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7/15/2025, 8:39:31 PM
>>531346290
Takumi agreed to do as he was told, right? The idea Hiruko crushes his vocal cords on purpose so the others won't consider sparing him is kinda dark.
Takumi agreed to do as he was told, right? The idea Hiruko crushes his vocal cords on purpose so the others won't consider sparing him is kinda dark.
7/8/2025, 1:20:16 PM
>>530410330
Well, if you still can't fall asleep, you know where to find me
Well, if you still can't fall asleep, you know where to find me
7/6/2025, 2:01:59 AM
>>714629017
>The Orc city
>The Orc Wars
>the elvish king
These are placeholder type names. They revoke any potential attempts at getting the reader invested almost instantly and come across as comical because nobody says "The Human City" or "The Human War".
>The ground soaked in a knuckle's depth of blood and ash.
This really isn't that much of an issue, but consider that this is the second line of the work. The SECOND LINE of your work.
>as its ruin was overseen by the architect of its very destruction.
"The Department of Redundancy Department" is something to always keep in mind when writing. Redundant language like that just makes your work sound retarded, though if I had to put it another way it sounds "chewy". It's a very odd way to describe it, but when I read lines like that, I hang onto them and swirl them around in my head for a time.
It really feels like a work written by someone who envisions their ideal reader as being the type of person to skim over text that isn't dialogue, where description and prose is ancillary to everything else.
Really the big issue is that this tells you nothing about the work itself. It's a generic fantasy setting with orcs and elves I suppose, and there is (or was) a war, but why should I care that much? You don't need your leads here, or any characters at all, but nothing that is written here gets across anything other than
>fantasy races
>fantasy war
>fantasy racism
All of which are the most generic and played out ideas in the fantasy genre.
>The Orc city
>The Orc Wars
>the elvish king
These are placeholder type names. They revoke any potential attempts at getting the reader invested almost instantly and come across as comical because nobody says "The Human City" or "The Human War".
>The ground soaked in a knuckle's depth of blood and ash.
This really isn't that much of an issue, but consider that this is the second line of the work. The SECOND LINE of your work.
>as its ruin was overseen by the architect of its very destruction.
"The Department of Redundancy Department" is something to always keep in mind when writing. Redundant language like that just makes your work sound retarded, though if I had to put it another way it sounds "chewy". It's a very odd way to describe it, but when I read lines like that, I hang onto them and swirl them around in my head for a time.
It really feels like a work written by someone who envisions their ideal reader as being the type of person to skim over text that isn't dialogue, where description and prose is ancillary to everything else.
Really the big issue is that this tells you nothing about the work itself. It's a generic fantasy setting with orcs and elves I suppose, and there is (or was) a war, but why should I care that much? You don't need your leads here, or any characters at all, but nothing that is written here gets across anything other than
>fantasy races
>fantasy war
>fantasy racism
All of which are the most generic and played out ideas in the fantasy genre.
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