hello anon, how is today going? its only the start of the week, but i know you can power through it! are you drinking enough water?

>>81839854 (OP)
I called off work again, got high, then played Civ 6 while listening to music. Then watched a lets play. I don't really know what to do with my life at this point. I feel I am too limited in too many qualities and have reached the point in my life where things probably aren't going to get any better. I just don't have the capacity for it. How's your day, OP?

>>81839854 (OP)
Hu Tao poster
i just woke up
not in the sense of waking up from a nap or anything - more so in the sense that, i've been living in a dream-like state all this time, where nothing felt real

and i just woke up
i stared at my hands, i stared at my face, my teeth, i looked at everything around me - it's like... it's like my first time being alive

>>81839854 (OP)
>hello anon, how is today going?
It's going alright but I can't take it easy without a certain thread...

>>81839885
>then played Civ 6
is it any fun? apparently they're giving Civ 5 away for free on epic in a day or two and i wanna try it
>I feel I am too limited in too many qualities
i feel that way too. i kinda feel like my life has been railroaded to be a certain way no matter what i do. what would make your life better anon?
>How's your day, OP?
pretty boring... i dont really do much besides playing games and playing guitar. i did learn a new song today though that was nice
>>81839886
>more so in the sense that, i've been living in a dream-like state all this time, where nothing felt real
well thats curious. how did you end up that way?
>i stared at my hands, i stared at my face, my teeth, i looked at everything around me
sometimes, i kinda start thinking just how insane it is that im alive. that i have a consciousness that im formed by a billion cells and all that. then i feel like im wasting all of it
>it's like... it's like my first time being alive
how does it feel?
>>81839963
yeah...

>>81839854 (OP)
i had alot of vodka and benedryl through the night and now i have an awful headache and im all twitchy and restless. kinda feels like im fading out of this world slowly

>>81840237
>is it any fun?
I like it, definitely put a lot of hours into it. Although I've kind of played it to death at this point. But I am downloading Age Of Empires 2. I hear that games really good. Never played it before.
>what would make your life better anon?
A better job so I could support myself, better relationships with people, a gf. But I'm a fucking autist. So I can't really manage any of that.
>did learn a new song today though that was nice
That's pretty cool. What song? I play guitar a little too. I should probably be practicing but I'm not really feeling it today.

>>81839854 (OP)
Bloody terrible to be honest. I highly doubt you will recall but a while ago i told you about a muntjac i cut up and threw in the bin in a thread. The council has recently come and messaged me and they not only are fining me almost 200 pounds unless i appeal, they are also forcing me to go to a psych evaluation for some pointless reason due to the supposed illogisticity of disposal. Truly fuming over this. Ruddy ruined my week already. Hope you are doing good however hu anon and your week goes better than mine is happening to be.

>>81840324
oh that doesnt sound good anon. why did you drink so much? are you okay?
>kinda feels like im fading out of this world slowly
in a way i kind of wish i could feel that way more often. sometimes i completely dissociate from reality and it feels amazing for like 2 seconds until im pulled back in
>>81840396
>But I am downloading Age Of Empires 2
tried it myself, its not bad i have to say. if you like RTS games, i recommend u play Stronghold Crusader. the developers recently released a remastered version, but the original is still an amazing game and often goes on discount for like 3 bucks
>So I can't really manage any of that.
you and me both anon, i guess it is what it is. gotta find something else to look forward to
>That's pretty cool. What song?
Brand New Numb by motionless in white. it's not a hard song by any means, you can probably learn it too if you try! its fun to play.
what kind of guitar have you got?
>>81840430
>muntjac
oh yeah. i remember that. how could i forget...
>fining me almost 200 pounds
oh wow that is just crazy.
>a psych evaluation
uhm, i mean, if your first reaction to a dead animal is to cut it up and throw it in a bin i guess it kinda makes sense they're a little worried. i guess you learned your lesson though
>your week goes better than mine
hopefully no dead animals encounters for me...

>>81840516
>oh that doesnt sound good anon. why did you drink so much? are you okay?
alcohol/bene makes the world feel dreamlike, when the world usually feels very empty and cold for me. its a brief refuge
>completely dissociate from reality and it feels amazing for like 2 seconds until im pulled back in
ah:( ya, those are nice moments. reality always ruins them but any escape no matter how brief is welcome ig

>>81840237
>how did you end up that way?
that's the thing, i've always been that way
>how does it feel?
anger, confusion, it's fucking scary
then slowly i realized - holy shit, i'm alive
i can do so much stuff now

life is something else, man

Making some ramen
Wbu? What did u eat today?

>>81839854 (OP)
I've been in a wierd mood today. Can't quite describe it but I feel "off". I felt breddy gud yesterday though. I'm glad it rained really hard here today and hasn't been stupidly hot though.

>>81840604
its a brief refuge
i understand. is there nothing else that makes you feel at ease? alcohol and drugs cant be good for you in the long run. though you probably know it already... remember to drink lots of water after you're done though
>reality always ruins them but any escape no matter how brief is welcome ig
yeah... its better than nothing i guess. usually i also drink some alcohol when i really cant take dealing with reality anymore, but its usually only a beer or two. i think if i drank vodka id probably throw up or be sick
>>81840650
>that's the thing, i've always been that way
i see... then what woke you up?
>i can do so much stuff now
well, that is true! what stuff are you planning to do anon?
>life is something else, man
life is, quite literally, insane yes.
>>81840763
yum. are you putting some meat in it aswell?
>What did u eat today?
i ate some pasta, nothing too fancy. for dinner i had some stew with potators and peas. do you cook often anon?
>>81840793
>Can't quite describe it but I feel "off".
hm hm, i get what you mean with that. its usually a mix of different feelings that makes u feel that way. not bad enough to make you feel sad, not good enough to make you feel happy (or at least fine)
>I'm glad it rained really hard here today and hasn't been stupidly hot though.
god i wish i could say the same. does it get really hot usually? sure does here. drink a lot of water!

>>81840858
>i understand. is there nothing else that makes you feel at ease? alcohol and drugs cant be good for you in the long run
not really. and i dont really care about my health anymore. if i die earlier then im okay with it, i probably should already be dead anyhow
>remember to drink lots of water after you're done though
i will, thx anon
>but its usually only a beer or two. i think if i drank vodka id probably throw up or be sick
the trick to vodka is pouring it in stuff that covers up the disgusting smell and flavor like juice. then it is tolerable enough to numb the world away. anyway im sorry you feel the need to use alcohol to escape sometimes, i hope things will be better for you some day

>>81840858
>yum. are you putting some meat in it aswell
Just some ham. Haven't got anything else
>>81840858
>i ate some pasta, nothing too fancy.
What sort?
>>81840858
>do you cook often anon?
Yep! It's one of my favourite passtimes

>>81840943
>if i die earlier then im okay with it, i probably should already be dead anyhow
sorry you feel that way anon. i am also like you. i should've been dead 2 years ago but here i am. so, i guess since im here ill at least try and make my existence (and my possible future existence) somewhat bearable. maybe you could try too! but i get if you dont wanna.
>i will, thx anon
anytime!
>is pouring it in stuff that covers up the disgusting smell and flavor like juice
arent you just making a cocktail that way then?
perhaps you could look into them some more! and learn how to make good ones so that escaping from reality at least tastes nice. they're also fun to make, whenever i make them i feel like a chemist (but way more stupid)
>i hope things will be better for you some day
thank you. i hope they will get better for you too. curious though, how whenever people like us encounter each other, they always hope the other person gets better; but never themselves.
>>81841037
>Just some ham
still protein! looks tasty. what did you make the broth with?
>What sort?
it was a pasta (more specifically fusilli) with bolognese sauce. i didnt really put much effort in though cause im lazy and i dislike cooking for myself ironically enough.
>Yep! It's one of my favourite passtimes
neat! whats your favourite dish to make?

>>81839854 (OP)
I fucked up at work today. A client found a bug on their pizza and quietly told us but I was so surprised I loudly went "BUG?!". My coworker scolded me.

>>81841378
>sorry you feel that way anon. i am also like you. i should've been dead 2 years ago but here i am
i see. im going on about a year and half now for when i should have died
>so, i guess since im here ill at least try and make my existence (and my possible future existence) somewhat bearable
thats a good way to exist, its better than rotting
>maybe you could try too! but i get if you dont wanna.
i try, but i always fall back into the pit, so to speak, after awhile. i can never know what will trip me up either which is fun
>arent you just making a cocktail that way then?
i guess? lol, i just see it as pouring vodka into something and chugging it. cocktail sounds too fancy for it
>they're also fun to make, whenever i make them i feel like a chemist (but way more stupid)
thats fun! idk maybe i could, but when i drink im doing it to feel better and just want to get it over with quickly
>how whenever people like us encounter each other, they always hope the other person gets better; but never themselves.
i never noticed that, but ya. ig we all for the most part carry subconscious beliefs about ourselves not deserving to be better, that we dont hold for others. just my guess tho

>>81839854 (OP)
>power through it
dude i'm doing great. i was sent to 2 different jobs alone today and i felt very accomplished with my work. I stepped on the scale and I'm down 10 lbs from where I started with my weight loss 3 weeks ago. I paid my mortgage and it sucks that I only have 60 bucks left in my account, but that just means I have to make due with what's in the fridge until thursday.

>Are you drinking enough water
Tons of water, and I'm sweating like crazy so my pee is still dark. Gonna take a cold shower and have a big cold water and walk to the gym.

>>81841413
aw that sucks. its okay anon, mistakes happen. it wasnt your fault anyway, that bug had a suicide wish and wanted to get eaten.
>>81841559
>its better than rotting
i often wonder if its worth the trouble. honestly, im not too sure myself, but i keep telling myself it is.
>but i always fall back into the pit, so to speak, after awhile
yeah i get it. its okay, though, just keep trying!
>i just see it as pouring vodka into something and chugging it.
well, i have taken classes on how to make cocktails, so i can give you my (not very) professional insight in it: pouring things together with some ice qualifies as making a cocktail. so, the only thing you're missing is ice! and uhm, i guess accurate proportions of alcohol and juice but oh well! works anyway.
>i drink im doing it to feel better and just want to get it over with quickly
hm, i see. kinda like how i make food for myself. though i do it because otherwise ill starve to death (i wouldnt mind honestly)
>subconscious beliefs about ourselves not deserving to be better
yeah, i feel that way. i dont deserve anything good, other people do. i just need to suffer and deal with it
>>81841781
>I stepped on the scale and I'm down 10 lbs from where I started with my weight loss 3 weeks ago
nice work anon! proud of you. i hope the rest of the week goes great. is the type of work you do really physically intensive?
>Gonna take a cold shower and have a big cold water and walk to the gym.
niceu. cold showers are great for blood circulation (apparently). i wish i could always have ice cold water with me whenever i go for walks

>>81842024
>is the work you do physically intensive
sometimes. This morning I basically was sitting on the floor the whole time taking something apart, replacing a part, then putting it back together. Other times I'm running up and down stairs bringing things to people, and sometimes I'm carrying heavy machines in and out of buildings, up and down stairs. The afternoon was moderately physical, but it was just so hot. A lot of my work was in the attic of a new construction. All the building's heat rises up there, and the cooling system isn't in yet (actually I was putting together the ducts for it)

i added a boy on 4chan, he went on a schizo rant and gaslit me and confessed his "love" for me and i blocked him. but i still think i should give him another chance. i don't know. he might stab me.

>>81842073
add me, i'm so sane you'll think there's something wrong with me.

>>81842086
i'm okay thanks but good luck

>>81839854 (OP)
>how is today going?
it's going, i suppose
my sore throat is getting better and i got to fucking finally do something at work today, got to learn how to monitor application logs and propose some more improvements to it
didn't take much of my time so i mostly just stared at the screen pretending i was doing something, but yeah

>its only the start of the week, but i know you can power through it!
i believe in you as well, anon
in all of you, truly
your potential is pretty damn ludicrous, even if you doubt yourselves
we can all do great things if we try, we always find a way
>are you drinking enough water?
aye, drinking a cup right now
hopefully you are too, also posture check

>>81839854 (OP)
player hd2 and was toxic and abusive towards posts I didn't like. also, more programming

>>81842101
i'd say good luck to you too but I think the guy you're talking to needs it more. So good luck to him!

>>81842024
>i often wonder if its worth the trouble. honestly, im not too sure myself, but i keep telling myself it is.
ya i understand that. i guess while we are here we might as well keep trying, not much else to do.
>pouring things together with some ice qualifies as making a cocktail
i see, interesting!! cocktail classes sound like fun honestly, did you enjoy them?
>kinda like how i make food for myself. though i do it because otherwise ill starve to death (i wouldnt mind honestly)
i suppose its like that, ya
>yeah, i feel that way. i dont deserve anything good, other people do. i just need to suffer and deal with it
i wish we didnt feel that way about ourselves. ive tried to stop thinking that way and i just cant. i hope youll escape it someday atleast.

>>81842121
do you think i should talk to him or not i kind of feel bad for him and i kind of want my dick sucked but he seems crazy

>>81842297
I'd say trust your gut. Even if the guy is tolerably crazy, being on again off again with him will only make him worse. I wouldn't want someone to give me a chance romantically because they feel bad for me and because they're horny. Find someone you don't have to feel bad for.

>>81842380
>Find someone you don't have to feel bad for.
you're right. a relationship founded on pity and lust will not last. he needs more time to figure himself out.

>>81842067
ah i see, doesnt seem too bad but definitely not comfy either. keep an eye on your posture when you lift things or your back is gonna hate you. do you like what you do?
>>81842073
>but i still think i should give him another chance
from the brief description you gave me of this individual im not too sure you should anon, but yknow, its your life.
>>81842111
trips checked
>got to learn how to monitor application logs and propose some more improvements to it
woah. impressive! i could never do computer job stuff.
>i believe in you as well, anon
thank you junas, though my potential has long been wasted. i guess i just have to make peace with it
>hopefully you are too, also posture check
i try my best!
>>81842120
dont be mean anon. people deserve to be treated kindly
>>81842275
>i guess while we are here we might as well keep trying, not much else to do
yeah exactly, that has been my mindset for the past few years. you miss every shot you dont take
>cocktail classes sound like fun honestly, did you enjoy them?
hmm they are classy indeed! not something for a punk like me. but, i did enjoy making them and the classes were somewhat interesting. im no professional though, and its not like i could be a barman ever anyway.
>ive tried to stop thinking that way and i just cant
me too... i dont even get why.
>i hope youll escape it someday atleast.
and i hope you'll escape it too. see?!! we're doing it again!!

>>81839854 (OP)
Here's another tank. Progress on my Nagato is coming along pretty good.

>>81842548
>dont be mean anon. people deserve to be treated kindly
only the people I like.
default is politeness. stress relief is more beneficial than politeness if I have zero use or interest in the person though. therefore, bad posts will be called out the way I like.

>>81839854 (OP)
I'm ok. Going to the spa tomorrow to relax some hot tubs and steam rooms

>>81842548
>i did enjoy making them and the classes were somewhat interesting. im no professional though, and its not like i could be a barman ever anyway.
do you still enjoy making them now?
>and i hope you'll escape it too. see?!! we're doing it again!!
no escape from the cycle haha

>>81842548
>trips checked
ayy.

>i could never do computer job stuff.
we all have our talents, i guess
i mean i could never do some upper management job or be something like a historian or a writer or even an accountant, yet here we are
just gotta find your ikigai

>my potential has long been wasted.
you still have time in this earth, a lot of it in fact
so long as you have time, your potential will never cease to exist
our potential is born with us and dies with us, through and through

keep it going, anon
don't underestimate yourself, you'll only be chaining yourself down
>fly, broken wings
>i know you are still with me

>>81841378
>still protein! looks tasty. what did you make the broth with?
i used a beef cube...
>it was a pasta (more specifically fusilli) with bolognese sauce. i didnt really put much effort in though cause im lazy and i dislike cooking for myself ironically enough.
so u prefer cooking for other people?
>neat! whats your favourite dish to make?
pizza probably

going to sleep now, thank you talking with me anons. have a good rest of your day slash night!

>>81842572
woaw nice! do the road wheels spin? i will await the nagato with great anticipation.
>>81842602
>only the people I like.
nobody deserves to be the target of your outbursts though. there's better ways to take your stress out, and, if you're mean to someone then they'll be mean to you and that just creates a bad feedback loop.
>>81842753
>do you still enjoy making them now?
i haven't made any in a while, since no one in the house drinks much alcohol. but yes, its fun. if i had more money for the ingredients i guess i'd make them more. i really think you should give it a try!
>no escape from the cycle haha
you're the only one who can break it anon...
>>81842776
>we all have our talents, i guess
mine is to be mediocre at everything i do, i suppose
>you still have time in this earth
eh. i got maybe 5 years or so left. i hope its enough to do the things i wanna do but who knows. i think i had potential in the past, but i threw it all away.
>>81842823
>i used a beef cube...
oh... well... its better than no cube... but next time make a proper broth! vegetable ones are surprisingly easy to make.
>so u prefer cooking for other people?
yes. its what i'd like to do for a living aswell. i do wish i could enjoy cooking for my own self too though.
>pizza probably
solid choice! which toppings?
i like making pastas, the right way.

>>81842931
>nobody deserves to be the target of your outbursts though. there's better ways to take your stress out, and, if you're mean to someone then they'll be mean to you and that just creates a bad feedback loop.
sensible, but, in practical reality, I keep finding out that most people are more harmful as friends or neutrals than they are as enemies.

>>81842931
>i haven't made any in a while, since no one in the house drinks much alcohol. but yes, its fun.
aww, i understand. im like that with cooking. id cook if anyone in my home cared about food much
>if i had more money for the ingredients i guess i'd make them more. i really think you should give it a try!
i am also rather broke and wouldnt be able to afford making them alot aha. i cant keep lots of alcohol around either, just hideable stuff since my family worries about me becoming an alcoholic

>>81843010
People can be not harmful as friends if you're kind to them. Poisoning the well so to speak.

>>81843046
if you actually try touching grass and meeting people, you'd not say this platitude, as you'd notice quite a damn lot are abrasive, disgusting, dismissive, want to wrap you under their narrative, can throw you under the bus if there's enough plausible deniability. hostility just switches the trash encircling you to straightforward and manageable"grrrr I want to fix or exclude this overly sovereign anon like in my heroic story narratives I'm fed!". people at their best aren't worth it due to the tiresome toxic fume they already are at their neutral. I'm proven wrong only a few times out of thousands I can recall at least vaguely

>>81843186
I say this as someone who has had every friend they ever have either stab them in the back, have no time of day for them, or abandon them. I just won't let myself be cruel to others because people are cruel to myself, I don't want to become like them. I'm no hero, I am not forcing my way of thinking on you, I am just sharing my perspective if you're open to it..

>>81843242
>I am just sharing my perspective if you're open to it..
sensible since it's just a question of subjective preferences at this point, not of rationality or practically realistic morals

>>81843281 (me)
that's average end of any okay discussion with me
>yeah I guess we just have our subjectivities
amazing

good riddance people I consider to be good don't run into me anywhere often
of course lashing out at randoms became my hobby

>>81842931
>woaw nice! do the road wheels spin? i will await the nagato with great anticipation.
The Sprocket can move, along with the tracks. The wheels themselves are glued in.

>>81843707 (me)
debug console access doesn't actually fix it if u know what I mean, but I'm just schizoposting now. time to rest

>>81843707
>>81843876
I hope things look up for you regardless even if we disagree on this. Sleep well.

>>81843186
if you smell shit everywhere you go, then check the bottoms of your shoes

I had one of those "nesting dreams" today. It's when I have an already non-sensical dream and it starts mutating and twisting, becoming more and more vivid and feverish, to the point where you're not sure if you're awake or still asleep. And when I woke up the bed was soaked in sweat, this heat isn't doing me a favor.

>>81842931
>mine is to be mediocre at everything i do
jack of all trades then? seems pretty nice
there's a dude at work who's one of those, he never really went in depth in any particular area, be it infrastructure, monitoring, frontend, backend, databases, architecture, ui/ux, etc. but he's been through everything
nowadays the guy works as a consultant for the enterprise and earns pretty fucking nicely for it, despite that
you still got this, anon

>i got maybe 5 years or so left.
that's plenty
a lot can change in 5 years, and i mean a LOT
again, don't underestimate yourself, anon
you're capable of a lot more than you think

anyway, good night, hu tao anon
sweet dreams

>>81843186
>quite a damn lot are abrasive, disgusting, dismissive, want to wrap you under their narrative, can throw you under the bus if there's enough plausible deniability.
frankly that sounds like you either live in a fucking god-awful area or you simply don't go out enough
if you see everyone through a pessimistic lens then of course everyone will seem like an asshole, but it's not always like that
a lot of the time, people are too concerned about themselves and about passing a good image to actually be that kind of dickhead you paint them to be, you know? people like to keep appearances after all

it's far more likely for them to fake being nice to you because of such appearances than them actually being abrasive, disgusting, dismissive, etc.
there's also an off chance someone's actually being nice to you because they enjoy your company, but that's exceedingly rare for complete strangers unless you have charisma turned up to 11

>>81843955
he said he had like 1:1000 statistic of people not triggering him or something

>>81839854 (OP)
After a ton of set backs I finally finished building moms computer just now. Been at it for over a week.
>Have local cold + hot storage & cloud
>Create disc image backup
>Clone drive to second so I'm not transferring off of main in case of corruption
>Cloned freezes mid transfer = corrupts drive
>Disc image won't write to drive and errors out
>Local hot backup was not complete for some reason
>Go to clone main drive with second, crashes and lose both drives now
>Cloud data also does not have everything, but got a bit back
>Able to extract remainder from disk image

Gonna be trying to assemble a fan today. My mom's already got upsetti with me not unpacking it on day one.

Little bump to the anon because my head said so.

>>81839854 (OP)
It's been fine I guess, very boring and anhedonic days and being honest I would prefer to be actually sad but eh what can you do, i'm apathetical but not miserable which is good and yeah I'd say i've been drinking enough water

>>81839854 (OP)
Stayed up late again... ugh. I'm gonna feel terrible tomorrow.