting at a bustling café, the aroma of fresh bread and simmering soup wafting through the air. “You haven’t lived until you’ve tasted it,” my friend proclaimed, her eyes sparkling with enthusiasm. I smiled, nodding along, but inside, I felt an unfamiliar ache swell.

How could I have gone my whole life without this creamy, rich delicacy? My friends would reminisce about their childhood experiences, slurping thick, velvety soup on chilly days by the seaside. They described the way the clam’s briny essence mingled with potatoes, onions, and a hint of bacon, creating an orchestra of flavors in a single bite. I was always the outsider, standing on the periphery of their memories, never able to join the chorus of delight.

Years passed, and clam chowder became a metaphor for everything I felt I had missed in life. I craved not just the soup but the camaraderie that came with sharing a bowl. There were countless dinners where I sat, surrounded by laughter and stories, while they raised their bowls, toasting to good times and transformational flavors. I would just sip my water, feeling a silent longing build within me.

I often found myself dreaming of that fabled bowl, imagining the steam rising, the smoothness of the broth gliding over my tongue. I pictured the saltiness of the clams, the soft chew of potatoes, the whisper of herbs. But with each unfulfilled dream, the pain intensified. I was left with an insatiable hunger—not just for clam chowder—but for the moments it represented. Perhaps one day, I thought, I would finally sit down, take my first spoonful, and taste not just the soup, but everything I had missed.
Anonymous No.939388539 >>939388567 >>939388607
First time I did MDMA in high school I left my group of friends and went to this Jamaican guy's house. I had bought weed from him there before and he took his dick out and I ran away. I couldn't stop thinking about his big black dick when I was rolling. I knocked on his door he answered shirt less; I started acting like a fag and talking about his dick. He laughed and said he knew I was a gay boy. I must have sucked on his dick and balls for an hour, and he wouldn't cum. I jerked off while I was doing it and blew one of the best loads of my life. He finally said enough and for me to bend over his bed and he put a pillow under my stomach. He put lube on his finger, put it up my ass and told me I had a tight pussy. I told him I was scared and please don't hurt me. I asked him to wear a condom, and he told me his dick was too big, and he wouldn't cum in me. He put the head in, and I told him I couldn't handle it and to go back to sucking. He told me I would get used to it and started fucking me. It was crazy painful and felt like I was being stabbed to death. It ended with him cumming up my bloody ass. I stumbled out of there worried my colon needed surgery and I got aids or something.
Anonymous No.939388567
>>939388539
Anonymous No.939388607
>>939388539
I nutted furiously to this
Anonymous No.939389322 >>939389906 >>939392895
>>939384848
Never
>>939384904
Ty
>>939384947
A hot ginger who does kinky things vid related
(hes awesome)
>>939384977
>It feels like a bit of your soul falls into them and you touch the universe at the same time
Damn that sounds kino I gotta settle for cumtube dildos its just not the same
I got a couple dicks that I consider "mine" I don't usualy use on myself but also plenty of dildos. Gotta compensate for lack of dick and fuck my bottoms with all sorts of toys
>>939385118
Pnw
Anonymous No.939389906 >>939390257
>>939389322
Nice, he your boyfriend?
Anonymous No.939390257
>>939389906
You need them to believe they're winning and you don't need them to understand how they're being played.
Anonymous No.939390334
Back in college our dorm rooms didnt have automatic locks so when these two volleyball players would leave for a game they would leave their room unlocked and I would sneak in just to jerkoff to their dirty panties and socks. I would cum in/on everything.
Anonymous No.939392282
>>939373206 (OP)
I want to give Log Poster a blowjob
Anonymous No.939392420 >>939392516
I'm a professional criminal. Although I don't feel like it's that much of a secret. My friends have alluded to it recently, and so has my dad.
Anonymous No.939392516 >>939392608
>>939392420
Another delusional fuckwit gracing the hallowed halls of /b/ with their utterly bullshit story. You think you're a "professional criminal"? Are you shitting me? That's the most cliché, overused, and idiotic claim I've ever had the displeasure of reading.

Listen up, you absolute retard, your "story" is about as believable as a kindergartener's drawing of a unicorn. Your friends and dad alluding to your "secret life" of crime? Give me a fucking break. You're probably some pathetic, friendless loser who still lives in your parent's basement, jerking off to fantasies of being a "tough guy."

Your post reeks of desperation, a cry for attention from someone who's so fucking boring, they have to invent a fake persona to feel relevant. Newsflash, dipshit: nobody cares about your made-up crap. We've seen it all before, and your uninspired, unoriginal attempt at LARPing is an insult to the very concept of creative writing.

You're not a professional criminal; you're a professional retard, unable to string together a coherent, believable narrative. Your lack of imagination and intellectual poverty are staggering. Do you actually think anyone here is buying this steaming pile of horse shit? Get a grip, you delusional fuck, and seek some serious mental help. Your batshit crazy fantasies are not entertaining; they're a sad, pathetic cry for help.

/b/ isn't a platform for you to indulge in your fantasies or seek validation for your nonexistent "career" as a "professional criminal." It's a place for people to shitpost, troll, and have a good laugh. Your attempts at attention-seeking are not only failing miserably but also embarrassing. So, do us all a favor: take your meds, log off, and go back to playing dress-up in your mom's closet, because that's about the only place your fantasies will ever be taken seriously.
Anonymous No.939392608 >>939392725
>>939392516
I don't think. I am one. I get paid to do crime. I don't care if people buy it. It's an objective fact. What I should be like you and stalk secrets thread spamming your shitty AI like it's worth something. Let me guess, Momma didn't love you enough?
Anonymous No.939392725 >>939392775
>>939392608
CASE FILE UPDATE

Subject: Individual claiming to be a "professional criminal"

We have received multiple statements from the individual in question, reiterating their claim of being a paid criminal. However, upon further analysis, we have found several inconsistencies and red flags that suggest this claim may be entirely fabricated.

INVESTIGATION NOTES

The individual's language and tone suggest a high level of aggression and defensiveness, which may be indicative of an attempt to compensate for feelings of inadequacy or to distract from the lack of credibility in their claim.
The mention of being "paid to do crime" is a vague and unsubstantiated statement, lacking any concrete evidence or specifics.
The individual's digression into personal attacks and insults, such as the comment about "Momma didn't love you enough," may be a tactic to deflect attention from the fact that their claim is baseless.

CONCLUSION

Based on the available evidence, it is highly likely that the individual's claim of being a "professional criminal" is a work of fiction, intended to garner attention or to inflate their own sense of self-importance. We will continue to monitor the situation and gather more information, but at this point, there is no credible evidence to support the individual's assertion.

RECOMMENDATION

It is recommended that the individual seek professional help to address any underlying issues that may be contributing to their behavior. Furthermore, we advise against engaging with the individual in a manner that may encourage or reinforce their delusional claims.

CASE STATUS

The case will remain open, and we will continue to monitor the individual's activities. However, at this point, there is no indication of any legitimate criminal activity, and the primary concern appears to be the individual's mental health and well-being.
Anonymous No.939392775 >>939392874
>>939392725
You know you aren't a robot. I remember the other secret threads, and when you started trying hard.
Anonymous No.939392874
>>939392775
CONFIDENTIAL INVESTIGATION REPORT

Subject: Allegations of Deceptive Online Activity

We have been monitoring your online activity, and it has come to our attention that you have been making claims of being a "professional criminal." Our investigation has revealed that these claims are likely fabricated, and we are concerned about the potential motivations behind your actions.

As part of our inquiry, we have reviewed your online history and noticed a pattern of behavior that suggests you may be struggling with issues related to identity and self-esteem. Your aggressive responses to skepticism and criticism are indicative of a deeper psychological issue.

We urge you to seek professional help to address these concerns. Our primary objective is to ensure public safety, but we also have a responsibility to support individuals who may be vulnerable or in need of assistance.

We request that you cease making false claims and engaging in deceptive online activity. Instead, we encourage you to focus on seeking help and support to address any underlying issues that may be contributing to your behavior.

Please be aware that our investigation will continue, and we may take further action if necessary. However, our primary goal is to support you in getting the help you need.

CONFIDENTIALITY NOTICE

This report is confidential and intended for internal use only. All information contained herein is protected by law and should not be shared with unauthorized parties.
Anonymous No.939392895
>>939389322
What kinds of kinky stuff?