im starting to not care anymore whenever i think of the people that might be sad when i die.

>>81908596 (OP)

You're nearing the final stages of depression. I can understand.

I've long since caring about that, because if anyone cared they would be around.

>>81908685
>stopped*
Autocorrect is a bitch

>>81908627
dumb question but what's even the end? an hero?

t. anon in a similar spot

Was in a similar situation. One of the few or maybe the only reason im still here is because my pets might be sad.

The apathy stays however...

genuinely cant imagine myself living for another year. this nye im gonna disappear forever.

>>81908627
and i thought it couldnt get any worse lol
>>81908942
i guess i kind of care if my cat gets sad. i know she gets sad whenever i leave the house.
>>81909406
same. not doing it 2 years ago was a mistake.

>>81908596 (OP)
i think i talked to you before, i didnt know you were suicidal :-(
i hope things get better before

>>81908596 (OP)
Funny, for my whole life I never thought about people being sad or not when I died. Seems kind of stupid to me to worry about it, if their is no after life you are just dead so you can't worry about it and if by chance there is an afterlife, you really won't be worrying what people think about your death in the same way you don't worry if anyone cared that you went to sleep last night.

>>81909406
Why imagine it? Just go full ego death and live in the moment. What's that Alan Waltt's quote? "There never is or was or will be anything except the present"

>>81909858
Your cat and we also care. Please don't let apathy get the better of you.

>>81909876
>i think i talked to you before
Yeah, OP is our beloved hu tao poster.
Goes to show that even nice people struggle with these things.
I sadly don't know how to help in any way except to pray for OP's well-being,

>>81908596 (OP)
it makes me sad that you feel that way
I wish i could hug u, OP

>>81909876
thanks. i hope i'll feel better by the next time we talk again.
>>81909927
i know that it doesnt make sense, but even if the world ends for us when we die, it doesnt for everyone else. so knowing that im leaving behind nothing but grief doesnt sit right with me i guess. dont think i care that much anymore though.
>>81910109
i dont matter that much. besides apathy is not too bad. beats feeling guilty i guess.
>>81910133
thanks. though its better if you dont get attached.

>>81908596 (OP)
Desu I don't think they care that much about me anyway. I'm probably a burden, well besides my wallet I guess.

>>81909406
I should have killed myself when I was a kid I cannot believe I put up with 24 years on this planet to only feel my life get gradually worse from birth

>>81910400
why do you feel like you cause nothing but grief

>>81910400
>thanks. though its better if you dont get attached.
too late for that. I'm sorry if I failed you as a friend. I wish there could be something more that i could do...

>>81910531
i cant seem to be able to do anything else. i always let down everyone. but i guess its my fault for being so selfish.
>>81910534
you didnt fail at anything, you're not supposed to fix others let alone save anyone. you should care more for yourself.

>>81910455
No time like the present, Nonnie. Stop crying on the internet and get it over with.

>>81910829
when you talked to me, that one time, you didnt cause me grief. in fact, i was happy you talked with me

>>81908596 (OP)
That's because you shouldn't have ever cared to begin with. It's not your responsibility to stay alive just to spare them the grief. If that were to be true then they should also let you die to spare your own grief, so it'd cancel itself out. But even then, that isn't the case, because staying alive is the happy default everyone pretends we can all keep doing until we can't anymore. If we could, if we ever accepted that for some, the world is a fundamentally unlivable place, the illusion would break. And we don't want that.

You don't owe anyone anything. You don't owe your life, your actions, or anything to justify your existence, yet you keep forcing upon yourself this unfulfillable role of having to keep everyone happy, because they themselves can't wipe their own ass. So you mourn for them, you see them fail and suffer and be stuck in miserable positions to the point where it corrodes your soul from the inside so much that all you have left is to cry to others with a mask hoping that someone can fix that. You stay alive for them not to suffer, to keep soaking up things they aren't even aware of.

You need to let go. You're starting to let go, but you treat it as a curse. As a permission to kill yourself. It is, but you've always had that freedom really. I can't promise that it will get better, but that's not the point. The point is knowing, accepting rather, that it was never your duty, your fault, or your burden to make sure anything gets better. You're allowed to exist now, and ever. Get a glass of warm milk and enjoy it. For you.

>>81910829
>you didnt fail at anything, you're not supposed to fix others let alone save anyone. you should care more for yourself.
but I did. If my friends are miserable and i can't do anything about it am I really a good friend? Friends r supposed 2 look out 4 each other... U were always there 4 me when I needed u.

>>81910892
im glad. i dont know. i feel tethered here against my will.
>>81910931
>You don't owe anyone anything
but i do. i owe my mom for keeping me alive. i owe my friends for trying their best to help me. i have so many debts and i dont even know where to start to repay them. instead all im doing is running away.
>You stay alive for them not to suffer
i feel like its the least i can do. i dont have the right to inflict such pain upon others especially if they've been nice to me. but now it starts to not matter anymore.
still, overall i think i agree with most of the things you said anon. thanks for sharing your view.
>Get a glass of warm milk
...i only have water
>>81911027
>but I did
no. you did not. stop blaming yourself. i dont understand why you're doing it in the first place.
>If my friends are miserable and i can't do anything about it am I really a good friend?
again, you are not a therapist. you are not god, you are not a psychiatrist, you are but a person. if your friend dies in a car crash, are you going to blame yourself for not being there to save him? its the same thing.

>>81911233
>i dont understand why you're doing it in the first place.
because I love u and seeing ur loved ones miserable feels like i failed them in some way
>again, you are not a therapist. you are not god, you are not a psychiatrist, you are but a person.
I think a good fren should fill the therapist role. A good fren is some1 u would feel comfy telling ur feelings or ur woes 2 and some1 u could expect 2 support u thru hard times
ppl go to therapists because they have no1 2 fill out that role
> if your friend dies in a car crash
i don't think it's a good comparison... A car crash is unexpected and not something u can prevent. However if i could, i would save u from 1.

>>81911233
>i owe my mom for keeping me alive. i owe my friends for trying their best to help me. i have so many debts and i dont even know where to start to repay them.
not everything is a debt. your own logic crumbles when used against her, isn't she the greedy one for birthing a person against their will just for them to be eternally guilty for just existing?

you're here already, you reply to others, you care for them. how is that slipping you? how do you not realize your own virtue, but treat givens like your family caring for you or your friends being friends like debts to pay? how come you criticize the world for being so shallow yet you consider any kind of love like a transaction?

do you not enjoy art? haven't you been posting hu tao for god knows how long already? a character that maybe some unpaid intern at the lowest floors of mihoyo sketched in a day because of what their daughter told them that morning? he didn't make it for you, he didn't really make it for anyone. and yet you're here, and you appreciate her so much that you have taken her as an identity on an imageboard the creator might have never even heard of. but that doesn't make the meaning you made of her any less real. it's not like you have to pay a fee to him or mhy every time you post her, or that you should stop posting her altogether. because you're allowed to take meaning out of things. that's what life is about.

>...i only have water
do you have tea at least?

>>81911602
>i failed them in some way
it's not your responsibility
>A good fren is some1 u would feel comfy telling ur feelings or ur woes 2 and some1 u could expect 2 support u thru hard times
then no friend that ever existed was a good friend. you overestimate what a friend is, and what a friend does. a friend is not a saviour that falls from heaven in your life. a friend is a human being. you cant expect them to save you, and you cant put those expectations on yourself. friends are there to make life more bearable, not to remove the things that make it hell.
>i don't think it's a good comparison
i think its a perfect comparison. lets say this car is driving off a cliff. you, as a friend can only yell at the car and the driver from afar to stop and turn around. you cant stop the car yourself, you cant get in the car with the driver.
the driver, is the only one that can steer the car away from the cliff. no one else. the fact that the car has damaged brakes, or cant steer, is outside your control.
>not something u can prevent
exactly what im saying.
>>81911651
>isn't she the greedy one for birthing a person against their will just for them to be eternally guilty for just existing?
sure, i've thought about it that way too, i tried to hate my mom for birthing me but why would i? what would despising my mom and family for making me into what i am achieve?
>how is that slipping you?
i fear i am only doing this out of need rather than because i want to
>yet you consider any kind of love like a transaction?
is it not that way? i've yet to be proven wrong. everything is a transaction. you dont get kindness if you dont give kindness and so on.
i want to be the exception to the rule and give without getting anything back, because i dont deserve it since i'll die anyway.
>because you're allowed to take meaning out of things. that's what life is about.
im sorry, but i fail to understand
>do you have tea at least?
my mom drinks liter of it everyday. so i've got that covered

>>81912462
>i tried to hate my mom for birthing me but why would i? what would despising my mom and family for making me into what i am achieve?
what would hating yourself do instead?

>is it not that way?
>im sorry, but i fail to understand
you took a character that wasn't yours and you molded it into something that meant something to you. no transaction, no debt. and yet somehow, no one suffered. if anything, you found comfort in her. what is this but the living proof that love and meaning doesn't need, or rather, isn't transactional? the transactional aspect is called gratitude, but it's not a debt, it's a deliberate choice. that's exactly what makes it special. a friend surprises me some day by gifting me something, and i am grateful. he did that expecting nothing but my happiness, and that was all he needed. the next day i gift him something back, not because im in debt, but because i want to. i want to honor the time and money he took to make me feel special and give it back to him. after all, i didn't ask for a gift, so what's the point in making everything into a bind? what if i mail you a diamond out of the blue, does that mean that you owe me a diamond now? what would life mean if everyone was just following scripts? if the government just appointed you to gift your friend something some day, and the next day for you to gift him something back?

>my mom drinks liter of it everyday
hm, what god did she slay to deserve that?

can i ask you something? what do you want? i'm aware of the general idea, but what do you want right now? what would you change even if just to make yourself feel just a little better?

>>81912462
>it's not your responsibility
y does it hurt so much then?
>then no friend that ever existed was a good friend. you overestimate what a friend is, and what a friend does. a friend is not a saviour that falls from heaven in your life. a friend is a human being. you cant expect them to save you, and you cant put those expectations on yourself.
but u did save me in a way. Don't know where i'd b without ur company. And i want 2 save u as well
>friends are there to make life more bearable, not to remove the things that make it hell.
then i did fail because life is not bearable 4 u
>i think its a perfect comparison.
y do u think ur life is comparable 2 a car that's speeding off a cliff?

>>81912662
what would hating yourself do instead?
i don't know. make me strive to be better. though I'm already past that I think. i don't want to hate other people. I'd rather redirect all the hate towards myself.
>does that mean that you owe me a diamond now
in my mind, yes. i don't know why. maybe its because of how I've been raised, but i dont believe anything in this world is free. either with money, or time, or something else like gratitude, you pay for things. to me, someone gifting something and expecting absolutely nothing in return doesn't make sense. I think my view of the world has been warped so much that i just see everything as transactions. this friend has been very nice to me lately? then I need to be just as nice or more otherwise im a shit person and i feel guilty. do you not feel compelled to repay someone's kindness with the same amount when it happens to you? isn't that the same thing as having a debt to repay?
>what god did she slay
the tea god, obviously.
>what do you want?
i want to be someone's most important person. everything else seems pointless without that.

>>81912827
>y does it hurt so much then?
you have attachment issues and so do I.
>but u did save me in a way. Don't know where i'd b without ur company.
i didnt save you, you can only save yourself. if you think i helped you with that then im glad, but even without me you would've been fine. give yourself more credit.
>then i did fail because life is not bearable 4 u
...then I'd have to hate all of my friends for failing me. should I?
>y do u think ur life is comparable 2 a car that's speeding off a cliff?
because it feels like i am reaching the end point of it fast and without being able to brake

>>81912843
>i don't know. make me strive to be better. though I'm already past that I think. i don't want to hate other people. I'd rather redirect all the hate towards myself.
there's an open faucet. you wonder how many buckets must you empty before the basin overflows, instead of wondering if the faucet should be open to begin with

>someone gifting something and expecting absolutely nothing in return doesn't make sense
are you replying to me out of pity/duty then? that would ring the entire conversation hollower than you not replying at all. if that's the case, however, i won't take it personally. if you truly are here just to entertain others because they dared ask you something, i'll stop bothering you altogether.

>isn't that the same thing as having a debt to repay?
well, for starters, no one wants to repay debts

>someone gifting something and expecting absolutely nothing in return doesn't make sense
fine, there's always subtext. you're expected to be grateful, to keep being their friend, to make use of the gift in whichever way it was meant to, to keep the status quo, etc. that's the hidden price. thing is, none of these make sense no? you're not sacrificing anything to compensate for them, so it doesn't feel like enough, even though it is. that's the fault, you keep expecting everything to cost something finite, or rather, something that cost you something. if someone gives me a kidney, i must give my kidney to someone else. and thus, no one ever gets to keep it.

>the tea god, obviously.
oh damn i quite liked the guy- i mean i quite indebted myself to his endless kindness of giving me a bit of his infinite tea supply whenever i asked.

>i want to be someone's most important person. everything else seems pointless without that.
sure, let's entertain this. you're my most important person, even if you don't believe it. now what?

>>81912912
>you have attachment issues and so do I.
so it seems...
>if you think i helped you with that then im glad, but even without me you would've been fine.
I don't think so
i never had a friend like u b4
>...then I'd have to hate all of my friends for failing me. should I?
I wouldn't want u 2 hate me, but i can't in good faith call myself a good fren if i can't help u in any way at all
>because it feels like i am reaching the end point of it fast and without being able to brake
y do u think ur reaching the end point?

>>81908596 (OP)
I stopped caring about that long ago. Which makes me feel like I deserve to die even more.

>>81908596 (OP)
But Hu Tao will be sad... you must care about her at least!

>>81908596 (OP)
Suicide is a revenge fantasy for me
But I fw you anon don't die

>>81913033
>instead of wondering if the faucet should be open to begin with
shouldn't i be grateful its open? if the faucet was closed then it would have no purpose, it would help no one, it wouldnt have a reason to be there.
>are you replying to me out of pity/duty then?
no, thats not true. but i fear i reply to people expecting something back rather than because i genuinely just want to help, and thats selfish of me.
>no one wants to repay debts
I do.
>you're not sacrificing anything to compensate for them, so it doesn't feel like enough, even though it is
sorry but, how is it enough? how is one not supposed to feel in debt with someone that gave them so much? is my happiness really that valuable? im not sure.
>and thus, no one ever gets to keep it.
but that way, everyone gets it for a while. everyone experiences what its like to have 2 kidneys and be happy. isnt that better than just hoarding everything for myself?
>his endless kindness of giving me a bit of his infinite tea
oh its okay, you can just steal it from his cold dead hands. how do you think my mom gets to afford having so much tea around the house?
>you're my most important person, even if you don't believe it
you shouldn't say things like these so lightly anon.
>>81913158
>I don't think so
you've got people like me everywhere anon, you just need to look harder.
>i can't in good faith call myself a good fren if i can't help u in any way at all
then what are you going to do about it?
>y do u think ur reaching the end point?
have you read the op anon?
>>81914290
>Which makes me feel like I deserve to die even more.
same
>>81915094
she's going to have a new client so i think she'd be just fine.
>>81915107
thanks. also anon, revenge only creates more revenge so, try not to be vindictive much, or someone might just do the same thing you did

>>81908596 (OP)
I think I'm pretty self centred in a "good" way if that makes sense, so the only thing that keeps me going are dopamine sinks
>The apathy stays however...
Can never escape it...

>>81915565
>you've got people like me everywhere anon, you just need to look harder.
i don't think any1 can replace u
>then what are you going to do about it?
I wish I could do more but I know realistically there's not much i can do being so far away.
I would want 2 hug u and tell u that everything is gonna be alright, but that probably wouldn't do much, would it? I'm awful at conversation.
>have you read the op anon?
I have
i just thought there might b moar 2 it...

>>81915565
good morning, hope you slept well. mind some tea? i know some dumb god that just left an infinite amount down the road

>shouldn't i be grateful its open? if the faucet was closed then it would have no purpose, it would help no one, it wouldnt have a reason to be there.
you're confusing a faucet with a stream. faucets are made to limit flow, if it's always open, it serves no purpose either

>i fear i reply to people expecting something back rather than because i genuinely just want to help, and thats selfish of me.
so, if someone gives you something, you have to pay it back, and they're not selfish.
if you give something, and someone pays you back, you might have always intended to get paid back, so you're selfish. interesting.

>is my happiness really that valuable? im not sure.
value is completely subjective. give a starving man a home you worked 8 years to pay for and he'll starve regardless. give him a banana you weren't gonna eat anyways and you'd have saved his life. when the point is to earn your happiness there's nothing that could possibly be more valuable than that. especially *your* happiness.

>isnt that better than just hoarding everything for myself?
why do you still have 2 kidneys then?

>you shouldn't say things like these so lightly anon.
that's why i didn't. i explicitly told you that you are, even if you didn't believe it. and yet you still didn't believe it. say, how do you expect someone to love you if you refuse being loved, or acknowledging being loved? do you feel greedy for wanting to be loved but thinking you're undeserving of it?

i just want to get to the bottom of your desires. if you had someone beside you, what would that change in your life? what would you want to do next?

>>81915565
>try not to be vindictive much, or someone might just do the same thing you did
It's okay. I can't die yet. I just hope things are fine between me and her

>>81915600
>so the only thing that keeps me going are dopamine sinks
like what? those dont work for me anymore
>>81915629
>i don't think any1 can replace u
things and people only have as much value as you put in them. put the same value you put in me into someone else and there you go.
>but that probably wouldn't do much, would it
it wouldnt, so put your mind at ease and stop trying so hard. its pointless to hate yourself for it
>>81915769
i hope they are anon. do your best
>>81915749
>hope you slept well
...eh. ill take juice over tea though.
>it serves no purpose either
then why the hell is it there in the first place. keeping it closed is pointless, keeping it open is a waste. its broken and it can only be in either of those states.
>so you're selfish
...yes. i dont want to think other people are selfish too because then it would make me hate everyone. and i dont want it to be that way. so i blame everything on myself.
>value is completely subjective
i agree... my happiness to me seems so worthless compared to the one of everyone else's. i guess i need to start entertaining the thought that other people value mine too.
>why do you still have 2 kidneys then?
because im lazy and selfish.
>say, how do you expect someone to love you if you refuse being loved, or acknowledging being loved?
i dont know... sorry. i'm so disillusioned i cant even imagine someone caring for me that much. i refuse to believe it because if i did and then it wasnt true, it would hurt so so much. im scared and i push it away. i dont think im undeserving of it (most of the time), but to more it seems more like a fantasy rather than something that can be a reality.
>if you had someone beside you, what would that change in your life?
i'd have a reason to do things, to be alive and not give up. as of now i just grasp to whatever i can come up with and each time it feels more like im slipping.
>what would you want to do next?
...be happy?

>>81916165
>ill take juice over tea though
it's on the house today, enjoy.

>then why the hell is it there in the first place
it's a remnant of when it did work. of someone who did use it, now long gone. it might still be fixable though.

>i dont want to think other people are selfish too because then it would make me hate everyone
>because im lazy and selfish
if everyone is lazy and selfish, no one is. that's just nature and self preservation. you're fighting against a baseline no one gets asked to overcome, sparing others for never becoming and yet punishing yourself for surpassing them. for what? aren't you manufacturing your own suffering anyways? who asked you for your kidneys? who called you selfish?

>i refuse to believe it because if i did and then it wasnt true, it would hurt so so much.
i know. i can basically feel your fear through the screen. and it's fine. you don't need to change this in a day, or in a week, or in whatever deadline anyone could put on you. i'm just glad you had the confidence to tell me that. thank you, really.

>i'd have a reason to do things, to be alive and not give up
what is it exactly though? what's keeping you alive right now? what do you, yourself, want to do?

>...be happy?
if only it'd were that easy...

Have you ever considered that you might have BPD? It might be worth doing a self-assessment or something or looking up coping strategies for it.

>>81916352
>it might still be fixable though.
i can only hope so.
>that's just nature and self preservation
i dont like our nature. i dont like how we're programmed to feel, live, care. i dont want to be that way. i want to be different. i want to show everyone else that you dont have to be a slave to your own nature or your own circumstances. so i guess, in a way i want to be better than everyone else.
>aren't you manufacturing your own suffering anyways?
yes. what else am i to do? i won't achieve anything by just sitting in my own bubble deluding myself that its fine to be this way.
>who asked you for your kidneys? who called you selfish?
no one. just me.
>you don't need to change this in a day, or in a week, or in whatever deadline anyone could put on you
but i do anon, im running out of time and if things keep being the way the are im going to die without even knowing how being loved feels like. maybe not because no one loves me, but because im just unable to feel it
>if only it'd were that easy...
then, if thats too much, all i ask for is to stop wanting to die so much. i want to wake up in the morning and not think "i wish i was dead" but something else. or nothing at all
>>81916548
i did, but i think what i have is just a mixture of severe depression and adhd. perhaps i have some personality issues too but i honestly dont even care. giving labels to my mental issues wont change anything, and im not going to start taking drugs any time soon anyway.

>>81916572
forgot to answer in the previous reply
>>81916352
>what's keeping you alive right now?
momentum, fear, guilt, hope, all together.
>what do you, yourself, want to do?
i want to live a life without suicide thoughts. i want to do things with my friends and not feel alone, i want to go out on dates with the person i love, i want to see a lot of different places, i want to make food for people and make them happy, i want to have a future that isn't just pain and suffering, but everything gets overshadowed by my craving for death and i cant see anything else.

>>81916165
>things and people only have as much value as you put in them. put the same value you put in me into someone else and there you go.
u can't choose who u love
at least i don't think u do
>it wouldnt, so put your mind at ease and stop trying so hard. its pointless to hate yourself for it
every smol essence in my body is telling me not 2 give up on u. A silly as it might sound. I'm afraid u'll b stuck with me until the end. Unless u don't want me 2 b around.

>>81908627
Damn, that image perfectly describes how I've been feeling and acting for the past few months, is it over for me?