Thread 82209169

>20
>no friends since 14 when I left public school for homeschool
>father commited suicide when I was 15
>got blackpilled on everything there was to be blackpilled on in teenage years
>past the point of worrying about problems, all of them are set
>always had some amount of social anxiety as a kid
>no longer terribly anxious but socially annihilated and probably autistic
>probably severely brain damaged

No job, no reasonably possible good future before me. Not sure what to do. I literally live just to not die, I like to not kill myself, but I'm crippling. I feel like I must be starving severely of basic needs of a human. I feel a base need to socialize, but then at the same time, I feel stressed by the thought of doing it, and I always feel stress before going into it. I feel like I'm dying, and I feel like I will have dementia at the age of 30. I don't even feel something so radical within me to have a desire to kill myself.

>>82209169 (OP)
im like you but unstable emotionally which made me able to try socializing sometimes due to confidence spikes
>socially annihilated and probably autistic
>probably severely brain damaged
and ive realised it doesnt really work like that, like even after years of no interactions we can do it if we dont feel fear, its intrinsic. its just that we are scared as fuck normally. so please anon get drunk or do shrooms or even just get anxiolitic meds to get ur confidence up and try socializing

I could give you advice but you won't implement it. You already know that, though.

>>82209278
Thanks. It is a bit of a temporary episode, but then again every day has been the same for the most part for over 4 years. It feels like it's taken a toll on my mind. I don't know where I'd go, were I to get out of my house. I sometimes do. I've gone to social gatherings a couple of times but I am mostly just a guy that sits in my own secluded spot. I've been raised in a way that makes it daunting and difficult and also in a way which has ingrained in me, at least temporarily, this overarching fear of deviating, almost like a repression, I don't really know. I can sort of "take the lead" but it doesn't feel right, I feel numb when I do it or hurting on some level, and I don't feel sincere.
Maybe I could just wing it and go into a bar at some point, i don't know, no idea. I just feel like a recipe for failure.

I like that meme by the way.

>>82209297
Give it to me. I know a lot of people are defeatist and not really looking for advice, but I'm not one, I'll hear it. I've even made little efforts to escape my comfort zone, albeit, the chances don't come often. I'm just speaking from my position.

>>82209169 (OP)
Same bro, but I'm 18. My only friend killed himself when I was 15, I became too depressed to go to school so I was forced to do homeschool by my parents. I don't get any friends now, blackpilled heavily, and I feel soulless. I want an escape, I want salvation, but I won't ever try it, I see no point. I have faith in God, but I have no faith in myself.

>>82209169 (OP)
Shit sucks. What country are you in?

>>82209378
I'm with you on that. The one thing that's actually helped me in my years was seeking God, and making the effort to repent, which was a process, and that was the only thing in the last 5 or so years which REALLY made any dignificant change for me, and it lifted me up out of a darkness I was stuck in. I have not given up on God, I have no plans to, but I'm just such a screw up.

>>82209445
The U.S., why do you ask?

>>82209457
It changes things. What region? East coast new england area? South? Midwest? Pacific northwest? Southwest? I don't have the answers but it isn't entirely your fault.

>>82209474
I live in Pennsylvania, which I've been told before is kinda bad.

Why dod your dad commit suicide

>>82209169 (OP)
i was in a very similar situation. still am really. if you want the straight answer i think you should kill yourself, i also think i should kill myself. homeschooling permanently ruins your life. you will never get better at socializing, you will never learn the basic life skills youre missing. that said, i havent killed myself and i think you must accept two truths
1. you will never be normal, socializing will never be easy. it will always make you kind of want to kill yourself
2. not socializing at all will make you actually try to kill yourself

if you want to live you have to find a balance where you are only slightly miserable.

>>82209490
you ever make it over to ohio? I know a guy over there with like your exact same story

>>82209502
I hear he had a bad childhood from my mom, that he apparently talked about this before. He also became an alchoholic, it got worse as the years went on, and he went to jail for a small time because of this. At the time I was fairly young and I think my mom told me he was out doing a job or something. Eventually he got pulled over again. I remember from time to time when he would get angry (he was emotionally abusive and would yell often, and was quite aggressive) he would say he was going to kill himself. I never really took that seriously. He had a court case coming up, and on the day that it was supposed to happen I woke up to my mom and dad fighting over soemthing. He started drinking the moment he woke up that day. He went outside at one point.

Eventually my mom and I went outside to look for him because we didn't know where he was. We sat in our driveway and talked for a bit, and my mom thought that we should go inside and see if our shotgun was in the house (that was another detail I forgot, he said he was going to kill himself to her), I thought it was a bluff because he's done that before, but we went in, and it wasn't where it was supposed to be. We went back outside, waited for a bit, while talking, and eventually I hear a nearby gunshot, I ran behind the treeline and saw his slumped over corpse and I started yelling, I couldn't beleive it and I was yelling that he was a faggot over and over, I was completely shaken. It didn't really hit me until the night came and everything felt like this profoundly brutal nostalgia. I didn't cry, but I felt the sorrow and stepped outside for a bit and just stared at the sky for a while. It was terrible, and it added to my depression at the time, but I felt at the time thatI managed to get over it quite quick. I'm relatively headstrong.

>>82209521
I haven't. I don't get very far away from home. I don't have a drivers license yet so that's something that I have to get off the table if-

>>82209561
>character limit
-I'm to expand my horizons.

>>82209514
I'm morally against killing myself, and I certainly have no plans to, even if a thought of it enters my mind in some way, here and there. I also haven't exhausted trying. Part of the reason I don't feel a need to full blown commit suicide is that fact I know not all options have been exhausted. There are still things to try. Afterall, most of my time has been in my own house, so it's really impossible for things to just fall into place. I will need to get a job eventually, even though I have no idea what it will be.

>>82209561
I explained that story a bit messy, but the point of bringing up him going to jail is that he didn't want to go to jail again, and him killing himself was to some degree, to avoid it. He left a suicide note that said that.

>>82209561
I'm so sorry dude. That's a horrible thing to experience.

>>82209169 (OP)
Wowie, we've lived similar lives thus far. I also left high school at 14 and am 20, I just never finished and now am stuck working in a grocery store. c: Working has helped me develop my social skills a lot, but overall I've really messed everything up for myself. Maybe everything will work out somehow? T_T Sorry for silly rant. I hope this doesn't sound rude, but is there anything specific you would like out of life? I know you might not be sure at this point. I thought I knew what I wanted but now I am questioning everything.

>>82209728
>I hope this doesn't sound rude
You're good Anon no worries.
>but is there anything specific you would like out of life? I know you might not be sure at this point.
Really nothing, I don't know yet. I've gone through periods growing up of some kind of optimism for the future, that whatever happenned, it would somehow turn out great, but I never had anything specific in mind, beyond a hope that I'd do something great. These days, I REALLY don't know. I don't know if I even "want" out of life, if that makes sense. It's entered my mind more than a few times, the thought of becoming a monk or something. I've thought a few times that I'd want to do something creative, but I don't have something specific in mind for that either. I've thought before that a wife or a girlfriend might be spiritually healing, but I don't know. That's one of my problems. I really lack the optimism I once had and I don't have an idea what I want to do or could do, but I won't give up.
>I just never finished and now am stuck working in a grocery store. c: Working has helped me develop my social skills a lot
Maybe will do something similar. I've actually grown at least a bit more comfortable with it when I'm in the midst of it but there are still times of autism, like for example, I recently went to a restaraunt with my sister, mother, and grandfather, and when the waitress came I went full retard and couldn't even look the girl in the eyes, my voice also shook a little. My cope has been to have a mindset that I'm in a shared collective tragedy with those I interact with and that mindset makes a lot of things just seem petty in the face of it, so I can get on relatively alright with some people, particularly men. I mainly get awkward when it's a yonger woman near my age. I really don't know why.

>>82209681
Thanks. It still probably has left a significant impact on me, but we continue on. I hope nobody else has to go through such a thing, but I know this place is tragic. There was a bit of a bright side to it, and that's that I was freed from the emotionally abusive atmosphere. I remember having a dream, a couple of weeks after the fact, that he came back, and he was yelling and swearing again and immediately I felt all of the stress fall back on me, it felt tangible, it was like a "here we go again" kind of thing, and it made me realize just how much things had changed. I pray for my fathers soul though. I hope wherever he is, he's fine and at peace. I don't hate him for what he did as much as it hurt me.

>>82209807
Somehow I missed what you wrote about your dad; you've been through a lot, anon. :( I think I know what you mean here. I always felt like life would just work out for me somehow. In some sense I still think that way, but it isn't really working out, haha.
I'm glad to hear you're feeling more comfortable. :) I definitely still have a lot of awkward moments, but I've realized that because they happen so often I can't worry about every single one.. When I'm working I just try my best to do a good job and then I go home. I've also been overhearing some coworkers conversations recently, and a lot of them have interactions that are very similar to ones I've had where I felt like I acted really weird. Does that make any sense?
>My cope has been to have a mindset that I'm in a shared collective tragedy with those I interact with and that mindset makes a lot of things just seem petty in the face of it
This is super interesting, but I'm a bit too out of it today to fully understand what you mean.. I'm sorry ;_; I'm also really sorry for not even acknowledging what you wrote about your dad. I should have read everything more carefully, I am just so sleepy.

>>82209807
Also, I can totally relate to your first paragraph here. In fact, I am starting to feel like less and less of a person somehow.. It's like I am using my brain less, if you know what I mean. I don't really talk to anyone about anything personal anymore, and I haven't been able to have one of those conversations where you "connect" to the person you're talking to. Or maybe I just feel that way? ;_; I don't know if I want what I think I want out of life at this point, and I'm not sure why I'm still obsessing over it. Eugh. ;_;

>>82210163
I know what you mean. I find though, after making this thread that it has been a bit cathartic. It's helped me to reflect, and I find that when I self reflect, pray, and meditate on Christ I have peace. I wouldn't despair.

>>82210199
Well, I can't claim to know exactly what you mean. I'm not you, but relate to it.
You say, also
>less and less of a person somehow
as well as sounding to have frustration, and I can tell you that I experienced something similar, and it felt almost Hellish, a few years ago. I can't know for sure, but it sounds like you have some kind of missalignment. Maybe you undergo a lot of vain motion and need to better know yourself, but I DON'T KNOW, it's only a suggestion, for your consideration.

>>82209169 (OP)
i'm in a similar boat, turning 20 in december
i want friends so bad much less a romantic partner but it's so hard

>>82210379
what is dating to you even. what does it even mean. you talk to people irl, in irl locations. what is your dating grounds look like

>>82210794
for me, this is mid 2006ish. im painfully introverted, i wouldnt ask you to to keep the elevator door open for me. but then some girl, some random just hung out with me in the courtyard after school hours and she came next to me, straddled me and asked me out, and when i said yes she kissed me? i had no fucking idea what was going on, i was still expecting her friends and school buddies to pop up around the corner and laugh at me. but she didnt, they didnt appear, and we kissed.

it ended really, really badly, but it was good for a while

im not gay. or i am gay, but not in a perceptibly or actionable way that means im going to break the "keep it to yourself" rule . secretly, females show up in the porn i survey. very rarely. an unusual large amount of the content i look at has roughly all males and little to zero levels in the "girl" category.[

but also vaginas. maybe actually its entirely the problem, maybe ive gaslit myself into thinking the gash is the issue and not the one who showed me the gash in the first fucking place. i dont get it. its not taste or texture, i...i know how that is.

drop your discord here
You are all autistic btw

Welcome to the damned human race, robot. I just finished my beer now I'm going to have to smoke some weed because there's no more beer.
https://youtu.be/DuE-fSKDnXU?si=FzGg996xB6cHxwSs

>>82209169 (OP)
>homeschooled
I was homeschooled too, my entire education pretty much. It was nice waking up at 9 every morning, but it definitely fucked me socially in the long run. I wish I could go back and see what public school would have been like. Probably worse, but who knows.