I was a normal kid burned out and giving up in middle school but I was still a cis male
No trauma
Nothing
Then at 21 after abandoning all my old friend groups over the years I decided to start feminizing myself cayse of my yuri and feminizatio fetishes
Now I’m 30 and a manmoder tranny living in a shithole huffing estrogen and doomscrolling till my next shift.
I exist for nothing
I met countless other trannies all you get all filled with life after transitioning all doing their best and having fun together and experiencing life even when it hurts at least they stay true against the world
And all I have is envy for that for I am not real
I am not human
Just a wound on this blighted world. I could never be real like them
I could never be there for them
I could never be myself.

i traveled a long distance to meet up with an online friend of mine a week ago. i stayed at her place for the week and we did lots of stuff. i am now on my way back to my home. i cant put it into words how sad i am. crying on thw bus right now. i havent had an irl friend in over 5 years. i got a glimpse of what its like and now it is ripped away from me in an instant and i will go back to my usual life of staying in my room, doing nothing and being depressed. i wish i could have stayed longer. we hiked together, watched some movies, went to a zoo, held hands and now thats only a happy memory. this was amazing but it will make that sense of loneliness that i got used to in the past few years a lot more apparent and less bareable. all i can do to ease the pain is eat, hurt myself, lay in bed doing nothing or get drunk alone in my room. we will still talk every day, its not like im losing her completely, but this was still a thousand times better than just talking online. i will miss her. i will miss my friend. i won't die happy but im glad i could experience this before i die. i dont have a concrete plan on killing myself but i just know everything will feel even more dull and pointless when i get back fo my usual life and i dont know how much of that i can take. im sad. i will miss my friend. i miss my friend.

There's not a single physical trait I like about myself. I'm so cooked

i wish i knew why i dont like myself. i make myself think negatively and basically deny myself happiness. i dont want to be unhappy but i cant let myself be happy and i dont know why. im not mad at myself, i dont think. i dont know what i did that i cant forgive myself for. there are things that make me unhappy, sure, but i obviously have other ''things'' too. there are people who are in similiar situations to mine. people who got unlucky and ended up being born like me. they dont have to be unhappy and many of them are actually happy or atleast content despite their struggles and i just won't allow myself that. it almost feels like when you see that someone is upset with you but they just won't tell you why and you're just left there wondering what it is that you did to deserve them being mad at you.

and if i didnt do anything then why won't i help myself?