Thread 941006864

piggy gets blacked

>>941006864 (OP)

lmmfao

Can you insert Ole into the Doordash ad where the girl who has the acoustic guitar and says she doesn't want to get a boring 9 to 5?

>>941006864 (OP)
>>941006964
>>941007018
>>941007084
Looking good, Ole!

Hi my name is Ethel and I'm a little bit self-conscious about my face

thank God for piercings. there's nothing like a good distraction technique, right?

please notice my piercings and not my face. thank you!

I hope Rudy's doing okay after that tragic fender bender

I saw LOLvis at the grocery store this morning

"Time to make them go nuts"

>>941006864 (OP)
how to please your woman

things haven't exactly worked out with my last 16 girlfriends.

>>941008072
God damn He's like Jesus and Satan mixed into one. that's intimidating.

kind of wish I was a girl right now, Elvis

"she literally couldn't stop sucking his dick"

So he didn't stop driving until three states later

>>941008512
I heard Sketch Padderson got his name because he let a bunch of people learn how to draw with permanent tattoo ink on his body

>>941006864 (OP)
Way to go!

I wonder what video game I'm going to play all night tonight instead of getting my dick sucked

"within 5 months of watching anime, I was already masturbating to homosexual fantasies of child molestation"

looking good, Ole

by the way, my father would beat men unconscious in front of me and my brothers when we were kids

He was our hero

anybody that pissed my father off made a very very big mistake lol He was the wrong person to rub the wrong way

>>941009124
And that woman in the photograph?

she was an honest to God 100% real completely legitimate CLAIRVOYANT

clairvoyant = French for clear vision

Mom had a way of just pulling information out of thin air

her specialty was phone numbers she had never heard before

she didn't need to look up your goddamn phone number

she would literally pull it out of thin air. she would do that shit all the time

we would watch her do her weird clairvoyant shit, and it just seemed normal to us

>>941009124
they were a unique couple

a Marine drill instructor that wasn't afraid of anybody... and his completely clairvoyant wife who used to be a model when she was young in New York

(My mother modeled the first two-piece swimsuit before they called it a bikini)

she didn't model it on the runway or a magazine cover

she was 16 years old and the agency told her hurry up and get down to the garment district

The garment district in New York

because she was modeling the first bikini FOR THE TEXTILE PURCHASERS

before they even bought the first two-piece swimsuits, my mother was the one who modeled it for the purchasers

My grandmother and great aunt were regulars on the Perry Como Show

they were the models who would hold up the products during the commercials

"spokesmodels" , I believe they used to be called back then

My great aunt and grandmother were twin sisters

And believe it or not, there were two male twins as well, and they were assistants for THURSTON THE GREAT, Who was the biggest magician on Earth until Houdini showed up

all 100% true

In fact, if I look hard enough I'll find an old Thurston the Great poster with my two great uncles standing behind Thurston

they were his stage assistants

My family were all in the entertainment industry except on my father's side they were all ex military businessmen

But Dad fell in love with Mom because she was so different

I had another great uncle who was a really really good artist who got hired by Disney but he quit because they didn't pay worth a shit and they had all of these weird contractual rules and shit

So he quit Disney and went to New York and became a big commercial artist working for the ad agencies and shit

I'm in the entertainment business
.......................................................
The business of entertaining MYSELF™

I can keep myself entertained 24/7, while other people can't seem to last more than 30 minutes

YOU ARE NOW WITNESSING THE FIRST ASEXUAL GENERATION OF YOUNG ADULT MALES IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND

for the first time since the dawn of Man, playing video games was more important than fucking sweet Sally in the backseat of your car

tak tsk tsk

>>941006864 (OP)
READY FOR SOMETHING UNUSUAL?

check out FECALMATTER on instagram
(@matieresfecales)

she's hot as fuck

And she's really scary

But it turns out she's actually very sweet and she has a hairless cat and she loves that cat so much

she's married to a complete flaming homosexual who paints all of the subcutaneous vein work on her face

He's an expert at painting vein work

she's so goddamn frightening It's hard to tell she's actually smoking fucking hot

like SUPER hot

I would fuck the ever living dog shit out of her

they'd have to spray me with a hose to get me to stop fucking that bitch

Like when two dogs get connected during copulation and you have to spray them with water to make the dogs erection go down so they can separate?

her husband is completely fucking bizarre and gay as shit but they are very much in love and she's totally happy with him

they live in AN ABSOLUTELY FUCKING BEAUTIFUL LUXURY PENTHOUSE APARTMENT IN A HIGH-RISE IN PARIS FRANCE!!!!

they make money being weird
And they are living in luxury

If you see her without the makeup suddenly you realize "oh my God she's so fucking pretty!! she's just a sweet normal pretty girl!"

SHE HATES THE ENTIRE FUCKING HUMAN RACE WITH A PASSION

JUST LIKE ME

SHE AND I WOULD GET ALONG PERFECTLY

WE BOTH HATE HUMAN BEINGS SO MUCH WE WANT EVERY HUMAN ON EARTH TO FUCKING SUFFER

she makes her own prosthetic alien legs and shit

SHE'S A BADASS

I don't think I have any screenshots of her weird bizarre prosthetic alien legs

you'll see them on Instagram

they are complete legs all the way up to the hips, like Hollywood quality

But it makes it look like her knees bend backwards and she has an extra knee and alien feet and it's just insane

It's completely fucking insane You really have to see it to understand

And she's actually gorgeous she's absolutely fucking gorgeous she's so goddamn hot

I read an interview with her where they asked her how she came up with the name FECAL MATTER

And I loved her answer...

"The human race are pieces of shit"

And quite honestly?

That's when I fell in love with her

"It's because the human race are pieces of shit"

OH MY GOD PLEASE MARRY ME PLEASE FUCKING MARRY ME I WILL MURDER MY WIFE RIGHT NOW PLEASE MARRY ME

>>941010572

notice what this one says:

MUTATION IS EVOLUTION

That's actually 100% true
when I was a younger man, I had a really really good friend who was a quite literally a quantum physicist and he also worked for a defense contractor in Huntsville Alabama

He's the one who hooked my commodore Amiga up to the darknet before they called it the internet

And he's the one who explained it to me:

THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS EVOLUTION

a whale will never ever ever evolve into a giraffe

But a wolf will definitely mutate into hundreds if not thousands of breeds of dog

LIFE DOESN'T EVOLVE

LIFE MUTATES TO ADAPT TO ITS ENVIRONMENT

according to Stu, it's best to just remove the word evolution from your vocabulary because there's no such thing

her and her husband and her cat

>>941010971

noticed that he painted vein work on himself

It's Hollywood quality He's really fucking good at it

>>941010993
I love it. her prosthetic feet are half hands lol classic weird as fuck and the hunchback? fucking amazing

she sells her fake alien legs and they're expensive as shit

Like I said, they live in the nicest, swankest, most luxurious fucking glamorous penthouse high-rise overlooking Paris

wow

It's just like my mother told me when I was a kid.....

"One cannot truly be a genius unless they are first insane"

anybody who's a real genius will be perceived as being insane by all the stupid people out there. It goes with the territory. So enjoy it

Have fun with it

and ever since then, whenever I've been accused of mental illness, I always see that as an opportunity to bat those people around the way cats torture a mouse instead of killing it right away

I see it as them volunteering to be sacrificed

no shit... It's like they've walked up to the chopping block and laid their head on it and looked up at me and challenged me

NO PROBLEM, BITCH HERE WE GO

Right?....
I wouldn't have even noticed them unless they had rolled out the red carpet for me

My personal favorite technique is to demonstrate that they don't know anything about psychology whatsoever

I always find that to be a feather they Don't want to stick into their mother fucking hat

The same way a cat tortures a mouse instead of killing it right away

cats like to have fun with the injured paralyzed mouse tossing it around and playing with it like a toy

Believe it or not I was 16 years old in this photo booth picture

of course I added my head to a James Bond picture

But the head is me when I was 16 years old

now you know why they hired me as a doorman when I was 15

I didn't look 15 at all

as a matter of fact I'm going to go into some other threads and manipulate people into rolling out a red carpet for me

and play with a couple mice

tattoos are the stupidest fucking thing anybody could ever do. I don't have any goddamn tattoos.

Even Leonardo da Vinci wasn't talented enough to ruin my body with a tattoo

HOWEVER:
I'm contemplating getting a facial tattoo across my forehead that says:
"WAS IT SOMETHING I SAID?"