>>212948504
>”Yes, yes, well done Trump, well done...HOWEVER, extra votes must be taken into account.”
>Dumbledore stretches his legs as he stands on top of the table.
>”ONE VOTE FOR KAMALA FOR EVERY JEW KILLED IN THE HOLOCAUST!” he says calmly
>The Kamala house begins to cheer ecstatically.
>Dumbledore gets down from the table and sits back down.
>”And, if my calculations are correct, I believe a final call of the Presidential election is in order.”
>He claps his hands twice. Suddenly, ropes emerge from the ceiling above the Kamala house. The Stein and Oliver houses look on in confusion as the ropes tighten around the necks of the Kamala house’s army of soibois, trannies and non-whites, lifting them up into the air. Kamala Harris looks on in horror as his house is wasted in front of him.
>”WE PROUDLY DECLARE DONALD TRUMP PRESIDENT-ELECT OF THE UNITED STATES!” Dumbledore screams calmly. “IN FACT, 538 ELECTORAL VOTES TO TRUMP! THE STATES SHALL RUN RED LIKE THE BLOOD OF THE DEMOCRATS!”
>Trump house begins celebrating as the last twitches from the hanged KamalaSisters occur. Soon, Stein and Oliver, along with their students, begin to clap as well.
>Joe Biden, forgetting where he is or what just happened, joins in the raucous applause too

>Harry Potter did you slip Veritaserum into the Israeli President's drink at the UN Holocaust Memorial Summit?
>The Ministry is trying to work out how to do a worldwide memory charm and Gringotts is further up my ass than Grindelwald's elder wand

>first year at Hogwarts
>witness that mudblood Hermione slapping my fellow Slytherin house member Draco
>assemble my friends and tell them my plan of revenge
somehourslater.scroll
>we stretch our legs in pursuit of Hermione
>Hermione gets among her fellow house members outside
>we're hiding in the distance behind some bushes so they can't see us
itstimetostrike.mp3
>drop out pants and with loud grunts we give birth to massive poops
>we've been saving our poops for days
>we complements eachother's poops before I aim my wand on mine
>'TELEPORTUS'
>we watch with glee as Hermione's face changes
>she drops her pants as fast as lightning and crouches
>her friends doesn't bat an eye as it's still practiced to defecate & evaporate
>she's certainly pushing hard to get it out
>just as Hermione let it go we teleport in another poop
>we hear Hermione grunting loudly
>her friends starts paying attention to her
>she's clearly struggling as she's not used to pass poops of this magnitude and frequency
>'TELEPORTUS!'
>Hermione drops on all four with sweat forming on her forehead
>we teleport the poops with such rapidness giving her no time to gather her thoughts
>her friends' faces are mixed with confusion and disgust
>we laugh as our revenge is done
>Snape catches us
ohshit.portrait
1/2

>>21466714
You take that back, bitch tits. Right NAAAAAOWWW!

>>212686599
Good. We can get back to dumbledore postin when all the capeshitters leave

>The applause faded as Dumbledore raised his hand to speak
>"Thank you,students, for that most heartwarming welcome back to Hogwarts. I daresay Professor McGonagall more than rose to the occassion in my absence".
>"As you all know I spent the last few months attending a leadership workshop at Uagando, the African academy of pagan voodoo magic. There I learned a great deal about all sorts of exotic sorcery, such as the ability to transfigure oneself into a goat to escape punishment for crimes."
>"However, what I found most fascinating was their tradition of sorting students not by arbitrary houses, but by nation of origin. Which is why I'm pleased to announce that Hogwarts will now be doing the same, as I'm sure you've already noticed."
>He gestured to the flags of England, Wales, Scotland and Ireland hung above the four tables.
>"But there will be time to discuss this later. For now, let us begin tonight's feast!"
>With a wave of his hand, Dumbledore summoned the food to the tables. Plates of scrumptuous pies and vegetables glazed just right, savory cuts of turkey swimming in gravy, delectable treacle tarts and trays of warm fudge, and tankards of butterbeer all appeared before the eyes of the students...
>Except for the Irish.
>At the Irish table appeared only potatoes. Heaps and heaps of brown, raw potatoes.
>Dumbledore smiled at the dumbstruck Irish students. "What's the matter, children? Something wrong with your dinner?"
>Nervously, Seamus Finnegan picked up a fork and prepared to poke one of the potatoes.
>"WEAPON!" Dumbledore cried, "THAT MICK HAS A WEAPON! WATCH OUT!" He brandished his wand at Seamus, whose hand exploded in a spray of red mist.
>"IS THIS HOW YOU LEPRECHAUNS REPAY MY HOSPITALITY? MISTER FILCH, ESCORT IRELAND TO THE GAS CHAMBER OF SECRETS AT ONCE! ENGLISH STUDENTS, YOU MAY TAKE THEIR COMMON ROOM!"

>As he stretched his legs through the Great Hall, Harry caught sight of Ginny holding hands with Dean Thomas. He felt a pang of jealousy and again wondered who he should take to the Yule Ball.
>"I don't approve of it either, Harry," Dumbledore said, having stretched his legs silently up to Harry's side and taking him by surprise, "Never have, never will."
>"Professor?" said Harry, confused as to what the half-moon bespectacled old wizard was referring to.
>"Miscegenation." He gave Harry a long and serious look before stretching his legs towards the door. After a few long strides he turned back and said "Just because I'm gay, doesn't mean that I don't care for the future of the white race. Heil Hitler."
>"Heil Hitler." Harry responded before he had a chance to think about what he was saying.
>A sudden outburst of sobbing made Harry twist around in time to see Ching Chong stretching her legs towards the bathroom.
>Harry sighed and stretched his legs after her, rehearsing in his mind how he would explain to her that he considered her to be an honorary Aryan.

>“Dayum Liley! Yo white ass finna be packin’ cake, naw I’m sayin? I’d hit that shit from behind fo sho!” Severus Snape exclaimed while Lily Evans giggled as they sat at breakfast in the Great Hall. James watched and listened to Snape’s ebonic wooing with a seething rage, the monster in his chest growled and muttered crime and domestic abuse statistics categorized by race. At the head table, Dumbledore quietly surveyed the scene. He rose and with a flourish of his wand conjured a rope which wrapped itself about Snape’s neck. “Winguardium Leviosa!” He cried and with a swish and flick the rope jolted Snape into the air. Snape only had time to utter a confused “Ayo” before he was hoisted from the Slytherin table. He stretched his legs frantically as he fought for air, wheezing out “I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe.”. The whole hall erupted into cheers as students pelted Snape’s body with stones as it swung in the gentle Hogwarts breeze.

>“Welcome to another year at Hogwarts!”, boomed Dumbledore calmly. It was the first evening of the school year and the students were seated in the hall. The wizened old headmaster paced back and forth in front of the main table, gathering his thoughts.
>“I know you are all anxious to begin the feast, but there are a few ground rules that we need to go over before the start of this academic year. Given the events of the last term, a number of new restrictions have been put in place."
>“Firstly, there will be no more WhizBangs inserted into other students’ rectums! Yes, even if it is consensual, Fred Weasley! I simply cannot condone more than three or four reconstructive anal surgeries to take place per school year.”
>"The constant littering in the restrooms will stop immediately. Our caretaker, Mr. Filch, spent this past summer trying to recuperate from a particularly embarrassing case of gonorrhea having to clean up after you lot. If I hear of one more used Bertie Bott’s Every-Flavor Condoms found on the school grounds I will personally revoke all of Slytherin’s points!”
>Dumbledore paused, then began to stretch his mouth again, “On a similar note, graffiti is strictly forbidden. Last semester, Hogwarts was defaced by a spree of senseless vandalism. We found the initials ‘DEH’ carved no less than one hundred forty-seven times into the castle walls, desks, and even Mr. Filch’s cat.”
>“Lastly, in order to enforce these new rules, I have hired a platoon of private contractors to patrol the grounds. Yes, many of them are dementors or ex-Azkaban prisoners, but until some of your parents cough up your tuition fees, I’m afraid Hogwarts will have to settle for the lowest bidder. In light of the fact that some of the ex-cons have not been sufficiently reformed, I have generously given each student a rape whistle and signed them up for a self-defence class at Bunn’s Gun and Run (formerly Snape’s) in Hogsmeade.”

SOILENCE!

>Dumbledore is peacefully working in his office
>Suddenly the door opens
>In walks Snape wearing the proud black and red robes of Gryffindor, a symbol of a racially equal wizard society
>Dumbledore shrieks in terror and goes for his wand, points it at the intruder and screams RIDDIKULUS
>Dumbledore breathes a sigh of relief as the boggart retreats back into the castle